Thug on cell: Yo, hearse rent a car? Yo man, I need to rent a hearse. Yeah, I'll hold. (pause) Y'all don't rent no hearses? Why y'all call yoselfs hearse rent a car? (pause) Word? Well, I need to move a body, maybe you got a van or something? (pause) I don't care, I just need to move his dead ass. (pause) Cargo van? Whatever. Yeah.
Thug's friend: Ask if they got am'blances.
–Grand Concourse, 158 St
Overheard by: Big Larry
Large man on payphone: I'm gonna kill her, man! I'm gonna fuckin' kill her! Then I'm gonna kill my cousin! I'm gonna go back to my house, kill that bitch, get my fuckin kittens, and kill my cousin! I want my kittens, man!
–SoHo
Overheard by: trying not to laugh
Father to kids: Which would you prefer, kitty casserole or puppy stew?
–72nd & Broadway
Suit: So one time I went into the bathroom and the cat was just like sitting on the toilet so I just unloaded on it. I told my roommate, like, "don't touch the cat" and then later I saw his girlfriend playing with it and hugging and kissing it. It was very funny.
–Downtown 6 Train
Upset-looking college student on cell: Ugh! My cat almost just died…and you're making this about your feelings?!
–Columbia Quad
Student: That's okay, I'll just eat my mom and fuck my cat.
–Pratt Institute
Overheard by: Toddlington
Student: Well, the situation in the essay is hopeless, you know? It's like finding a kitten in the subway and you want to take it with you because kittens just don't belong in the subway. But then you remember that you live in a building that doesn't allow pets and your roommate is allergic. So, your roommate is going to hate you and your landlord is going to evict you. I realize this is a bad example. I just really want a kitten.
–Eugene Lang College
Overheard by: Colleen
Guy #1: Left-handed people should all be incinerated.
Guy #2: Did you know that Gerald Ford would write left-handed when he was sitting at a desk, but…
Guy #1: That's why he died.
–Astor Place & Broadway
Overheard by: …but right-handed on a chalkboard?
Female employee: Hey! Don't spray me with fucking Windex!
Male employee: Oh, calm down.
Female employee: No! That's a death threat where I come from.
Male employee: Where do you come from?
Female employee: …Jersey.
–Ricky's, 3rd Ave
Headline by: Ogi
Runners-Up:
· “I Lost a Cousin in a Drive-by Spraying” – courtney c.
· “I Was Just Trying to Make It Easier for Me to See Right Through You” – not clear
· “Raise Your Hand If You Saw That One Coming” – engsci
· “Where Everything’s a Death Threat.” – BabakganoosH
· “Yet the Golden Shower Was Fine With Her” – nicky c
Midwestern tourist dad: Next we're going to the Empire State Building.
Six-year-old daughter: How far is it? Do we have to walk?
Midwestern tourist dad: Yes, it'll be fun.
Six-year-old daughter (in super whiny voice): Why? It's too far, I don't wanna walk!
Midwestern tourist dad: It'll be fun, we'll see the sights along the way.
Six-year-old daughter (on the verge of a tantrum): But I don't wanna!
Midwestern tourist dad (in very calm and soothing voice): Well, you can walk with us, or you can just lay down and die.
–5th Ave & 38th St
Woman: But I feel bad hitting you! You're injured!
Man: Oh, stop. I didn't die.
–Staten Island Physician Practice
Overheard by: Green Star
Girl playing extreme edition of Would You Rather:Okay: would you rather Joe with a 75% chance of a non-treatable STD or Luke with a 12% chance of pregnancy?
–R Train
Asian girl during Rent intermission: Oh wait, so they all have AIDS? Is that why they're all taking pills all the time? I didn't understand that. But you can't die from AIDS, right? I mean, if you like lived in a bubble forever, you would never die from it, right?
–Nederlander Theater
Man, emphatically: Look, you don't even have to worry about HIV, just take 200 milligrams of Vitamin C.
–89th & Broadway
Hipster girl: Me and my STDs are like Angelina Jolie's kids… Gotta get one from every country!
–Broome St
Overheard by: Kate
Hipster to friend: Thank god AIDS wasn't in Africa yet when I was there, I wouldn't have fucked anybody.
–Classroom, NYU
Young woman on cell: Yeah, I know. (pause) So you don't mind if I have herpes, right?
–71st Rd & Queens Blvd, Forest Hills, Queens
Overheard by: Tara
Stoner #1: Okay, so George Bush is our President, right?
Stoner #2: Yeah.
Stoner #1: If the Vice President dies, who's the President?
Stoner #2: Umm… George Washington.
(hysterical laughter)
Stoner #3: You bringing back niggas from the dead and shit.
Stoner #1: You just like my dad, we asked him who was the first President, he was like (imitates Asian accent) Oh, oh…okay, I know this, I know this… George Lincoln.
–Internet Cafe, Mott St.
Overheard by: Hugh
Guy in suit: They have been trying to figure why all the bees are disappearing, but they haven't performed any autopsies yet.
Other guy: Really? Well, aren't they disappearing because of cell phones?
Guy in suit: Why would they start disappearing now, then? Cell phones have been around for a while.
–50th St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: Autopsy?
Tourist exiting theater (singing): You'll beeee in my heaaaart…
NYC native, hurrying through crowd: Death!
–Richard Rodgers Theater
Overheard by: office peon
