Health and Hygiene

Wednesday One-Liners Seek Asylum

Chick on cell: God, is she crazy? Even I wouldn’t do that, and I’m a total slut.

–39th St & 3rd Ave

NYU girl on cell: Yeah, she really is a crazy bitch. At least I’m getting a book out of it, though. I’m going to call it Next Year I’ll Be in a New Room, But You’ll Still Be Fucking Nuts.

–Washington Square Park

Conductor: Someone has lost a bag of marbles in the cafe car. I repeat, we have a bag of marbles found in the cafe car. Has anyone lost their marbles?

–Amtrak, Penn Station

Communications & media studies professor: I don’t mean to pontificate, but this is the last day of class and I have some important advice for you — never sleep with anyone who is crazier than you are. It can get you in a lot of trouble.

–Fordham University

Overheard by: Switching Departments

10-year-old boy waiting for mom: Hooray, hooray, I’m insane, I’m insane, okay!

–Outside Met Food, Cortelyou Rd & E 16th St, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Leela

More Americans Get Their Delusions from ABC News Than from any Other Source

Woman: I used to be delusional.
Friend: What was happening, were you medicated?
Woman: Oh yes, I had to be severely medicated. I thought I was going to marry Peter Jennings.
Friend: Was it hard for you when he died?
Woman: Actually, I was selfishly happy because I didn’t have to worry about having delusions about him anymore.

–W 105th St & Amsterdam Ave

And Who Are You?

College student #1, with Brooklyn meets Boston mystery accent: My uncle is a doctor. Well, he's like a doctor. I mean he works in a hospital, but you know, once you work in a hospital for 15 years you might as well be a doctor cause you know it all by then, anyway. Well, he says that food comas are real. Yeah, you know, it's like the cyanide in the turkey or something.
College student #2: I have no idea what you are talking about.

–LIRR

Overheard by: Dara

Wednesday Accidentally Leaves a Sponge in the One-Liner

Woman: I told him I wasn't opposed to dinner just because he's had a vasectomy.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Meister

Preppy guy: They took cartilage out of his ear and put it in my nose.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Ladle

UES woman: I'm going to get my nails done, then get a colonoscopy in Queens.

–89th and Park

Overheard by: AeC and jRw

Woman on phone: Well, of course I got it removed
*(pause)
Woman: It hurt like hell.

–Elevator in the Hudson Hotel

Guy on phone, Nnoz done: Hts okay – it's just routine anal surgery!

–Astor Place

Overheard by: Tam

Now I Just Work There Part-Time As a Supplier

Dude: Hey! Good to see you… What are you doing here? I thought you were at Beth Israel?
Waitress on smoke break: Yeah, I was in the OR until they caught me in the janitor’s closet doing coke.

–St Mark’s Pl & Ave A

Overheard by: Vegas

Stupid Leprosy

Little girl: Mommy, what are you doing?
Mother: Rubbing my eyes — they itch. What are you doing?
Little girl: I’m buttoning my finger.

–University Pl & 11th St

Overheard by: Pat Nich

Cigarettes & Alcohol Fuel Wednesday One-liners

Girl: Yeah, they totally weren’t always addictive. Like, they started putting drugs into cigarettes to make them addictive. Nicotine wasn’t even addictive a long time ago, it’s only recently they have made it that way by putting stuff into it.

–1 train

Overheard by: Nathan B

One to Spare

Man: Yeah, he broke his leg.
Woman: Oh, really? That’s too bad.
Man: Oh, it’s okay though, he broke both of them.

–Central Park

Overheard by: Christopher Benton

If Everybody You Meet Is a Wednesday One-Liner, Check the Mirror

Guy to friend: Yeah, Eric's an asshole, but he's like… my asshole.

–11th & Broadway

Overheard by: Z

Man on cell: I enjoy sucking the wind out of assholes.

–Brooklyn Public House

Overheard by: In fairness, the conversation was about verbal bullies

Girl: Wow, my asshole has just been all sorts of evil all day, I shat in four different bathrooms on this floor and the one up, so I wouldn't suffer alone. I shared its wrath. Is that wrong?

–Office, Midtown

Loud dude: My asshole is really fucking itchy!

–Bronx High School of Science

Overheard by: urbanadventurer

Crazy hobo: Attention everyone! You're all assholes! Stupid assholes!!

–Park Row, near Brooklyn Bridge

Overheard by: Hollister

Wednesday One-Liners Talk Shit

Woman to friend: I have a theory: they just throw the horseshit over the wall.

–Central Park South

Overheard by: marijke

Jewish guy: You need to come down here at some point and feel how amazing this chair is. It gives great lumbar support. You will be jealous and then you will poop from jealousy… But you better not poop on my chair.

–Bleecker & Mercer

Woman on cell: Honey, but they were pooping all over the deck and hitting each other with shovels!

–West Village

NYU student to mother: You can't really get a good dinner in this town for under ten dollars…well, you can…but you'll just poop it out later.

–4th St & 2nd Ave

(mother notices toddler's soiled diaper, says something to him, and bends down to pick him up)
Toddler (in small, adorable voice): Waaaaiit, can I walk, so my poop doesn't get squashed?

–Bedford & 5th

20-something guy to friend: You need feces? I can provide!

–Broadway & 12th

Overheard by: elijah

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