I Always Figured on Running a Barely Lethal Voltage through the Pleasure Center of My Brain

Park bench guy #1: If you could control it, what’s your ideal death?
Park bench guy #2: Something public, definitely. I’d rig a guillotine or something and when the chopper falls my head’ll roll in front of this kid and he’ll just stare at my lifeless eyes.
Park bench guy #1: That’s some sick shit. I’d want something that I wouldn’t dread. Like, I’d just drop dead, you know? Painless would be nice, too. Think carbon monoxide is painless?
Park bench guy #2: I always figured it was like getting choked except, like, all over your body.
Passerby: It’s painless! It has to be!

–Bowling Green

Overheard by: Matt

Posted on July 21, 2007
Death, Idiots, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport

Trichinosis Is God’s Punitive Weapon of Choice

Jewish guy: I have to study a lot today.
Spanish guy: Dude, you had the whole weekend to study!
Jewish guy: I had the funeral, and I got food poisoning!
Spanish guy: I can understand the funeral, because, well… But the food poisoning is all your fault — you ate pork and you’re Jewish!

–Starbucks

Overheard by: liz

Posted on July 5, 2007
Death, Food, Jews, Judaism, Latinos, School and studying, Starbucks

Wednesday Blood-Liners

British lady: It must have eaten some rat poison, because it vomited up its innards and then had just enough strength left to crawl to the door before dying in a dainty pool of blood.

–1 train

Teacher to girl who just cut herself with Exacto knife: Would you stop leaking?! Your blood is going to stain the linoleum!

–Bronx Science engineering class

Overheard by: LSB

Suit on cell: Why isn’t it done? Why isn’t it fucking done? Was it your intention to make my ass bleed today? Was it?

–41st & Broadway

Girl: My grandma always washes my bloody underwear.

–1 train

Guy to girlfriend: Your hair tastes like fake blood.

–Mulberry St

Overheard by: Ashley

Teen chick on cell: I’m going to cut my arm tonight to show you how much I love you! Yes! I’m going to cut it off! Yes! I’m going to wipe all the blood on a napkin and give it to you. How much blood there is is how much I love you… Yes! I! Am! Well, I can’t think of another way to show you how much I love you. I have to prove it somehow! Oh, I have another call, I gotta go.

–Staten Island Ferry Terminal

Overheard by: still recovering

Hobo, taking long drink from water fountain: Ahhh, water is good! It tastes like blood!

–Port Authority

Overheard by: Oh My God

Posted on July 4, 2007
All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Ass, Blood & bleeding, Body Parts, Boyfriends, Bronx Science, Business and Commerce, Classroom, Cleanliness, Clothing, Crazies, Death, Family Ties, Foreigners, Girlfriends, Hobos, Little Italy, Love, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, On the Subway, Port Authority, School, School and studying, Science, Staten Island Ferry, Students, Suits, Teachers/Professors, Teens, The Bronx, Vomit

I’m Not Gay, but I Don’t Much Like Men

Little sis: I don’t know. I’m just really confused. Like, how am I supposed to know what I want in a guy? You know? Like, what’s your perfect guy?
Big sis: One with 6 weeks to live.
Little sis: Huh?
Big sis: Nevermind… God, that would be great, though.

–1 train platform, 23rd St

Posted on June 21, 2007
Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Death, Family Ties, Girls, Manhattan, On the Subway, Relationships, Sex & Relationships, Subway stations, platforms, etc.

Tempting, but I’m Not Gonna Risk It

Old, disgruntled customer: I wish I was young again.
Cashier: Do you believe in reincarnation? You could just kill yourself.

–Deli, Lex Ave, between 38th & 39th

Overheard by: Becki

Posted on June 18, 2007
Age/Aging, Bodegas, Cashiers, Death, Manhattan, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Old People, Religion

New Yorkers Hate Fascists, but They Tolerate Communists

Little boy spinning DVD rack: Die, ugly people! Die! Die, ugly people!
Mom: Stop that!
Little boy: Die, millionaires, die!

–Duane Reade, 7th Ave & Flatbush, Brooklyn

Posted on June 7, 2007
Beauty, Death, Duane Reade, Kids, Moms, Money & Class

Wednesday One-Liners Off the Vine

Thug: Anybody who grew up where I grew up knows there’s a million things you can do with a mothafuckin’ grape!

–23rd & 7th

Chick: Hey, plenty of people are murdered with vibrating bananas.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Ein Ladle

JAP: What happens if you actually eat a whole grapefruit?

–Whole Foods, Union Square

Overheard by: You’ll get FAT!

Suit: I’m totally unimpressed by cantaloupe as a fruit. It’s just taking the easy way out.

–Sotto Voce, Park Slope

Overheard by: Sweet Jimmy

Lady: I feel like I’m living in a banana.

–75th & Madison

Conductor: The E train to Queens — that’s E as in ‘apple’ — is running regularly.

–A train, 14th St

Teen girl to third graders: You was teachin’ ’em a banana looked like a dick!

–19th & 4th, Brooklyn

Posted on May 23, 2007
All Wednesday One-Liners, Death, Fruit, Penis, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Jay-Z Just Put Your Name on a List

Seven-year-old girl: You know what I heard today?
Nine-year-old brother: What?
Seven-year-old girl: Hip hop is dead.
Nine-year-old brother: No, it’s not…
Seven-year-old girl: Nas says it is.
Nine-year-old brother: Hip hop was never alive, beeyotch.

–Pathmark, Eastchester Rd, Bronx

Overheard by: Lukas Page

Posted on May 3, 2007
Brothers, Death, Grocery Stores, Kids, Music, Sisters

Yeah, What Are Those? Last Year’s Blahniks?

Calm mom to five-year-old: Please don’t lick your shoe.
Five-year-old: Mommy, can you wipe my mouth out?
Mommy: No, sweetie. We can’t wipe things out of our mouths. Honey, we don’t lick the bottoms of our shoes. It’s simply not the way we go about doing things. Do you understand that it’s not Mommy being mean? Look around. Do you see any other children’s mommies letting them lick their shoes? No, you don’t, because children who lick their shoes get sick and die.
Other five-year-old: I don’t lick my shoes!

–Murray & W Broadway

Posted on May 1, 2007
Advice, Body Parts, Comebacks, Compare/Contrast, Death, Health and Hygiene, Kids, Moms, Shoes, West Village

Death