Grocery Stores

Wednesday One-Liners Are Simply Scrotacular

Tourist mom with mullet, trying to take a picture of cute five-year old boy: Stand by the testicles, honey. Stand by the balls!

–Wall Street Bull

Overheard by: oh tourists

Suit to street vendor: You spend the money and get blue balls…

–Astor Place

Overheard by: Colin

Guy on cell: Fucking shit! What the fuck? This fucking shit is fucking messed up! (pause) Whatever, mommy… just get me a large, it'll give me more room for my balls.

–97th St & Madison Ave

Big guy in chair on sidewalk to friend: So, I ate a pair of balls last night. Lamb balls. Hot and spicy.

–Heath St & 231st St

Overheard by: Km

Ghetto man to Dunkin' Donuts cashier: Yo, how much is da balls?

–W 148th & Broadway

But Those Are the Only Presidents We’ve Had Who Were Related, Right?

Man looks down at Time magazine with Theodore Roosevelt on the cover.

Man: Wait. We had two President Roosevelts? When did that happen?
Supervisor: Yeah. There was, um, [looks at cover] Teddy, and, uh, shit. What was the other one named?
Man: I don’t know. Shit, man, history’s hard because, you know, there’s just so much of it. It’s, like, impossible to really understand it, I think.
Supervisor: Yeah, that’s true.

–K-Mart, 9th St & 4th Ave

Overheard by: appalled customer buying swim trunks

And How Much 20th Century Design Do You Need?

Guy #1: Then, when I get all the money, I’m gonna buy [unintelligible].
Guy #2: What? Buy what?
Guy #1: [Mumbles.]Guy #2: Man, you can’t get that here! You gotta go to Sotheby’s to buy that!

–Outside Food Emporium, 83rd & 3rd

Similes Gone Wild

Girl, trying to move through crowd: I always think of trying to get through crowds like being blood in a vein with clots in it.
Guy: Yeah. We need to get some Coumadin up in this joint!

–Farmers Market, Union Square

Overheard by: threadseven

We Do Have Some Synonyms in Stock…

Old Coot: String beans.
Employee: How about green beans?
Old Coot: No, string beans!
Employee: I don’t see them!
Old Coot: You’ll find it.
Employee: You have to get string beans, you can’t get regular beans?

–Waldbaum’s, Bensonhurst

Thankfully There’s Only 2 From Each State

Man #1: They’re just a bunch of high-class lowlifes.
Man #2: Yeah, and I’m one of them!

–D’Agastino’s, 26th St.

Overheard by: Megan Buckley

Let’s Put The Rum Back in Rum Cake

Chick: Remember when I got drunk off that cake?…Kate was there, too, but she has better tolerance and I was skinnier then, too.

–Magnolia Bakery, Bleecker Street

Overheard by: alice ayers

The Wizened and Wise Diet

The cashier scans an old lady’s ricotta cheese.

Cashier: Why didn’t you get the bigger one?
Old Lady: ‘Cause I’ll eat it all! This way I have a limit.

–Waldbaum’s, Bensonhurst

Wednesday One-Liners Eat at Friendly's

Mother to four-year-old making loud, weird noises in stroller: Will you shut up? See… That's why you don't have any friends.

–Supermarket, Astoria, Queens

Overheard by: George O.

Woman on cell: She put my friendship on the line for a Chanel bag! (pause) So I guess I'm worth like, $600 dollars.

–Starbucks, Astor Place

Overheard by: Kade

Angry woman to man: You had to fuck my friend?! You couldn't think of a better place to put your dick?

–Elevator, 75 Wall St

Overheard by: Jonathan

Seated guy to standing woman: I was out drinking with a friend. Well, less of a friend and more my parole officer…

–L Train

Overheard by: Bradburnside

Suit to woman: I don't believe in friends, ya know?

–22nd & 6th

Overheard by: Edyna

Are You Hitting on Me, Sir?

Guy: Do you have any Irish Spring soap?
Cashier: No, I don't know what that is.
Guy: Irish Spring soap! To wash your balls with! Don't you wash your balls?

–Grocery, Flatbush Ave

Overheard by: Diana

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