Wednesday One-Liners Have More Stomachs Than a Cow

Teen boy: I like touching fat people.

–69th St & 5th Ave, Bay Ridge

Overheard by: Jon A.

Guy to friends: So I was on the subway the other day and I was counting some guys’ chins and I realized, I’m just not a nice person.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: CUMT

Large black woman on cell: Of course I’m loud, I’m fat!

–25th & 8th

Overheard by: Beckerman

Chick to guy: I’m thinking of keeping it, as an excuse to get fat.

–Times Square

Overheard by: Ladle

30-something with heavy NYC accent: Ya know, if I had to do high school all over again, I woulda fucked a fat chick. I wouldna cared so much.

–34th & 5th

Man yelling on cell: I would be so much better at Jeopardy then her! Her fat Indian hands can’t hit the button as fast as I can!

–35rd St & 5th Ave

Female house manager: He comes over and he’s like: "What are you doing?" and I said: "My job." and he goes: "You’re fat."

–Theater, St Mark’s Place

Overheard by: Mariah

Posted on September 4, 2014
9 to 5-ers, Ahhh! Real New Yorkers, All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Body Parts, Boys, Brooklyn, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Compare/Contrast, Diet/Weight, Education, Friends, Guys, Insults, Jobs & Careers, Men, Murray Hill and Gramercy, On Cell, Physical appearance, Questions, School and studying, Sensory Experiences, Sex, Teens, Theater, Times Square, Union Square and East Village, Weirdness, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Bust Out One-Armed Pushups for Fun

Chick on cell: Yeah, I'm like a hardcore rollerblader now. I just haven't learned how to stop yet.

–44th & 3rd

Steroid Freak: So I was hanging from his torso and then we tried to insert the triangle…

–25th & Lexington

Young man to friend: He likes me, he likes my style… he wants me to contort my limbs on a float.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Eyeteeth

Bored teenage girl (from 2nd story window): Hello, Mr Runner man! You've got a long way to go! I see you across the street there, wearing all black. These are words of encouragement! I support your acts of fitness!

–Vanderbilt & Bergen

Overheard by: Jilly

Female power-walker with cigarette: I used to be able to make a mile in under 7, but that was, you know, way back in college, before the job and the (runs out of breath) …way back.

–Prospect Park Loop

Overheard by: EmLo

Posted on September 4, 2014
Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Brooklyn, Clothing, Fitness, Friends, Girls, Health and Hygiene, Jocks, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Murray Hill and Gramercy, On Cell, Parks, Smokers & Smoking, Smoking, Sports, Teens, Union Square and East Village, Weirdness

I’m Beginning to Think My Thesis Advisor Is Asking Too Much of Me

Girl: I don’t inspect poo, and I don’t pull things from her ass.
Guy: [Blank stare.]

–Union St., Brooklyn

Posted on September 3, 2014
Ass, Brooklyn, Default, Girls, Poop, Weirdness

Unfortunately, Those 10 Years Were the ’80s

Woman: What’s the average shelf life for a crackhead?
Man: She’s doing a lot, I mean…
Woman: But how long can she go?
Man: Crackheads? I’d give’ em a good 10 years.

–Williamsburg, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Jones

Posted on September 1, 2014
Brooklyn, Cocaine, Cocaine Diet, Couples

How Little Is Little?

Guy #1: What if it’s a crime or something?
Guy #2: So what? It’s not like you’re a rapist or anything. It’s not like you had sex with a little girl, right?

–Prospect Park

Posted on September 1, 2014
Brooklyn, Creepsters, Park Slope, Parks, Robbing the Cradle, Sex

Which Is Why Your Name Is “Suburban”

Four-year-old girl: Daddy, you love your Bourbon, don't you?
Embarrassed dad: Sh, sweetie…daddy's car is called a “Suburban.”

–Kings Plaza Mall

Posted on August 31, 2014
Brooklyn, Dads, Drinking & Drunk People, Kids, Malls, Names, Parents, Questions, Should've Used a Condom

Wednesday One-Liners… The Rest Is Still Unwritten

Kid to another: Stephen king is the best autha, yo. But Danielle Steele is the best girl autha, yo.

–Barnes & Noble, Union Square

Overheard by: Joel

Teen to friend: Santa's a well-read dude, but they won't let him pee.

–5th Ave Barnes & Noble

Overheard by: Dude Santa

Ghetto chick: Yeah, maybe mama will actually buy a book…one day.

–Barnes & Noble, Union Square

Overheard by: Robert Gleyberman

Guy trying to push "free literature": This book is really important. It was the book that Gandhi followed. Do you know who Gandhi is? He's like the Indian Martin Luther King.

–L Train

Man reading Richard Scarry's What Do People Do All Day?: What? Poets do not write poetry all day! They work shitty jobs in design firms and sell things to assholes from San Diego! (turns page) And writers don't write all day! They pick up laundry for Park Slope bitches!

–Children's Section, Barnes & Noble, Court Street

Overheard by: Amused Bookseller

Posted on August 30, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, Books & Writing, Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Friends, Gender issues, Ghetto Chicks, Guys, History & Geography, Insults, Jobs & Careers, Kids, Men, On the Subway, One-liners, Pee, Questions, Store, Teens, Union Square and East Village, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

…Enjoy Your Savior!

Hasidic girl, after borrowing non-hasidic girl's phone: Thank you so much! What's your name?
Non-hasidic girl: Ann.
Hasidic girl: Ann… You're Jewish, no?
Non-hasidic girl: No.
Hasidic girl: Really?
Non-hasidic girl, slightly annoyed: Really.
Hasidic girl: Oh. Well, it was nice meeting you anyway.

–Kingston & Empire

Overheard by: Jess

Posted on August 30, 2014
Brooklyn, Jews, Judaism, Names, Questions, Shiksas (& other Gentiles)

Good Thing Shachi's Delivers

Dude #1: How much energy could you create yourself, powering a small turbine? Like, if you jumped on a bicycle?
Dude #2: Enough to turn on a light bulb.
Dude #3: But you have to use up energy to create energy. Like, your body would use food energy. It's just not energy-efficient.

–Restaurant, Brooklyn