Brooklyn

Wednesday One-Liners Expand Their Fecabulary

Cyclist: So he was all, "my shit is your shit," and I thought, "that's the most romantic thing I've heard."

–Central Park

Dude on cell, checking out sunblock: They don't have shit here. SPF 15 is too high!

–Duane Reade, Flushing

Toddler that dropped his toy: Oh, shit!

–7th Ave, Park Slope

10-year-old boy to friend: That was like the first time I ever took a shit in a public bathroom.

–2nd Ave & 9th St

Man in baggy jeans walking with gusto: Oh, yes, oh yeah. She wanted my shiiit… She wanted my shit!

–6 Train

Chick to friends: He is totally going to shit a tampon!

–84th St & Amsterdam

I Can’t Believe You Say Motherfucker to Granny

Girl: So my dad opened Jake’s phone bill the other day and he’s like “I don’t want to alarm you or anything, but there’s a phone number on here that Jake has been calling all the time.”
Grandmother: Oh my god! You’re not saying–
Girl: And when we called it we found out it was that Chinese restaurant down the street. That motherfucker eats there all the time! So much that it put him over on his cell phone minutes. Can you believe that?

–Driggs Pizza, Williamsburg

Overheard by: Greg Rutter

Are You Sleeping with Anybody Who Looks Like Her Husband?

Chick #1: She yelled at me again!
Chick #2: What did you do?
Chick #1: Nothing. I swear, that woman has a vendetta against me. I must look like somebody her husband is sleeping with.

–Brooklyn Brewery

Overheard by: Jess McGins

Aw, It's Almost Like a Christmas Atmosphere!

Patriot: Happy motherfucking America Day, everyone!
20-something: It's called the 4th of July, dumbass.
Patriot: You shut your goddamn liberal commie bitch ass mouth, you fuckin terrorist!

–Brooklyn Heights

Overheard by: Graham Davis

Or We Can See Some Nudity

Poetry slam emcee: Hi, everyone! Wow, what a great turnout…I think you're all Emma's friends. She's first, but we have a great line-up, so please don't leave. Stay!
Emma's friend, sotto voce: Dude, it's a poetry reading, even Emma is leaving unless you give everyone another drink ticket.

–Grand Street & Driggs, Brooklyn

Sweetie, This Is America — Real Isn’t Real

Dude: Who would win in a fight, Pinhead or Predator?
Chick: Definitely Predator.
Dude: But wait — is pinhead real?

–Brooklyn

Wednesday One-Liners for the Fine Young Cannibals

Hipster: Everyone I know is either married, divorced, gay or crazy.

–37th St, Astoria

Overheard by: Matthias Sundberg

Karaoke panhandler singing Gnarls Barkley: "Does that make me craaaaazy? Maybe I'm craaaaaazy!" It's Memorial Day and I'm sitting here singing to people I never met before in my life. Mmmmmm…craaaazy!

–Times Square Subway Station

Black woman to janitor companion: I am so glad I live in the ghetto. These motherfuckers down here are crazy! (companion nods) And I live in the ghe-tto, 2 train ghetto.

–22nd St & 5th Ave

Hobo, watching man and woman having sex against a statue: I think I'm going to have to move to Europe or something. This place is getting too crazy.

–Madison Square Park

Overheard by: Westsider

30-something guy on cell: Well, that's what my crazy sister said about my more crazy sister.

–Broadway & 114th St

Overheard by: mary e.

Little boy in abandoned shopping cart: I've gotta get off this crazy train!

–Target, Atlantic Ave

Or It Would If “That Other Thing” Weren't Murder

Construction worker to another: I got a parking ticket today, but I'm just going to send it in not guilty, then send a lawyer to say my client can't make court today, then reschedule, then by then I'll already be on probation from that other thing!
Friend: Yeah, good idea, that should work.

–Brooklyn

The Best Reason Not to Document Your Exploits

Ghetto gay boy: So Sophia* got some video of her on the internet givin' head to her ex man.
Not so ghetto gay boy: Yeah? That sucks.
Ghetto gay boy: Yeah, I told her yo, you better not let your son see that shit.

–Norman Ave, Greenpoint

Overheard by: Why would he be looking?

Oh, Sorry–Didn’t Know You Were on the Phone

Black dude following girl: Hey man, check out that ass! Look at that ass! That’s some fine ass. Look at that ass.
Black chick being followed: (into her phone) Hold on. (turns to man) Nigga, go away!

–Broadway & Lafayette

Overheard by: Ivan

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