Wednesday One-Liners Don’t Need No Water, Let the Motherfucker Burn!

Girl on cell: So yeah, I was like, ‘That is a great costume,’ and then it set her hair on fire and I was like, ‘That’s gross.’

–CVS, 42nd & 3rd

Crazy hobo: That’s right! Arrest me! I’ll burn half y’all houses down… And set the other half on fire!

–Brooklyn-bound Q train

Overheard by: Incitatus

Pseudo-intellectual: She called me and told me there was a bonfire in her ovaries.

–MacDougal Street Ale House

Overheard by: Ladle

Creepster: Come here… You don’t wanna know what I’m on right now. If you come home with me, I will light you on fire.

–Columbus Ave

Concerned NYU girl to boyfriend about California wildfires: Do you think Cher’s house burned?!

–Water St dorm, NYU

Overheard by: michael

Posted on December 24, 2014
About Celebrities, Accidents, Bars & Clubs, Body Parts, Compliments, Crazies, Crazy, Creepsters, Default, Fashion, Fire, Girls, Grocery Stores, Health and Hygiene, Hobos, Intelligentsia, NYU, On Cell, On the Subway, Questions, Students, Threats, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Words

C’mon, Baby, Light My Wednesday One-Liners

Girl to friend: You have to stop setting your brother on fire.

–Broadway

Overheard by: sandm

Student to professor: Urinating on fire? What the hell, Freud?

–Wagner College, Staten Island

Tool on cell: If burning leaves in the schoolyard is wrong, I don’t wanna be right!

–E 44th St & 2nd Ave

Blond woman: And that was the night I burned my eyebrows off!

–Union Square

Some guy: I spent all of last night searching my body for it, but I promise you if I find it, I’ll burn it.

–The Village

Older woman at art gallery, looking at the price list: That burns my ass. Sorry, but that burns my ass.

–57th St

Posted on August 20, 2014
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, College, Elementary & Middle School, Etiquette, Family Ties, Fire, Friends, Girls, Gripes, Guys, Hair, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Old People, Pee, Psychology, Questions, Sensory Experiences, Staten Island, Street, Students, The Village, Union Square and East Village, Violence, Weirdness, Women, Words

When Level-Headed Children Are Born to Drama Queens

Little black girl boarding Chinatown bus: Mama, I was on this bus before and nothing happened.
Mother, also boarding bus: Yeah, well, I was on this bus last week and it caught on fire.

–Chrystie St.

Posted on July 17, 2010
Black People, Bus, Fire, Kids, Lower East Side, Moms, On the Bus, Public Transportation

Now If You Asked Where the Meth Was…

Police officer: Where's the fire?
Cab driver: What fire? I'm not a fireman!

–JFK Airport

Posted on June 11, 2010
Airports, At the Airport, Cabbies, Cars and Driving, Cops, Fire, JFK Airport, Questions

At Least You'd Have Hot Dreams.

Teen guy #1: It's the middle of the night and your house is completely on fire. What do you do?
Teen guy #2: Uh… Sleep?

–Stuyvesant High School

Posted on June 3, 2010
Fire, Home, Sweet Home, Stuyvesant, Teens

Wednesday One-Liners, in a Nutshell.

Man in car at stoplight on cell: Yeah, so I grabbed a towel for my nuts and ran down the stairs. Yes, I covered my nuts. So I run down the stairs covering my nuts with a towel because I knew where the smoke was coming from!

–127th & Lenox

Street tough to guy in wheelchair: So you kicked him in the nuts? (shrugs) Yeah, word.

–E 2nd St & Ave C

Overheard by: Ben Couch

Crazy man: Where's Howie? Where's my favorite nut-nut?

–Hanson Place

Overheard by: JBeck

Dude on cell while riding bicycle: It's hanging off your nuts?

–Williamsburg

Mom 20-something daughter heading to Penn Station: Should we grab our nuts, at least?

–7th Ave & 34th St

Overheard by: Just don't grab my nuts

Posted on May 26, 2010
All Wednesday One-Liners, Alphabet City, Balls, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Conductors, Crazies, Fire, Guys, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Kick, Moms, On Cell, One-liners, Questions, Thugs, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wheelbos, Williamsburg

Your Editors Don't Even Want to Know.

Bodega clerk, following hobo outside: Why you runnin out my store like it's on fire? I know you!
Hobo: I know what'chu know.
Bodega clerk: I know what'chu know too, but I alto know that I know what you don't know I know.
Hobo: You ain't even be knowin what you know.

–Fulton St

Posted on May 8, 2010
Clerks, Fire, Hobos, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Weirdness

Smokey Says, “Only You Can Prevent Wednesday One-Liners!”

Guy: So I'm like, "can I get a lighter?" and she pulls out two, and one is literally a penis with the flame coming out the tip, and the other one is a guy doing one of these moves, and the guy's like a tripod. So I'm like, "can I get one in a normal color?"

–Chinatown

African American man describing Indian restaurant to friend: That'll put fire in yo' ass.

–Midtown

Man to stranger: Hey, can I borrow you lighter? I need to go melt something in the bathroom.

–Jamaica Station

Overheard by: Tim

Conductor: Once again, there is nothing on fire! We got it under control. We apologize for the smoke. Next stop is Newark airport. There is nothing on fire.

–NJ Transit

Overheard by: Where there's smoke

Posted on January 6, 2010
All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Black People, Chinatown, Colors, Conductors, Ethnic Food, Fire, Friends, Gadgets, Guys, Hard Drugs, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Offers and requests, One-liners, Passengers, Penis, Poop, Public Transportation, Strangers, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Trains Not Subway, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Those Flames Are Just a Red Herring

Man #1, watching firemen climb a ladder and enter a brownstone: What are they doing? Why are there so many of them?
Man #2: Maybe somebody got stuck in the bathtub.
Man #1: You're probably right.

–75th St & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Stephanie

Posted on July 18, 2009
Accidents, Fire, Men, Questions, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Weirdness

There's a “Hoes/Hose” Pun in Here Somewhere

Hipster #1: They thought it was the coolest thing they'd ever done.
Hipster #2: The firemen?
Hipster #1: The girls.

–Lafayette & E 4th

Overheard by: Jon A.

Posted on July 4, 2009
Fire, Hipsters, Questions, Union Square and East Village, Weirdness

Fire