Brunette: But… I don’t know what to say to him. What do you say to that?
Redhead: Just tell him you wanna use him like a pogo stick.
–Line at Helen Hayes Theater
Brunette: But… I don’t know what to say to him. What do you say to that?
Redhead: Just tell him you wanna use him like a pogo stick.
–Line at Helen Hayes Theater
Mom to three-year-old: Actually, there are two other airports in New York. One is called ‘JFK,’ and the other is called ‘New Jersey.’
–111th & Broadway
Overheard by: Fudd
Drunk girl: Well, somebody’s walking back to Jersey tonight!
–Times Square
Man on cell: Well, you’re really going to have to gather whatever inner strength you’ve got, look inside yourself, stay strong… Be prepared to live without me around… Huh? New Jersey! What did you think I meant?
–42nd & 5th
Overheard by: Matthew K. Johnson
Guy on cell: She’s moving to Israel? Really? I guess people really will do anything to get out of New Jersey.
–Park Slope
Woman on cell: No, you see, this guy was a Jersey guy. He might have made it big on Wall Street, but he’s a Jersey guy. That was a mistake.
–Battery Park
Guy #1: It could be worse.
Guy #2: Worse? How?
Guy #1: Newark.
Guy #2: Newark… Right. I see your point.
–Duane Reade, 8th & Broadway
Dude: It weirds me out when deaf people can talk.
–Bryant Park
Chick: There’s a house, and he grew up in that house, and now he lives in that house. How weird. How local.
–N train, Queens
Overheard by: Morgan
Guy: I want a giant tattoo of Weird Al and Thomas Dolby shaking hands.
–Bar, Lower East Side
Hipster on cell: Is wanting a bed-and-breakfast, a weed garden, and a forest full of Thai tranny fawns so fucking weird?
–Houston and Elizabeth
Girl: So we were at her house the other day smoking pot, and I was like, ‘This pot tastes weird.’ And I asked John if it tasted weird and he said, ‘Yeah, it does.’ So I asked her if she had been using her crack pipe to smoke pot out of again and she said, ‘Oops.’
–20th St & 8th Ave
Bright-purple-mohawk guy to shaved-head girl with multiple nose piercings: Your best friend is so weird!
–12th St & University Pl
Overheard by: Joe
Suit on cell: Yeah, it’s kind of weird dating my sister.
–33rd & 7th
Club promoter: Comedy tonight at the Improv!
Middle-aged woman: The real comedy is on the streets.
–Times Square
Overheard by: Kevin Motel
Hobo to unconscious friend: Yo man, let’s get some coke! I don’t be playing, let’s get some coke! [Two minutes later] Psssh, ain’t no such thing as a good kid. All them fucked up. Yo man, you look like Barry White. Anyone ever tell you that? [No response.] Stupid. [Reaches into his plastic bag and pulls out a clown mask which he puts over his face.]
–LIRR waiting area
Overheard by: pretending my train just arrived
Teen girl #1: So, I heard that this porn star had, like, lung cancer and had to, like, have part of her lung removed.
Teen girl #2: Damn, that sucks. Is she, like, always out of breath?
Teen girl #1: Yeah, and she, like, can’t talk that much either ’cause she can hardly breathe.
Teen girl #2: But isn’t she a porn star? When she like, you know, has an orgasm, how can she make those loud noises? Her career is so over.
Teen girl #1: Maybe she has a ventriloquist.
Teen girl #2: No way. That’d only work if she was a guy and it was gay porn, ’cause, I mean, who’s ever heard of a girl ventriloquist?
–Deli, 42nd St
Headline by: Emilio Lizardo
Runners-Up:
· “And They Called Her Howdy Pooty” – Sean
· “Charlie McCarthy Does Dallas!” – Mary Beth Hanlon
· “How many ‘likes’ does it take to get to another orgasm?” – Maggie Mae
· “I never knew smoking pole could cause lung cancer” – Matt T
· “If Helen Keller did porn” – Em
· “She’s Not Bad, But I Can See Her Lips Moving” – Dan
· “That’s not all she’s faking” – CoolPapaZ
· “Those screeching sounds come from her other set of lips” – Nick. D.
· “You know what else turns me on? Leprosy” – Steve
Drunk girl: I look like a Halloween movie — like Freddie the 13th. Wait, that’s not right.
–PATH train
Overheard by: Juggs Photographer
30-something woman: I’ve come to realize that there’s never going to be a Lloyd Dobbler. There won’t be any boom boxes.
–Prospect Park
Hushed female voice during screening of Short Bus: What the fuck does this have to do with hooking up in New York post-9/11? Take this hippie-dippy crap back to Portland! Ewww! God, take your carriage clock and shove it!
–Landmark Sunshine Theatre, Houston St
Middle-aged tourist to husband: They are so dramatic with all of the security here… It’s just like a movie.
–Church St, by World Trade Center
UPS Guy: I swear to you, Joey, I seen a lot of movies in my time and this movie is not to be missed. I swear, it’s definitely one of the ten best I’ve ever seen. And I’m a big movie buff. They have it at Blockbuster — you have to rent it. It’s called Nanny McPhee. You got that? Nanny McPhee.
–34th & Broadway
Woman: It’s like watching The Sound of Music and The Exorcist at the same time!
–Starbucks, Financial District
Overheard by: Sarah
Guy: That movie had more male pube shots in it than any movie I’ve ever seen.
–Starbucks, 66th & Columbus
Overheard by: MojoSaves
Man, while snatching last seat on train: Sorry lady, I got a broken foot.
Lady: So? I’ve got a broken heart.
–Uptown 6 train
Nu-metal kid: Man, I haven’t been arrested in so long!
–St. Mark’s Place & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Barrie
Teen boy commandeering speaker: Next stop: Riker’s Island.
–Uptown 1 train
Overheard by: Victoria
Black tranny to another: Honey, that’s the worst thing you can be called up in jail!
–Christopher & Greenwich St.
Overheard by: Walking away even faster
Ghetto mom on phone: If you report it they’ll have to arrest the both of us.
–Cablevision office, Brooklyn
Middle-aged wankster: Yo, I rubbed ‘Get Money Oil’ on my apron one time, and that week I got fired from fuckin’ three jobs and I got fuckin’ arrested! Don’t fuckin’ mess with witchcraft!
–Coldstone, 6th Avenue
Overheard by: rpk
Old teacher: Teaching tenth grade isn’t so bad. By that time the rotten ones don’t bother to show up or they’re already in jail.
–E train
Overheard by: jobee
White, mid-40s nerd petting dog: You know, I think it’s really funny how a guy can pet a dog and everyone thinks he’s the nicest guy in the world, but the second he does it to a stranger on the street, they wanna lock him in jail.
–Marquet Cafe, E 12th St.
Overheard by: Grace
