Conductor, as the 7 connection pulls from the station across the platform: All of you can thank the passenger in the fifth car down for holding the doors at 59th and making all of you miss your connection.

–N train at Queensboro

Conductor: All right, you had your chance… doors are closing.

–Downtown 1 train @ 42nd st

Overheard by: Mark Manne

Conductor on speaker: We will be stopping in this station for an unspecified amount of time due to our hour delay. There is no scheduled departure time for this train. Once the maintenance is finished we will be departing unannounced. I repeat, we will be leaving unannounced. So if you do decide to step off the train, remember: the train didn’t leave you–you left the train.

–Amtrak train Penn Station

Overheard by: Maggie

Conductor: Attention on the platform. There is no F service in Brooklyn this weekend. For F service to Manhattan, please get on this G train and listen for announcements. Otherwise, you will be waiting here until Monday morning.

–Queens-bound G train, Bergen St.

Overheard by: Maggie

Conductor: Welcome to Times Square, crossroads of the world. Transfer here to everything. Bye.

–7 train station, Times Square

Overheard by: Margarita

Conductor: Due to destruction, there is no service on the 1 train. Repeat, due to destruction, the 1 train is suspended.

–Downtown 2 train

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, this is a Manhattan-bound N train. Now everybody throw their hands in the air! This is going to be fun! Whee!

–N train going around bend, pulling into Queensboro Plaza