Boys

Paris Hilton: “That's Wednesday One-Liner.”

Boy: If my hand was botoxed, could I hold hot things without getting hurt?

–K-Mart, Astor Place

Drunk douchebag: If I was a gay guy, I totally wouldn't cheat on my girlfriend, unless it was with a hot chick.

–Morningside Heights

Overheard by: Ladle

Guy to another, as smoking hot woman walks by: She's so hot I'd eat the corn out of her poop!

–42nd & Broadway

Guy to dinner date: I hate it when people tag me on Facebook. It's like, I'm in sweat pants! I'm a mess! I just ran three miles, leave me alone… You're gonna tag that?! Like "tap that." You're gonna "tag that"? (pause) What do you think about the waitress, pretty hot huh?

–Diner, Washington Heights

Overheard by: April Marks

Wednesday One-Liners' Meters Are Running

Girl to boy: You're just upset that I kicked you out without shoes, and I didn't give you cab fare.

–Black Bear Lodge, 3rd Ave

Guy, after cab splashed water on him: That cab just jizzed on me!

–Broadway & Eagerly

Waspy queer on cell: No, no, take the subway. Just for the experience. Don't take a cab. Cabs are for spoiled people.

–M23 bus

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Girl, yelling into window of off-duty taxi: Fine! We're waiting for the cash cab anyway!

–3rd & Sullivan

Overheard by: Heather

I Avoid the Ones With Seeping Screens

Girl, handing boy an iPhone with sleeping screen: Look at this.
Boy #1, tapping all over screen: How do you get this to work?
Girl: Press the button. (boy continues tapping screen) The round button. Press it. (boy continues tapping all over screen) The only button! (boy continues tapping all over screen everywhere except the button)
Boy #2: Wow, dude, you must be awesome with vaginas.

–Mooncakes Foods, Watts & 6th Ave

It's Wonderful How Awful People Find Each Other

Girl on date: My mother had an abortion when I was 11.
Boy on date: That must be because your parents realized they could never produce anything as beautiful as you again.

–Awash Ethiopian Restaurant, 106th St & Amsterdam

Same Difference, Yo.

Tiny boy: I got freedom, yo!
Slightly less tiny brother: I got a bike, yo!

–Prospect Park

Overheard by: Sunny

Oh, I Was All Up in Her Maki Roll.

Boy #1: Dude, do you speak Japanese?
Boy #2: That's what she said!
Boy #1: What?

–Bard High School, Queens

Overheard by: Sunny

…Repeatedly

Girl: If I ever met Johnny Depp, I'd rape him.
Boy: How does a woman rape a man?
Girl: If I ever met Johnny Depp, you'd find out.

–S54 Bus, Staten Island

Overheard by: Tracy

Wednesday One-Liners Look Good Enough to Eat

Boy: Ew! Honey and ass!?

–48th & 8th

Overheard by: urbanadventurer

Guy to friend: I felt like her eyes were going to eat my face.

–Bleecker & Charles

Overheard by: Jacob

40-something man to 20-something girl: I just wanna nibble your birthmark.

–5th Ave & 9th St

Guy against pillar: I'll suck your ass… If you want it.

–J Train

One More Long Island Iced Tea Should Do It

Boy: I've never drinken anything like this before.
Girl: You mean “drank”.
Boy: I've never drunk anything like this.
Girl: No, I think it's “drank”.
Boy: When would I use “drunk”?
Girl: When you're drunk.

–Time-Warner Bulding, Columbus Circle

Overheard by: Barbara

Wednesnogsday One-Liners

White male to group of friends: I thought she was really into me… Then I turned around and she was kissing Mary.

–Pace University

Girl to boyfriend kissing her hand: Are you kissing my hand or wiping your nose?

–Central Park

Young boy to friend: Wow, lesbians kissing! I've only seen that on the internet!

–Grand Central Station

Black man to two men and two women making out indiscriminately: I thought all y'alls was gay, but now y'alls kissin' each other. I don't know what to think.

–Splash Bar

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