You Won’t Be Laughing When the “Juicy” Diet Takes America by Storm

Drunk black woman #1: No, you gotta put cocoa butter on your legs and drink water. Water keeps your body juicy!
Drunk black woman #2: Jui-cy! Bam-bam!
Drunk black woman #1: That’s right, water keeps you juicy… [Sees young Asian woman smiling at them] Oooh, she know what I’m talkin’ about! She exotic… She an Asian girl.
Drunk black woman #2: Bam-bam!
Drunk black woman #1: Yeahhh… She know what I’m talkin’ about… Oh, shit, it’s our stop… Thank God, because I’m ’bout to squat down somewhere! [Both stagger off train.]

–1 train

Overheard by: amused

Posted on March 23, 2015
Advice, Black People, Drinking & Drunk People, Drinks, Drunks, Food, On the Subway, Pee, Race, Talking/Convos

NYC Rats Are Too Pretentious for Chain Restaurants

Sullen tourist teen: We’re in New York City and we’re going to fucking Uno’s for dinner?
Tourist mom: Please watch your language. Your father wants to go to Uno’s.
Sullen tourist teen: But we’re in New York. Why are we going somewhere we can go at home?
Tourist dad, adamantly: Because New York restaurants have rats. We’re not going to a New York restaurant!

–Museum of Natural History steps

Posted on March 23, 2015
Animals & Nature, Cleanliness, Dads, Food, Moms, Stupidity, Teens, Tourists

Mama Mia, Those Are Some Spicy Wednesday One-Liners!

Ghetto guy on cell: I been wantin’ to go to Chuck E. Cheese for mad long.

–E 8th St

Midwestern girl: I just paid a hundred and thirty bucks for a meal I could have had for twenty dollars at home. [Points at Midwestern guy #1] Fuck you, [points at Midwestern guy #2] fuck you, [points at Midwestern guy #1 again] and especially fuck you. If I wasn’t going home with a purse full of mints and toothpicks right now, I’d punch you both in the balls.

–Outside Bobby Flay’s, 46th & 2nd

Bus driver: You know, you guys, you can step up onto the back platform. You don’t need a reservation. It’s not Applebee’s.

–M60 bus to LaGuardia

Overheard by: Kevoo

Girl on cell: Why?! Why would anyone ever get something catered by Outback Steakhouse!

–W 3rd St & LaGuardia

Chick on cell: Can you eat at Dallas BBQ in a rubber shirt?

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy

Posted on March 21, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Food, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Just Rub the Big Toe

Girl #1: Your room always smells so good, like coconuts and coffee. It reminds me of the Caribbean. What kind of candles do you have?
Girl #2: That’s not from a candle. The coconut is from the foot cream I use so my feet don’t stink and the coffee smell is there because I spilled some on my carpet and never cleaned it up.
Girl #1: Oh…where can I get the foot cream, then?

–Starbucks, 17th & Broadway

Posted on March 20, 2015
Body Parts, Food, People, Starbucks, Union Square and East Village

Wednesday One-Liners Is People!

Little girl to mother: I like the way you taste.

–SoHo

Overheard by: nicky d

Dude on cell: Mice are cannibalizing other mice? Oh, god, that’s awful!

–7 train, Queens

Overheard by: Anthony

Goth chick to another: I don’t care, I am not eating Matthew’s mother’s flesh!

–Hunter College

Overheard by: Me neither

Ghetto dude: Heh, heh… Heh… Fried nigga-fingers!

–13th St & 5th Ave

Overheard by: Rebecca Odorisio

Ghetto girl to two others: He said he was gonna marinate me for a while… Yes, he did!

–Manhattan-bound E train

Overheard by: Julz

Chick on cell: We’ll never run for office on the conservative Christian ticket now that we’ve discussed eating fetuses with teriyaki sauce.

–Harlem

Posted on March 20, 2015
Food, Ghetto Chicks, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Kids, On Cell, On the Subway, Soho

Lot’s Wife Had a Different View

Guy: I’ll have a pretzel.
Vendor man: What kind?
Guy: Plain.
Vendor man: No salt?
Guy: No. With salt.
Vendor man: Salt is not plain.
Guy: Okay, with salt. Is that extra?
Vendor man: No, salt is salt. The other is plain. Like white people.

–Central Park

Overheard by: Collegiate Cutie

Posted on March 16, 2015
Central Park, Food, Manhattan, Stupidity, Vendors & Street Performers, White People

The Same Reason I Love Snow and Urine

Southern hipster #1: Man, I don't loooove ice cream…
Southern hipster #2: You must, you been talkin' about it all day.
Southern hipster #1: Yeah, like ice cream cake that you can write dirty words on!

–Williamsburg

Overheard by: Giri

Posted on March 16, 2015
Food, Hipsters, Southerners, Weirdness, Williamsburg

So at Least You Got Unlimited Salad and Breadsticks Out Of the Deal

Male NYU student #1: Like a deer caught in the headlights–he just wanted to have sex.
Male NYU student #2: I love the Olive Garden, though.

–Waverly & Greene

Posted on March 15, 2015
Animals & Nature, Compare/Contrast, Food, Frat Boys, Sex, Soho, Wishes & desires

You Mean Gay Mafia Tight?

Dude to waiter: Yeah, I'll have the scrambled eggs. Scramble 'em soft so they're a little runny, with extra crispy bacon–almost burnt–wheat bread just a little toasted. Yeah, very light. And a cut of Gruyere cheese and grapes on the side. Yo, you still got those crumpets? Those flaky crumpets? Cool, I'll have 'em with peppermint tea with a wedge of lemon and cane sugar. Alright? Thanks.
Girlfriend, eying him warily: Babe, your brunch game is tight. Like, suspiciously tight…

–The Farm on Adderley, Brooklyn

Posted on March 13, 2015
Baristas, Brooklyn, Couples, Customers, Food, Relationships, Restaurants & Cafes

Wednesday One-Liners Heart Meerkats

Pretty 20-something girl: I might reconsider if there is a horse involved.

–Manhattan Beach

Overheard by: The Tutors

Girl to friend: Look at sociology. Look at the animals. That totally explains it. It is just like the animals, sociology explains everything.

–West 4th & Washington Square Park

Overheard by: Darci

Woman to man: Because I'd really like to understand what makes a good toreador and what makes a bad toreador.

–70th St & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: Lisa B.

Girl who was just handed an anti-bird-porn flyer: I have never even seen birds mating. Now I am intrigued.

–Hair Rush Line Central Park

Overheard by: Krysta

Pet store clerk to customer: I don't know what flavor it is. It's turtle food. It's what they eat.

–Flushing Petland Discount

Park janitor to pigeons: I need all's you guys to be flappin' yo' wings and help me be cleanin' up these leaves. (pigeons coo, janitor starts cooing with them)

–Clinton & Congress, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Was a good impression

Posted on March 12, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Birds, Brooklyn, Central Park, Cleanliness, Clerks, Compare/Contrast, Coworkers, Food, Girls, Offers and requests, Queens, Science, Sexuality, Upper East Side, Washington Square Park, Weirdness, Women

Food