All Wednesday One-Liners

Conductor: This is the last train. You have no other options, this is it. Get on this train.

–Metro North Rail

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, please keep your feet off the seats on this train. They belong on the floor; that's why it's there. If you can't put your feet on the floor because your luggage is there, don't worry: we took care of that too. Look up. That thing above your head is a luggage rack.

–NJ Transit, Penn Station

Announcement on NJ transit train: If you have young children, please take them…by the hand when leaving the train.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: JerseyJR

Train conductor: This is 18th Street, if this is your stop…get up! Give up that seat!

–1 Train

Overheard by: Chris K… at 11pm

Amtrak conductor: We are experiencing engine problems and need to change trains. But I want you to know that we have lost no altitude.

–Amtrak Train

Conductor, philosophical about delayed train: We don't usually have this type of delay at this time of day. But, well, here we are… (train starts to move) Aha! Here it is!

–A Train

Overheard by: Katie J

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, do you know where you are? (passengers are silent) I do! Hudson, next stop.

–Amtrak Train, Leaving Penn Station

Professor guy: So I got one of those magnets for headaches, right? It works pretty good, except when I attach it to my steering wheel it changes the radio station every time I turn a corner.

–Fordham University elevator, Lincoln Center

Middle-aged theatrical man, watching summer crowds: Ah! Manhattan in the summer… The hypnotic sway of the unfettered breast…

–Rockefeller Center

Woman on cell to friend: If I have hips this big and I haven't even had a kid, I'm getting boobs. I just want a nice round c cup!

–14th St & 10th ave

Overheard by: adam

Girl to boyfriend, after putting cell phone in her jacket: Yeah… That's not a pocket, that's my tit.

–L Train

Overheard by: TR

Guy on cell phone: What's up, biscuit-tits?

–21st St & 5th Ave

Overheard by: Steve

16-year-old girl to buxom pal: Your breasts are a personal attack on me!

–F Train

Overheard by: wish i was being attacked

Guy: He’s really cool as Chickenhawks go.

–E 15th St, near Stuyvesant Park

Preppy girl: Oh my god, this salad is bangin’, but it needs chicken. I need some motherfuckin’ chicken on my motherfuckin’ salad!

–McDonald’s, Broadway

Mother to daughter: Stand over here. Birds be shittin’.

–Near Penn Station

Overheard by: Checking for pigeons

Guy, looking at man walking duck on leash: That’s just like the duck I used to have!

–Central Park

Man, scared by parrot’s loud screech : What the fuck was that? A duck?

–86th St & 2nd Ave

Man: If I was homeless, I would totally get a big trash bag and stuff it with pigeon feathers. It would be like a big down comforter.

–9th St & 1st Ave

Hipster girl: I know. Pigeon shit and Clorox! If I’m not dead next week it will be a miracle!

–St. Marks & 1st Ave

Overheard by: off white

Girl on cell: Oh my god, I’m shopping with my mom, and she’s shopping for dildos!

–8th & University

Queer on cell: You want me to plan something seasonal? In New York City? You mean, like drinking pumpkin lattes in Starbucks?

–E 78th & York

Overheard by: Hollie G.

Hippie hobo: Man, look at those guys out there, working in the tunnels with all that shit. I’d rather be a park ranger, man. Watch me go get another picnic basket! [Pause] God, get me out of this fucking city. New York sucks. I just want to build a tree house.

–Uptown 1 train

Guy to car that nearly hits him as he crosses street against the light: Fuck you! Welcome to New York!

–19th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer

Ghetto chick: You got a homeless guy blowing kisses at you. You’re a real New Yorker now.

–58th & 8th

Tourist dad to young daughter after seeing two hobos: It’s a New York City thing, honey.

–R train

Woman on cell: I’m walking in an urban landscape. I said I’m walking in an urban landscape!

–78th & Park Ave

Conductor: If you step out of the door, the rest of New York can keep going.

–1 train

Overheard by: Xavier

Woman: “Medium.” What’s medium mean?

–Rite Aid, Grand Central

Overheard by: Mel

Blonde to other: Don't worry, within like an hour you'll have Jameson running through your system.

–Staten Island Ferry Terminal

Girl on cell: I'm kind of hungover–I think that gin and tonic was a bad idea. I was already drunk, I don't know why I felt the need to have one… And then I went home and made scrambled eggs, and then I wrote a long email to Jen* about how good they were and then I read it this morning and I was like "I am such an idiot!"

–Broadway & Great Jones

Overheard by: Lillian

Sorority girl on cell: Well, I'm going to have some champagne, but it's not like I'm knocking back shots with the guys. (pause) Yeah, I know, I know, I'll be careful. (pause) Don't worry, mom, I've done worse drugs than drink before! (long pause) I don't want to talk about it. (long long pause) So…I'm going to go horseback riding!

–Broadway & 34th St, Astoria

Overheard by: Horsies Are Pretty

Bartender: Ladies and gentlemen! Don't run away from or by the bar! You have an hour to walk to your seats. Again, please do not run from the bar, run to it!

Wicked, Broadway

Girl to friend: I only get tipsy enough to go into the Virgin Megastore…

–2nd Ave & 10th St

Overheard by: Jonathan

Man to friend, about AA: Y'know, if I could drink like normal people, I'd get drunk every night.

–Central Park

Overheard by: John Tidyman

Girl to friend: When I told you to seize the moment I didn't know you were drunk!

–Times Square

Overheard by: Rebecca

Girl: Her baby was premature, and she already has health problems. She only has one liver.

–Puck Fair, Lafayette St

Girl: A human baby takes seven or eight weeks to look adorable. A puppy is cute right away.

–31st Ave & 44th St, Queens

Overheard by: Jake

Guy: Where is that crying baby coming from? It better not be in that trash can.

–18th St & 5th Ave

Woman on cell in bathroom stall: Well, shit, I wouldn’t had his baby if I’d known he was on drugs! Hang on… No, I’m in da bafroom. Da bafroom! Ok, later.

–Bathroom in office building, 51st St & 7th Ave

Overheard by: I’m using the one downstairs from now on…

Guy on cell: I wish the baby could go back into your stomach.

–Columbus Circle train station

Teen thug girl holding the Click DVD: Wait, we’re buying this and not baby food?

–Lincoln Park

Overheard by: WTF

Black guy: Man, niggas got guns. You don’t know what they gonna do.

–Astor Place

Overheard by: couldn’t stop laughing

Hungry guy: Tell him I’m gonna kick his ass! Tell him I’m gonna fuck him up, and tell him to bring food.

–Chelsea

Overheard by: Autumn

Mother of the Year: My momma said, “All you gotta do is beat the hell out the biggest one of them, and the rest will fall in line.” And she was right, too.

–23rd & 11th

Woman on cell: She went and married that man who her first husband shot her for goin’ out with.

–Foley Square

Enthusiastic guy: Yeah! Come down to Ditmars and get your ass whipped! Just come on down to Ditmars and get your ass whipped. Yeah! We’ll whip your ass. So just come down to Ditmars. You’ll get your ass whipped.

–N train, Queensboro Plaza

Overheard by: Richard Berman

Amateur chiropractor: She told the cops I hit her with a golf club. I didn’t hit that bitch with no golf club. If I hit that bitch with a golf club, her neck would be broken.

–Behind Pathmark, 125th St

Overheard by: wadotron

Happy hobo: Oh man! Oh man! [Hugs friend repeatedly] Now I’m gonna kick your ass!

–G train

Overheard by: greenpoint blank