Sir Mix-a-Lot Likes Wednesday One-Liners (And He Cannot Lie)

Museum patron: Tell me the story again about what happened to my bottom?

–Cafeteria, the Met

Woman to misbehaving child: Jamillah Fatima! Do not make me have to make the love connection to your behind on the C train!

–Brooklyn bound C train

Overheard by: ryan

Girl: Man, it’s hotter that 50 butt cracks in here!

–American Apparel, N 6th St, Williamsburg

Idle dreamer: Man…I wish I had, like, 59 butts.

–Apple Store, 5th Ave

Overheard by: i still sell the iPods

Walking VD: I told her straight up I only like her for her ass!

–Kissena Blvd & 71st Ave, Queens

Teen boy: I’m gonna spread your booty cheeks.

–108th & Manhattan

Overheard by: N

Man: Shit, I’ll eat a pig’s ass if they fry it right.

–471 Lincoln Place, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Michael O’Connor

Posted on September 13, 2006
All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Body Parts, Brooklyn, Food, Kids, Moms, More museums, Museums, One-liners, Private Parts, Queens, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Teens, Upper East Side, Violence, Williamsburg

See, First I Got Some Wood. Then…

Brooklyn queer #1: It’s like that time I had mono and sat on my stoop for three days, whittling wood.
Brooklyn queer #2: I swear to God, if you tell that story one more time I’m going to shoot myself.

–6th St & 5th Ave, Park Slope

Posted on September 1, 2006
Brooklyn, Health and Hygiene, Park Slope, Queers, Violence

How Arrogant!

Teen girl #1: He’s so arrogant! Wait…Arrogant means stupid, right?
Teen girl #2: Yeah, it means stupid and…dumb.

–Starbucks, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Molly

Posted on September 1, 2006
Brooklyn, People, Places, Stupidity, Teens

Goldman-Sachs’s New Technique For Weeding Out Interns

Suit: Excuse me, do you know how to get to Wall Street?
Warehouse employee: Qué?

–Outside a shady warehouse, Bed-Stuy

Overheard by: sean

Posted on August 31, 2006
Brooklyn, Directions, Foreigners, Jobs & Careers, Mexicans, Race, Suits

Wednesday One-Liners Need the Cliffs Notes

Drunk college kid: I had to read Grapes of Wrath. Which, by the way, has no grapes! Pissed me off!

–53rd & 7th

20-Something chick: Non fiction? That’s true stuff right?

–Barnes & Noble, 54th between 3rd & Park

Older sister, giving younger brother a book entitled Living in Sin: Here, this is all about you.

–Barnes & Noble, Union Square

Guy, to friend reading Dostoevsky’s The Idiot: Hey, is that your autobiography?

–Times Square

Overheard by: John

Ghetto white dude: Yo, that nigga is like Shakespeare. Mad gangsta.

–9th St & 4th Ave, Brooklyn

Overheard by: shannon ramlochan

Guy: You can’t talk to me for half an hour about Chaucer and then tell me you have a boyfriend.

–St Mark’s & 3rd

Posted on August 30, 2006
Books & Writing, Brooklyn, College, Families, Manhattan, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, People, Times Square, Union Square and East Village, White People, Wiggers

The Penis Mightier Than the Wednesday One-Liners

Small girl, pointing at an advertisement for Little Man: Look, Grandpa! He looks like a little man!…He has a huge penis!

–189th St

Braggart: My penis is heavier than a full-sized gruyere cheese.

–Red Hook

Guy dressed as a penis, on cell: If you don’t get down to 14th and 6th in another 5 minutes, this is one dick you are not going to see!

–14th & 6th

Overheard by: Madhu Maganti

Guy: I’d give an inch of my dick for the fries at Les Halles. They’re that good!…Ok, maybe half an inch.

–Park Avenue & 29th Street

Overheard by: 11221

Teen boy on cell: Hey, it’s Big Daddy! You know, Big Daddy! You showed me your penis ring last night.

–Times Square

Overheard by: laura

Woman: Aaah! I’ve got baby penises in my eye!

–Sephora, Times Square

Girl: Ooh, she is going to be in so much trouble. She got caught smoking cock.

–Bed-Stuy

Posted on August 30, 2006
Brooklyn, Food, Kids, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Movies, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Penis, Places, Pop Culture, Restaurants & Cafes, Teens, The Bronx, Times Square, Union Square and East Village

The Delis Are Going to Have to Start Selling Matzoh-Ball Soup

Black guy #1, noticing white guy walking down the street: Aw, man!
Black guy #2: There goes the neighborhood.
White guy: This is the cheapest rent in the city. You better believe my people are going to start moving here.

–Franklin Ave, Brooklyn

Posted on August 29, 2006
Black People, Brooklyn, People, Places, Real Estate, White People

Dad Tries the Post-Modern/Eisenhower-Era Parenting Combo Attack

Dad, to little boy holding on to chain-link fence: Get off of that! You can’t climb on that!
Son: But why?
Dad: Because it’s art! And I said so.

–Empire-Fulton Ferry State Park, DUMBO

Overheard by: Lady

Posted on August 28, 2006
Arts & Letters, Boys, Brooklyn, Dads, Kids, Parents

This Being New York, the Last Option Was Quickly Dismissed as Improbable

Hipster girl #1: I bet she had a frontal lobotomy.
Hipster girl #2: Really? I was thinking she might be slightly autistic.
Hipster girl #1: Maybe she’s just really happy.

–Court & Warren, Brooklyn