Wednesday One-Liners: Unfiltered.

Chick on cell, not visibly pregnant: I'm having a c-section and a cigarette.

–Simply Natural, 43rd & 10th

Overheard by: Pleased

Recurrent drunkard to bar: I'm not a smoker! I'm a libertarian, for fuck's sake!

–Peter McMannus Pub

LIRR conductor: There will be no pugilism on this train. Additionally, tonight marks the first night of Kwanzaa, and in the spirit of Kwanzaa, I ask you to not smoke on this train. This is the final warning: if you are smoking, you will be ejected at the next convenient stop. Also, no throwing up is allowed on the train. The two places where you may throw up are in the conveniently-located bathrooms, or on yourselves. Again, merry Kwanzaa.

–LIRR

Overheard by: Jenna K

NYU girl: Do you have a cigarette to ease my cough?

–Waverly & Mercer

Chick: Mad Men is like porn for smokers.

–172nd St & Broadway

Overheard by: Ladle

Posted on May 9, 2015
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Bars & Clubs, Celebrations/Parties, Compare/Contrast, Conductors, Drunks, Fighting and ass kicking, Film, Girls, Illness, Insults, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Offers and requests, On Cell, One-liners, Politics, Porn, Preggers, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Public Transportation, Smoking, Store, Students, The Village, Trains Not Subway, Vomit, Washington Heights and Inwood, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Fair Enough.

Driver being diverted past blockaded street: What's going on here?
Cop diverting traffic: What's going on? It's New York freaking City! That's what's going on! Move along!

–9th Ave & 20th St

Overheard by: Mighty Spatula

Posted on May 8, 2015
Cars and Driving, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Conductors, Cops, Only in New York

Commuting Can Be a Real Zoo

Conductor: Tickets, please. Oh, wow, is that a parrot?
Lady with parrot on her shoulder: Yes, it is. I take him out every mother's day to see my parents. He's on a leash, though, and won't make any noise.
Conductor: Okay, no problem. There's actually a cat in the next car and a dog in the one after that.
Parrot lady's kid: A cat in the next car?! Cats eat birds. One animal per car!
Conductor, deadpan: I've got bad news for you, kid–there's more animals on this car than just that parrot.
Casual observer, not looking up from his paper: Truer words have never been spoken.

–Metro North

Posted on May 1, 2015
Birds, Conductors, Gay Man's Best Friend, Man's Best Friend, Parents, Passengers, Public Transportation, Trains Not Subway

Wednesday One-liners Practice Good Conduct

Conductor: Attention, ladies and gentlemen on the platform. Yes, this is a C train. If you are waiting for the F train you have gots to get on this train, no ifs, ands or buts about it. Just get on this train, and we will discuss it as we roll.

–C train

Posted on April 21, 2015
Conductors, On the Subway, Public Transportation

The Zen of Metro North Maintenance

Conductor #1: Folks, if you’re looking for a seat, walk all the way to the back of the train. The last car is not even half full.

Conductor #2: Or half empty.

–Metro North train

Posted on April 12, 2015
Conductors, Directions, Philosophy, Trains Not Subway

And It's Not Like New York Subways Ever Change Their Routes

Automated announcer: The next stop is 59th Street.
(people flee the train)
Conductor: The next stop on this train will be 14th Street, Union Square. Not 59th Street. …you people take this train every day. You should know better than that, now come on!

–Uptown 4 Train

Overheard by: Cait

Posted on April 10, 2015
Conductors, On the Subway, Public Transportation, Stupidity

Wednesday One-Liners Run the Other Underground Railroad

Conductor: This is the 3:07 off peak train to Huntington. Stopping at Woodside, Jamaica, New Hyde Park…blah, blah, blah, you get the idea. Watch the gap. (clicks microphone off)

–LIRR

Conductor: There's a 2 express train right across the platform. Ready, set, go!

–1 Train

Conductor: There's a Brighton Beach-bound b train across the platform. Say that three times fast.

–F Train

Overheard by: Thom Cohen

Conductor: Ladies and gentleman, I have a very important announcement: this is not the last helicopter out of Saigon. I repeat, this is not the last helicopter out of Saigon. There will be another train after this one, and another one after that.

–Downtown 2 Train

Train conductor: This message is for the young man who stepped to the edge of the platform at the front of the train. This train feels no pain, this train has no brain. How about you?

–Downtown A Train

Overheard by: Guitarbuyer

Bus driver: This is East 18th Street. If you get off here, you'll be at the q train faster. If you choose to not use your god-given walking ability, the q train is next.

–B11 Bus

Overheard by: not using her god given walking ability

Conductor: This is 96th Street. Next stop, 103rd. Everyone ready? And away we go!

–1 Train

Overheard by: Ali

Posted on April 3, 2015
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Bus, Bus Drivers, Compare/Contrast, Conductors, Directions, God, On the Bus, On the Subway, One-liners, Passengers, Public Transportation, Stupidity, Subway conductors, Trains Not Subway, War, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

If Only Israelis and Palestinians Had a Common Football Team to Get Behind

Conductor over loudspeaker: Our next stop will be New York Penn Station, please make sure you have all your personal belongings when leaving this train… And for all you football fans out there, Giants just fucking won! Everyone can put their feet on the seats, we’re celebratin’ tonight!
Passengers: Yeah!

–NJ Transit

Overheard by: Vicksburg

Posted on April 1, 2015
Celebrations/Parties, Conductors, Default, Etiquette, Happiness, Men, Sports, Strangers, Trains Not Subway, Women

Pugilism While Gurgling?

Conductor: Attention passengers, there will be no purgalism on this train tonight.
Drunken passengers: Did he just say “purgalism”? What the fuck is “purgalism”? Is that even a word?
(five minutes later)
Conductor: There will also be no puking on this train. No puking and no purgalism. I will not be taking any questions tonight.

–LIRR