Wednesday Catches a Bad Case of One-Liners

Crazy man: Now, you probably don’t know this, but most of y’all have diabetes.

–1 train

Overheard by: bildita

Tall, skinny suit to lady suit: … What’s your sick policy? I was like, ‘Stay the fuck away from me, and don’t get me sick — that’s our sick policy!’

–13th & University

Overheard by: Dave D

Chick: I’da killed him if it wasn’t for that damn leukemia.

–9th & Smith St station

Dude: Can you get carpel tunnel of the butt?

–17th & 6th

Girl on cell: I’m like a virus. I never go away. I go away for a little bit, and you think you’re clear, and then I come back and take over your body.

–33rd & 30th, Astoria

Overheard by: brigid

Posted on January 19, 2015
Ass, Astoria, Cancer, Compare/Contrast, Crazy, Default, Girls, Guys, Health and Hygiene, Jobs & Careers, On Cell, On the Subway, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Suits, The Village, West Village, Women

The Truth Is Too Boring to Tell

Lady in SUV shouting out window: What’s everyone standing in line for?
Hipster guy in line: Free Kittens!
Lady in SUV: What?
Hipster guy: Rolling Stones!
Lady in SUV: Oh.

–Art exhibition, Spring St

Overheard by: namatovu

Posted on January 18, 2015
Guys, Hipsters, Lower East Side, Questions, Strangers, Weirdness, Women

Sometimes, Wednesday One-Liners Are Tough to Swallow

Girl on cell: Five hours later, I was still pulling cum out of my hair!

–13th St

Overheard by: questioning the physics

Drunk girl to drunk guy: I would love to be 5'8", I mean…it's like not tall…but like not short. (four minutes later, screaming) Yeah…like…too much thought is like…bad for you! (later) They should've jerked you off in your sock!

–84th & Amsterdam Ave

One of four middle aged men on a bench: Well, the key is to never swallow the cum, spit the cum out.

–Central Park

Overheard by: Dan

High voiced hobo to teenager: I want you to cum on my face.

–72nd St & Broadway

20-something girl on cell: Oh, you can't carry the microscope with you? Well, if you come here we'll have to forgo the sperm. If I come to visit you, then we can work it into the schedule.

–Ess-A-Bagel

Overheard by: Emma

NYU dude: How do you get cock-blocked while you're jizzing?!

–St. Mark's Place & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: IWasWonderingThatToo

Student, slamming reproductive biology book shut: Sperm! It's everywhere!

–Bobst Library

Overheard by: ttny

Posted on January 18, 2015
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Books & Writing, Central Park, Cum, Drunks, Frat Boys, Girls, Guys, Hair, Height, Hobos, Library, Men, On Cell, One-liners, Penis, Physical appearance, Questions, Science, Sensory Experiences, Street, Students, Teens, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

You Can’t Stamp It Out by Stamping Your Little Foot

Guy #1: Why are there so many homosexual Republicans? You hear about that eBay thing?
Guy #2: Ummm… No.
Guy #1: Yeah, that Mark Foley guy put his massage table up for bid, so I sent a message asking, ‘If I win, will I catch the gay?’
Guy #2: Well, did he respond?
Guy #1: He said yeah!

–Bathroom, Vig 27

Posted on January 18, 2015
Guys, Restaurants & Cafes, Rumor Has It, Sexuality

Think Tim Curry Still Works at the Plaza Hotel?

Tourist dude: I would really like to go see Kevin’s uncle’s house.
Girl: Who?
Dude: You know, Kevin from “Home Alone 2”, I am sure the house is all renovated now.

–Columbus Circle

Overheard by: jlovely

Posted on January 18, 2015
Default, Girls, Guys, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Movies, Questions, Stupidity, Tourism, Tourists, Wishes & desires

Candice Is the Store's Dirty-Old-Man Monitor

Random old dude #1: You shoulda seen how this girl was lookin at me.
Random old dude #2: Oh, yeah?
Random old dude #1: Yeah… I swear, she was standing in the literature section. Hell, the only thing she knows about Dickens is the first four letters of his last name, as in “She needs some dick!”
Enthusiastic shop girl: Hi, are you doing okay here?
Random old dude #1, embarrassed: Uhhh…sorry.

–St. Mark's Bookstore, Stuyvesant St & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: manishm

Posted on January 18, 2015
Apologies, Books & Writing, Girls, Guys, Names, Old People, Penis, Store, Union Square and East Village, Weirdness, Words

Oregon Trail Should Come with a Warning Label

Guy #1: You’re useless…you keep getting dysentery.
Guy #2: Maybe you’re just a lousy trail leader.
Girl: At least he doesn’t drown every time we cross a river.
Guy #1: Hey, you caulk the wagon, you take some chances.

–79th Street 1 station