Fire

Building fire safety supervisor, over intercom: Attention! This is your fire safety supervisor. The alarm you are hearing was accidentally triggered by a delivery person on the 18th floor. Repeat, the alarm was accidentally triggered. There is no fire. I will continue to keep you alarmed throughout the day.

–5th & 57th

Overheard by: Paul Tabachneck

MTA worker over intercom: Attention ladies and gentlemen, there is no n or r train service at this station. I repeat: no n or r train service at this station. (repeats this roughly a dozen times) You hear that? No trains. Not even half a train. No. Trains.

–59th & Lexington

Overheard by: was hoping there was a chance of a train…

Female announcer, with a little attitude: Attention people standing on the uptown local platform! Why are you standing there? No trains are stopping at that platform; they're all on the express track, like that c train stopping right now.

–34th St & 8th Ave

Overheard by: going downtown, thank you

Announcer: We would like to remind all passengers that there is no smoking on MTA platforms. Especially blunts. (guy smoking blunt in station leaves)

–High Street Station

Loudspeaker: Will James please come to the courtesy desk? Your wife is lost.

–Stop 'n' Shop, Staten Island

Overheard by: Emily

5th grader to friends on stairs: So my brother burned a hole in the floor so we could spy on the neighbors.

–The Spence School

Overheard by: urbanadventurer

Hot 20-something: If another mediocre man hits on me after another mediocre meal I am going to burn the city down!

–1 Train

20-something to friend: The house burnt down, and now my dad has no eyebrows. No really, he has no eyebrows.

–Thompkin Square Park

Yuppie guy: You know, I think heartburn is the best kind of burn someone could have.

–Bleecker & Jones

Overheard by: Jas

Five-year-old boy, singing: Let the train, let the train, let the train be on fire!
(continues for a few minutes) Let China, let China, let China be on fire!

–F Train

Subway conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, this train is being held due to a…slight fire at the next station.

–C Train

Overheard by: G.

Guy: So yeah, now she says she's dating Steve.
Chick: Steve the crackhead or pyromaniac Steve?
Guy: The one who isn't in prison.
Chick: I thought you were dating him.
Guy: He found religion. Or something.

–West Village

Pissed girlfriend: You never want to do anything fun.
Exasperated boyfriend: That’s because everything you call ‘fun’ involves heroin or fire.

–Union Square

Charity worker: Help the homeless! [Androgynous person walks by] Even a pretty girl… boy… whatever-that-was can help!

–Times Square

Chick, wistfully: That was Vadim. He was from St. Petersburg. When we broke up he stole all my dresses.

–A train

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Large black security guard, inspecting guy’s Sephora bag: You da man!

–Hayden Planetarium

Pierced 20-ish chick: So, the last time I pegged a guy he wouldn’t stop jabbering on and on about how much he loved trannies. It just made me shove in the strap-on harder.

–Delancey & Orchard

Overheard by: Californian

Guy: I sirred a ma’am today. But, in my defense, she was a very sir-able ma’am.

–33rd & Broadway

Chick on cell: I don’t remember why he put the phone in the oven… I think it was to prove a point. And my mom didn’t know, so she turned the oven on and then the phone caught on fire.

–NYU trolley

Panhandler: Ladies and gentlemen, I’m not trying to get drugs. I’m not trying to buy alcohol. I’m just trying to survive. It’s a hard life out there trying to sleep, and people always trying to set you on fire.

–F train

Guy with Jamaican accent: Women be causin’ the men to be committin’ adultery. Women be causin’ the men to be lustin’ after the butt. Women need to put their butt back into their pants. Women, you need to cover your butt, or it will be covered in fire.

–4 train

Overheard by: The Cannon

NYU politics professor: … So if you want to stay warm out there, you’re free to burn the flag.

–Silver Center, NYU

Guy sprinting to JAP on cell: Ma’am! You’re on fire! [Guy grabs her Vera Bradley purse, on fire from her cigarette, and throws it savagely to the ground.] I’m sorry, but I had to do that. [JAP stares blankly at him and continues cell conversation.]

–Bobst Library, NYU

Overheard by: J-Steve

Corporate worker #1: Did you smell the gas leak this morning?
Corporate worker #2: No… Where was it? I didn’t smell anything. I wish I was there. I would have lit a match on my clothes so I wouldn’t have to quit my job.

–50th & Broadway

Overheard by: criska

Guy on cell: Yeah, I just caught Kev with a joint and I flipped out on him and took it to destroy it. Yeah, I was an idiot though. I tried to burn it.

–Bay Parkway & 86 St

Overheard by: Ben

Guy: He would be no good on a deserted island. I wouldn’t eat him. He would just be thrown in the fire.

–Union Square East

Guy: My sprinkler growing up was a fire hydrant.

–Tompkins Square

Overheard by: Lila J

Woman: Either there’s a building on fire or a whole lot of marijuana.

–3rd Ave & 10th St

Little girl: Mommy, do even tiny peppers burn your asshole on the way out?

–Taco Bell, 6th Ave

Cop to sad-faced mime: You can do anything you want, you just can’t have anything on fire.

–South Street Seaport

Overheard by: futurebird

Ghetto girl, looking at burning car: That one angry bitch.

–103rd St & CPW

Overheard by: Little Match Girl

Guy on cell: I don’t know, now she won’t sleep in the bedroom ’cause of the mobster, and she needs a ride to the Hamptons.

–7th & Ave A

Overheard by: Analt

Guy: He’ll be here in another twenty minutes. He’s sleeping in the back of a car.

–74th & 2nd

Overheard by: Wendy

Teenage girl: I know it’s so wrong, but I’m seriously lusting for luxury cars. I just want to lick them. I want to hump those leather seats!

–WTC Path station

Overheard by: Carine

Suburban boy: Oh my God, driving in the city is most fun thing in the entire world!

–Downtown R train

Overheard by: confused

Man: I had a bad night tonight. I stole a car, got two tickets. I shouldn’t-a stole that car.

–Bodega, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Flasteppi

Drunk guy on cell: If you don’t have my money by 12 tomorrow, I’m gonna get your mother’s car and your sister’s car…I still love your sister, too, but you better have my money.

–Union Turnpike-Kew Gardens E/F station

Young woman: Where did all these cars come from? New York doesn’t have cars.

–35th & 5th

Overheard by: Frank & Alex

Old lady #1: So you’re gonna pour gasoline on him, and I’m gonna light the match.
Old lady #2: Mm hmm.

–114th & 5th

Overheard by: robin b