Shade-Grown, Slow-Roasted Wednesday One-Liners

Thug to friend: That bitch looked up at me and said, "Damn, your dick tastes like coffee."

–86th St & Lexington

Overheard by: TINA

Female suit to other: Duane Reade is like the Starbucks of drugstores!

–Duane Reade

Old lady with shopping cart, exiting voting booth: Where's my Starbucks coupon?

–PS163, Bath Beach, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Torgo61

Guy on cell: Hey, bro! I'm having coffee and a bagel. (pause) No, an animal did not have to die for me to have this coffee!

–Arthur Avenue

Overheard by: eternal student

Man with heavy Indian accent holding a cup of Starbucks coffee: No, the most expensive coffee in the world is coffee beans eaten and then pooped out by a cat. It's $120 a cup.

–Elevator, 7th Ave & 31st St

Posted on August 24, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, BJs, Brooklyn, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Coffee, Compare/Contrast, Duane Reade, Friends, Gay Man's Best Friend, Guys, India Indians, Junk Food & Fast Food, Men, Money & Class, Nicknames & name calling, Old People, One-liners, Penis, Poop, Questions, School, Sensory Experiences, Shopping, Street, Suits, The Bronx, Thugs, Upper East Side, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

I Won’t Even Let a Stranger Wash My Car

Old lady #1: So, they put you on a slab and the coroner washes your body, like if you were all dirty if you died in an accident.
Old lady #2: They take your clothes off?
Old lady #1: Of course!
Old lady #2: I don’t think I want a strange man looking and washing my cooch!

–Bay Ridge

Posted on August 23, 2014
Brooklyn, Default, Health and Hygiene, Nudity, Offers and requests, Old People, Vagina, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

Two Voices, a Single Dream

Girl #1, into phone: No, we’re in Brooklyn. Yeah, Spot Collins’s territory.
Girl #2: I cannot believe you just made a Newsies reference.
Girl #1: Bitch, please — you do it all the time.

–17th & 4th, Brooklyn

Overheard by: me too

Posted on August 22, 2014
Brooklyn, Friends, Pop Culture

One That Costs a Lot Of Money and Never Sails

Toddler, pointing: Boat!
Dad: That's not a boat. That's a church.
Toddler: Boat! Boat!

–Brooklyn

Overheard by: Not Noah

Posted on August 20, 2014
Brooklyn, Church, Dads, Kids

Never Take Sex Advice From the Tin Man

Hipster guy #1: Just, like, wait for her to bend down to tie her shoe or some shit.
Hipster guy #2: Then I should put it in? Like, through her pants?
Hipster guy #1: What? You’ve never been that hard?

–Studio B, Brooklyn, NY

Overheard by: DJALLTHETIME

Headline by: blistexaddict

Runners-Up:
· “… But Do Vinyl Stretch Pants Work As a Contraceptive?” – I’m wearing them, just in case
· “It Cuts Through Anything, Even This Aluminum Can.” – Beery
· “It’s the Only Way I Got Any in Saudi Arabia” – master
· “Mary Could Never Quite Explain to Her Doctor How Her Tonsils Got Perforated.” – Jen
· “Oh Sure, That’s How I Sewed This Shirt.” – Taylor
· “Or Just Use That Knife Thing From Se7en” – BabakganoosH

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Posted on August 16, 2014
Advice, Bars & Clubs, Brooklyn, Erections, Guys, Headline Contest Winners, Hipsters, Questions

Laura Ashley-Clad Street Thugs Leering Menacingly on Street Corners…

Dude #1: You know how I know you’re gay?
Dude #2, wearily: Because I love Connecticut.
Dude #1: What a fucking horrible place!

–Clinton & Myrtle, Clinton Hill, Brooklyn

Overheard by: JP

Posted on August 16, 2014
Brooklyn, Comebacks, Gays and Lesbians, Guys, Queer guys, Questions, Sexuality, Stupidity, Talking/Convos, U.S. Geography

How Many Lines Are in a Wednesday One-Liner?

Woman stopping passersby: Do you know the Chinese restaurant on either 8th or 9th? (points at buildings on 14th Street)

–14th St & b/w 7th & 8th Ave

Girl to another: What is jizz?

–NYU Freshman Dorm

Overheard by: Betty Noir

Man in all seriousness to restaurant server holding two plates of food: Do you guys serve food here?

–Las Ramblas Tapas Restaurant

Woman on cell: Do you think they have batteries in the Dominican Republic, or should I buy some?

–Gateway Center, Brooklyn

Overheard by: DominicanEnergizer

Tourist woman: Excuse me, do I go Uptown or Downtown?

–Delancey St

Overheard by: TR

Bewildered girl in Persian class: Does Iran have lightning?

–NYU

Posted on August 15, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, Baristas, Brooklyn, Cum, Customers, Directions, Ethnic Food, Food, Global Geography, Lower East Side, NYC Geography, NYU, On Cell, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Shopping, Strangers, Students, Stupidity, The Village, Tourism, Tourists, Wednesday One-Liners, Women, Words

Wednesday Gettin'-None Liners

Man screaming into phone: We've been having fun and fun and fun. The thing we ain't having is fucking sex!

–Greenpoint

Overheard by: LisaLisa

Psych prof: Now, I don't know anyone who's ever died from not having sex. Maybe they tried to get some and failed in some horrible way that led to their demise, but I don't know anyone who's actually died from not having sex. (later) If you go on a starvation diet, which I don't recommend, be sure to drink water because, uh, you will die.

–Barnard College

Overheard by: High Aspirations

Guy to friend: He's fucking 57 years old and he's still a fucking virgin.

–W Broadway & Thomas

Gay man to straight female friend: I haven't had sex in almost two years… I need to get a dog.

–G Train

Overheard by: Sunny

Posted on August 15, 2014
Advice, Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Brooklyn, Death, Diet/Weight, Drinks, Fag Hags, Friends, Guys, Insults, Man's Best Friend, Men, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Queer guys, Sex, Teachers/Professors, Time, Virginity, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wednesday One-Liners

Indignant, They Called the Humane Society

Dude #1: Yo, son! Son! Look at that horse!
Dude #2: Nah, I don’t like horses much.
Dude #1: No, son! Son! Look at what’s on the horse. Damn.
Dude #2: Damn! Mama Mia! That ass is bigger than the horse’s!

–Prospect Park

Overheard by: Lizzie-loo

Posted on August 13, 2014
Ass, Brooklyn, Guys

The Conversational Equivalent of the “I'm With Stupid —>” Shirt

Staten Island chick to friend: Remember when we got off at this stop because some guy lied to us and told us we were in Brooklyn?
Uninterested friend to random guy next to her: I like your shoes.

–Brooklyn Bound 4 Train

Overheard by: Emma

Posted on August 13, 2014
Brooklyn, Compliments, Default, Friends, Girls, NYC Geography, On the Subway, Questions, Shoes, Stupidity