All Wednesday One-Liners

Wednesday One-liners are Criminal

Homeboy: I don’t discriminate. If anyone messes with my family, or my kids, I’m taking their life.

–Bx21 bus

Overheard by: Fiona

Chick on cell: I don’t know…I think I’m in Queens. The train’s above ground…I lost my keys and I have to be at work in 45 minutes. I’ll guess I’ll go in the same clothes…I don’t know what he does. I think something at night, though. I took his money.

–7 train

Girl on cell: That’s very nice to diagnose yourself like that but, really, fuck you…I still think you’re, like, a sociopath or something.

–6th Ave. between 50th & 51st

Develop a Relationship with Wednesday One-liners

Woman: I’m so sick of boyfriends. I want to be single forever. Fingers and vibrators are it!

–43rd St. & 10th Ave.

Overheard by: Jenn X

Girl on cell: I’m telling you, the MTA is like a bad boyfriend. You’re all dressed up and ready to go and the fucking train doesn’t even show up! And the worst part is the next time you totally show up again, ready to go and just have to hope to God that the stupid train shows up. What the hell is that?

–45th & 8th

Black girl: It felt like I was losing my virginity all over again. That was some King Kong kind of shit.

–E train

Overheard by: Philip

Wednesday One-liners Mean Business

Asian yuppie: I think Victoria’s Secret is turning into the new McDonald’s.

–18th & 6th

Guy: Oh man, Gristedes can suck me off!

–Whole Foods, Union Square

Chick on cell: She just got this amazing job where she can live anywhere she wants in the Midwest!

–Prince & Broadway

Lady: You don’t have plastic bags? This is New York!

–Chipotle, E. 8th Street

Dreaming of Wednesday One-liners

Contractor on cell: Uncle Monty left his nightmares at home last night.

–Park Slope

Girl on cell: …since we lived underwater we were seapeople, and we were a lot like seahorses, and you were pregnant because, you know, male seahorses carry the baby. And then we had to go on land for you to have the baby…

–Hunter College cafeteria

Woman on cell: I’m telling you, this guy is the man of my dreams. The only thing that could go wrong at this point is if he turns out to be, like, 4’11” or something.

–Prospect Heights

(cf. this entry.)

Wednesday One-liners for Dad’s Wife

Guy on cell: You’ve got the best job: being a mom.

–42nd between 6th & Madison

Woman: …maybe because I got my period in the 4th grade and looked like everybody’s mother by the 6th grade. I was huge.

–27th street office

Mom: Now, this is not the Louvre, so don’t be jaded or anything.

–Brooklyn Museum

Overheard by: Cat Pop

Drunk: If a woman hadda right to choose where I come from, I wouldn’t be here today!

–Odessa Cafe, Avenue A

Overheard by: Ted Lattis

Chick: I saw my mother on stage in underwear and a bra with motorized tassels…

–13th & 5th

Overheard by: Caroline Norris

It’s Wednesday One-liners, Dumbass

Drunk woman on cell: It’s been Tuesday all day! And tomorrow’s gonna be Tuesday too!

–St. George, Staten Island

Overheard by: johnny

Teen girl: So, if I didn’t pass a drug test, does that mean I, like, failed?

–Pratt

Southern girl: …so I asked her what the “M” on her bag stood for. She was all, “It stands for Margaret, ’cause it’s my name.” And I was all, “Oh, yeah, that makes sense. I keep forgettin’, ’cause we been calling you Maggie.”

–7 train

Overheard by: ProcrastYNate

Asian woman: Excuse me, what time is the 7:17 train?

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Adman

Wednesday One-liners for the KKK

Stumbling drunk: Viva Mexico! Fuck all the niggers! I hate niggers! Viva Mexico!

–Union Square

Woman: …and did you hear him say that he brainwashed my husband when he was in Iraq?

–27th Street elevator

Old junkie: You red-headed nigga! I saw you on 2nd street! You had an office…in somone’s funky ass! And you’re from Europe!

–F train

Overheard by: Ali

Moms Love Wednesday One-liners

Pregnant chick: You know when I pop this bitch out it is on. Get me a drink!

–2/3 train

Mother: Come here. You’re seven years old and you can’t fasten your own shoelaces? No more video games for your black ass.

–W. 53rd & 10th

Overheard by: James Shannon

Queer: You know, she sent her children to England, so they’d learn how to pronunciate words correctly.

–Angelo’s, 55th Street

Wednesday One-liners Are Bad Ideas

Lesbian: Oh my god! And then all you’d have to do is puke on her and we’d all be even!

–Ginger’s Bar, Park Slope

Guy: Man, don’t worry about kicking that guy’s ass. Like Jesus said, “Turn the motherfucking cheek”, you know?

–Brooklyn Heights

Overheard by: PB

Stalkee: …so then out of the blue I get an email that’s like, “Remember me? I broke up with your neighbor like 6 months ago. Wanna get together?”

–Mugs Ale House, Williamsburg

Overheard by: Greg Rutter

Scalper: Rangers tickets! New York Rangers tickets for sale!

–41st & 7th

Two Sides of the Story: Wednesday One-liners

Guy: I asked her, “Do you have any retail experience?” and she answered, “No, but I used to sell my body.”

–Stonehome Wine Bar, Lafayette Avenue, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Anna

Woman: I was two fisting, unfortunately.

–APT, W. 13th Street

Guy: I think he drank like a gallon of olive oil and some minerals, and he was shitting stones.

–27th Street office

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