The First Arm’s Easy, the Second One’s a Real Problem

Long Island JAP #1: Are all New York City girls drug-addict whores?
Long Island JAP #2: Yeah, but so are girls from Long Island. There’s really no difference.
Random Upper East Side JAP: Oh my god, can I just interject for a second here? Long Island girls and New York City girls are not the same thing. It is not okay to wear Tommy Hilfiger sweatshirts, and we’re all addicted to drugs because we don’t have gross Long Island weed and coke that is ninety-nine percent baking soda. And we’re whores because we’re like a thousand times hotter than you’ll ever be, even when we’re not wearing makeup. Plus, I don’t tawk like this.
Long Island JAP #1: Wow, that was, like, seriously uncalled for.
Upper East Side JAP: Yeah well, I’d rather cut off my own arms than live in Long Island. Also, I’m just high, so don’t really pay attention to me.

–Serafina, Upper East Side

Posted on November 13, 2006
Bimbettes, Compare/Contrast, Idiots, JAPs, Judaism, NYC Geography, Restaurants & Cafes

Just ‘Cause She’s Short and Drinking Stout?

Friend #1: What did he just say to her?
Friend #2: He said that she reminded him of a character from the movie Beauty and the Beast.
Friend #1: What? Did he say she looked like the Beauty or the Beast?
Friend #2: I dunno but I think that she looks like the teapot.

–Maritime Hotel

Overheard by: Noel

Posted on November 12, 2006
Compare/Contrast, Friends, Hotels, Movies, Talking/Convos

I Was Just Messin’ Wit’ Jew

Hasidic Jew: Excuse me, sir, are you Jewish?
Man: Yes.
Hasidic Jew: The Messiah is coming soon. [To black woman:] Excuse me, ma’am, are you Jewish? I was just kidding.

–2 train

Overheard by: the rat

Posted on November 6, 2006
Black People, Compare/Contrast, Jews, Judaism, Men, On the Subway, Race, Women

He’s Got a Sneeze Guard on His Toilet

Teen girl: I’m not saying I wish I had a penis. It would just be nice to be able to pee standing up.
Teen guy: Peeing standing up is a lot like eating grapefruit… One wrong move, and you could squirt yourself in the eye.
Teen girl: Oh my god… seriously?

–Famous Original Ray’s Pizza, 7th Ave

Posted on November 2, 2006
Compare/Contrast, Fruit, Girls, Guys, Pee, Penis, Restaurants & Cafes, Stupidity, Talking/Convos, Teens, Wishes & desires

And if I Wanted to Demonstrate Praeteritio, I Would Have…Never Mind

Suit: I wouldn’t want to tangle with you, bitch.
Ghetto girl: I can’t believe you just called me a bitch. That is so offensive!
Suit: Don’t be so uptight. In the city, bitch is just a generic term for female. If I wanted to offend you I would have called you a cunt. So chill.

–Burger King, 23rd & Park Avenue South

Posted on November 2, 2006
Advice, Assholes, Compare/Contrast, Ghetto Chicks, Gripes, Insults, Only in New York, Restaurants & Cafes, Suits, Words

Our Product Regrew Wednesday One-Liners in Four Out of Five Users

Straight guy: I need to change my hair. Four out of five girls with that bachelorette party last night thought I was gay.

–LIRR

Overheard by: Phil

Guy: Listen, it’s not hair replacement. It’s a system.

–Sterling & 7th, Park Slope

Overheard by: A White Bear

White guy: Yeah, and I ripped out her weave.. it was awesome!

–14th & 5th

Overheard by: Amelia D

Hobo: All Democrats must have pink hair, by mandate of the homeless Republican!

–12th & 6th

Overheard by: theNJl

Ghetto girl: She wanted to charge me $400 for my hair. She was gonna charge me by the pound! Who charges for hair by the pound? I could get my homegirl to do it for $20. Never buy your hair from someone in the ‘hood!

–5 train, 125th St

Overheard by: La Liz

Bald queer: Oh, now I have to do my hair again. It’s so difficult to keep my hands out of it!

–Elevator, 1250 Broadway

Posted on October 25, 2006
All Wednesday One-Liners, Celebrations/Parties, Compare/Contrast, Gays and Lesbians, Gender issues, Hair, Money & Class, Politics, Violence, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary, Words

We Recommend 8 Hours of Wednesday One-Liners a Night

Restaurant patron: Wait, you are telling me you never wake up in the middle of the night and think you’re still in jail?

–Mottsu Soho

Overheard by: J

Guy on cell: I’ll be there in a few hours. No! Just wait! I mean can you please just not sleep all day again for three seconds?

–Canal St

Hobo: Sorry to disturb y’all! If you look at me closely, you will see some red marks. I was sleeping on the ground for a couple of days and I did not know that if you smell like food, those big rats will bite you.

–B Train

Overheard by: Jamie Paquette

Guy on cell: Hi. I’m just calling to say . . . ummm . . . I feel really bad about how things are going, how things have been. I don’t know if you got any sleep last night. I know I didn’t. But I guess I turned it to my best advantage, because I just gave the most amazing lecture. I talked for two and a half hours! So I guess I’m not totally useless to everyone.

–Chelsea Station Post Office

Anorexic dancer: Yeah, but I can’t wake up without toilet paper.
Friend: …..
Anorexic dancer: It makes sense to me.

–Meredith Wilson Residence Hall, Juilliard School

Overheard by: cherry

Patron to bartender: I mean, I sleep till 3 p.m., but that’s because I drink and do coke all the time. . . . I guess they do too!

–Barracuda

Posted on October 18, 2006
All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Cocaine, Compare/Contrast, Drinking & Drunk People, Education, Homeless, Jobs & Careers, Offers and requests, Prison, Time, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

France Just Seems Small, Because It’s So Easy to Conquer

Customer You Greek?
Waitress: Greek Orthodox.
Customer: So you’re Greek.
Waitress: No, that’s my religion, they call it Greek Orthodox.
Customer: But you’re from Greece, right?
Waitress: No, Belarus.
Customer: Russia?
Waitress: Belarus. It’s the former USSR. It’s between Russia and Poland.
Customer: I never heard of it. It must be very small.
Waitress: It’s not small.
Customer: It must be very small.
Waitress: It’s the size of France. France is quite big, actually.
Customer: I better look at a map.
Waitress: Yeah, you’d better.

–Diner, Park Slope