Wednesday One-Liners Should Not Be Taken If You Are Pregnant or Nursing

Kid to friend: Is your dad in town? I need Ambien CR.

–Saatchi & Saatchi, Hudson St

Overheard by: dlr

Guy on cell: No, they never came. [Pause.] I just never got them! [Pause.] I told you you can’t just send random pills through the mail!

–Strawberry Fields, Central Park

Strung out middle-aged lesbian: How long does that detox stuff take to work? I need to be clean of the Xanax by my doctor’s appointment next week. He knows I’m on meth, but he can’t find out I’m on Xanax.

–E Train

Worried suit: …But I can’t be on Zoloft, so I don’t know what to do.

–E 14th St

Patient to friend: He asked for an Ensure. He got an Ambien instead.

–NYS Psychiatric Institute

Overheard by: nonrandomerror

Suit: Her meds worked better this audition season -you could tell.

–Oriental Garden

Posted on September 20, 2022
All Wednesday One-Liners, Central Park, Compare/Contrast, Drugs, Family Ties, Friends, Guys, Hospitals, Kids, Lesbians, Medicine, On Cell, On the Subway, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Store, Suits, Union Square and East Village, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Washington Heights and Inwood, Wishes & desires

Wednesday One-Liners Happen

Dude on cell: If he wrote a fucking haiku I would shit myself!

–50th b/w 8th & 9th

Hip dude: I was like: "Your voice is drowning me in a wave of bullshit."

–W 4th

Customer to associate: Where can I pay for this shit?

–Apple Store, 5th Ave

Suit on cell: No, I have IBS. IBS! Ya know, Irritable Bowel Syndrome. I’ll shit when I gotta shit, and that’s the way this is gonna go!

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Quippy Pasqual

am New York paper guy: Get your free am New York! They’re free because their employees get paid shit!

–53rd & 7th Ave

Posted on September 15, 2022
9 to 5-ers, All Wednesday One-Liners, Books & Writing, Customers, Flyer people, Free stuff!, Guys, Illness, Jobs & Careers, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Money & Class, Offers and requests, On Cell, Penn Station, Poop, Questions, Shopping, Store, Suits, The Village

People Here Are Way Too Busy Being Hip

Drunk guy #1, to buddies: Hey, fuckheads! It's this way!
Drunk guy #2: Man, we totally almost just died.
Drunk guy #1: Dude, no one is gonna to kill you here. We're in the East Village.

–St. Mark's Place

Overheard by: JD

Posted on September 13, 2022
Death, Drunks, Guys, Murder, Nicknames & name calling, Union Square and East Village

Swedish Fishiness

Guy behind line of girls into the women's bathroom: Whoa!
Girl: Hey! You can't come in here!
Guy: It's okay, I'm Swedish–I'm practically gay.

–Madison Square Garden

Posted on September 6, 2022
Default, Gays and Lesbians, Gender issues, Girls, Global Geography, Guys, Madison Square Garden

Educated Wednesday One-liners

Man: I’m, like, the MacGyver of orthoscopic surgery.

–David Copperfield’s, York Avenue

Girl: I don’t know what would have happened to me if I hadn’t gone back to school. I’d probably be dead or in jail or pregnant and living in Brooklyn or something.

–F train

Overheard by: Heather

Goth guy on cell: You can’t divide by infinity! Infinity is a concept, not a number! How many times do I have to tell you that?

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Lesley Brooke

Fat lady: I was Rubenesque before I was fat.

–Metropolitan Museum of Art

Overheard by: Dawn

Posted on September 6, 2022
All Wednesday One-Liners, Education, Girls, Guys, Manhattan, Men

Translation: Beating Off to Maureen Dowd

Guy #1: What are you gonna do today?
Guy #2: Hang out, catch up on the Monday Times.
Guy #1: You mean the Sunday Times?
Guy #2: No. The Monday Times.
Guy #1: Oh. Okay, man.

–Brooklyn Heights

Overheard by: pb dot c

Posted on August 31, 2022
Books & Writing, Brooklyn, Guys, Masturbation

Wouldn't That Be Statuary Rape?

Guy, looking at Greek marble sculptures: Hey, did you ever notice that a lot of these guys are missing their penises?
Girl: I think that has to do with early Christian sanctions on pagan idols.
Guy: Oh. (pauses) I thought someone out there just had a really big dildo collection.

–The Met