Little sis: I don’t know. I’m just really confused. Like, how am I supposed to know what I want in a guy? You know? Like, what’s your perfect guy?
Big sis: One with 6 weeks to live.
Little sis: Huh?
Big sis: Nevermind… God, that would be great, though.
–1 train platform, 23rd St
Old, disgruntled customer: I wish I was young again.
Cashier: Do you believe in reincarnation? You could just kill yourself.
–Deli, Lex Ave, between 38th & 39th
Overheard by: Becki
Little boy spinning DVD rack: Die, ugly people! Die! Die, ugly people!
Mom: Stop that!
Little boy: Die, millionaires, die!
–Duane Reade, 7th Ave & Flatbush, Brooklyn
Thug: Anybody who grew up where I grew up knows there’s a million things you can do with a mothafuckin’ grape!
–23rd & 7th
Chick: Hey, plenty of people are murdered with vibrating bananas.
–Columbia University
Overheard by: Ein Ladle
JAP: What happens if you actually eat a whole grapefruit?
–Whole Foods, Union Square
Overheard by: You’ll get FAT!
Suit: I’m totally unimpressed by cantaloupe as a fruit. It’s just taking the easy way out.
–Sotto Voce, Park Slope
Overheard by: Sweet Jimmy
Lady: I feel like I’m living in a banana.
–75th & Madison
Conductor: The E train to Queens — that’s E as in ‘apple’ — is running regularly.
–A train, 14th St
Teen girl to third graders: You was teachin’ ’em a banana looked like a dick!
–19th & 4th, Brooklyn
Seven-year-old girl: You know what I heard today?
Nine-year-old brother: What?
Seven-year-old girl: Hip hop is dead.
Nine-year-old brother: No, it’s not…
Seven-year-old girl: Nas says it is.
Nine-year-old brother: Hip hop was never alive, beeyotch.
–Pathmark, Eastchester Rd, Bronx
Overheard by: Lukas Page
Calm mom to five-year-old: Please don’t lick your shoe.
Five-year-old: Mommy, can you wipe my mouth out?
Mommy: No, sweetie. We can’t wipe things out of our mouths. Honey, we don’t lick the bottoms of our shoes. It’s simply not the way we go about doing things. Do you understand that it’s not Mommy being mean? Look around. Do you see any other children’s mommies letting them lick their shoes? No, you don’t, because children who lick their shoes get sick and die.
Other five-year-old: I don’t lick my shoes!
–Murray & W Broadway
Queer checking voice mail: Apparently my great aunt just died.
Friend: Oh, I’m so sorry.
Queer: Don’t be. She was a horrid, raging bitch.
Friend: Oh, well… then… ding dong!
–Penn Station
Overheard by: Jas
Girl: If I were stranded somewhere with a dead hooker in my trunk, you’re still the person I’d call.
Guy: To this day, that’s the best compliment I’ve ever received.
–1020 Bar, 110th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Ladle
Girl: I never get into empty cars anymore. Last time I did there was a dead guy laying there, and I was stuck with that smell in my nose all day.
–Subway platform, South Ferry
Overheard by: annikee
Man to wife: What, you want to keep riding the train back and forth? I did that shit once. It was the most boring experience of my entire life!
–Grand Central
Overheard by: soixantedeux
Chick after V train passes through the station: There’s a runaway V train and people are still on it!
–C/E platform, 23rd St
Girl: Whenever I’m on the subway all I can think about is sex!
–NYU
Overheard by: ana
Announcer: There is a Bronx-bound one train approaching 34th Street.
–14th St station
Overheard by: Glad to know where the train I missed is
Mom to small child: Do you know if the trains are running express today, or will we have to take the local all the way down?
–W 93rd St
Tourist girl: Waaait… Is this the bus?
–E train, Queens
Overheard by: MegMC
Guy #1: So, I don’t mean to be morbid, but of all the ways one can die, which would you prefer? I mean, if you had a choice, how would you prefer to die?
Guy #2, matter-of-factly: Masturbating… Yeah, I’d like to go out while masturbating.
–Karavas restaurant, Christopher & 7th
