Extremely large guy: Yo, I’m scared of clowns for reeeaaal.
–Court & Montague, Brooklyn
Mother to young child, after ghetto girl passes: No, honey, she’s not a clown. She just likes to dress that way.
–95th & Madison
Overheard by: Don Ricardo
Mother, watching a clown holding a briefcase walk onto the train: [to child] Look, honey, it’s a funny clown!… [to husband] Do you think he has a bomb in that briefcase?
–F train
Overheard by: and then i burst out laughing.
Young professional woman, trying in vain to flag a cab uptown: I should have worn something sluttier today.
–25th & Park
Overheard by: Mike S
Business woman: All I need are some pasties, Daisy Dukes, and some four-inch heels. Then I’ll get a promotion.
–43rd & Lex
Overheard by: I thought that she worked in an office
Girl: The place is Salsa-ey, so dress a little slutty.
–St. Mark’s & 3rd
Overheard by: Ronnie Q
Tween girl in hot-pants and tight shirt: I can’t buy that. My mom doesn’t let me wear baggy clothes.
–Target, Atlantic Center, Brooklyn
Chick: I want hooker boots… but not in the heels. I want flats.
–Hunter College
Conservative guy: The second smartest person in this country is Ann Coulter. And let me tell you, she looks good in a pair of tight pants and Manolos at 2:30 in the morning.
–Metro-North
Overheard by: Stupid Liberal Hottie
Chick on cell: Well, then I don’t feel so bad about going in a little vinyl skirt if you’re just going to be wearing underwear.
–Harlem
Overheard by: McFreaky
Conductor: Last stop, Grand Central Terminal. Remember, don’t drink and drive, but if you are going to take the train, drink ’til you go blind. Have a nice evening.
–Metro North, Grand Central
Conductor: Please stand clear of the closing doors. Next stop, uh… Franklin… naw, that’s not it. Well, let’s go.
–Brooklyn bound R train
Overheard by: Matt Hartwick
Conductor, to woman standing halfway in the motorman’s booth flirting with him: Wanna drive?
–7 train
Overheard by: Margarita
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, this is not roll call. This is not Mickey Mouse roll call. Stand clear of the closing doors.
–4 train, Wall St
Overheard by: Pandora
Conductor: Please step in and watch the closing doors… Sir. Move your stuff out of the doors so I can close them! Motherfucker gonna make me late… gonna make us all late!
–Queens bound R train
Overheard by: Jay Kay
Conductor: We are now approaching 161st Street, Yankee Stadium. If you’re not getting off here, you should. Go see the second half of the Boston Massacre. Have a good day.
–Uptown 4 train
Overheard by: Helena the Great
Conductor: There is no V train service on the weekends. Get on this train. I repeat, there is no V train service on the weekends. What are you waiting for? Just get on my train!
–Downtown E train
Overheard by: tyler ann
Goth guy: Stop looking so happy!
Goth girl: I’m not happy!
–Grand Army Plaza
Overheard by: djingo
Clerk #1: I’ve always wanted to start my own magazine.
Clerk #2: Yeah, but there are so many magazines out!
Clerk #3: I’ve always wanted to start my own T-shirt company.
–American Apparel, Brooklyn Heights
Overheard by:
Dude #1: So what’s going on with *Paige?
Dude #2: Oh! She doesn’t have cancer!
Dude #3: Sweet! Let’s get mohawks!
Dude #1: Well, there goes my night.
–Arion & Broadway, Bushwick
Little kid: What happened to your eye?
Woman with eye patch: Some little kid poked it out.
–Park Slope Food Co-op, Brooklyn
Police officer: Crime isn’t going down. It is being reclassified.
Man: Sir, do you know where I can get cheese?
–Brooklyn Family Court
Girl on cell: Oh my God, my love handles are out of control. When I was getting ready tonight, my fat got caught in my zipper.
–49th & 2nd
Overweight girl: Guys don’t know what they’re missing. There’s some fine pussy under this gut!
–Queens College
Overheard by: Jimbob Watson
Old Italian woman: If I die fat, whatever. Just as long as I make everyone else fat before I go, that’s fine. They can diet after I’m gone. Just keep my recipes is all I’m sayin’, ya know?
–14th & 7th
Overheard by: Dennis
Guy: There should be more laws about people on planes. I once had to sit next to this really fat guy. He was so unapologetic about it! The rogue fat was spilling onto me.
–G train
Shrewd observer, commenting on NYU freshmen: They’re so ugly, and a lot of them haven’t started smoking yet so they’re really fat.
–St. Mark’s & 3rd
Little girl to large woman at paper towel dispenser: I didn’t get any, stupid fat lady!
–Women’s restroom, Shea Stadium
Overheard by: Robyn Z
Art student: You ever seen a fat guy fall on a car? Like, the car just happened to be there?
–Pratt Institute, Brooklyn
Overheard by: TeN22
Museum patron: Tell me the story again about what happened to my bottom?
–Cafeteria, the Met
Woman to misbehaving child: Jamillah Fatima! Do not make me have to make the love connection to your behind on the C train!
–Brooklyn bound C train
Overheard by: ryan
Girl: Man, it’s hotter that 50 butt cracks in here!
–American Apparel, N 6th St, Williamsburg
Idle dreamer: Man…I wish I had, like, 59 butts.
–Apple Store, 5th Ave
Overheard by: i still sell the iPods
Walking VD: I told her straight up I only like her for her ass!
–Kissena Blvd & 71st Ave, Queens
Teen boy: I’m gonna spread your booty cheeks.
–108th & Manhattan
Overheard by: N
Man: Shit, I’ll eat a pig’s ass if they fry it right.
–471 Lincoln Place, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Michael O’Connor
