Wednesday One-Liners in the Hobosphere

Hobo: Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Edwin, but you can call me ‘Homeless Ed’… Or just ‘Homeless’ for short.

–A train

Hobo: Hey, y’all! I ain’t gonna lie to you — I am homeless, and I just want a piece of ass, some drugs, and a 40. Ten bucks for a piece of ass? Someone gonna give me some money for some crack cocaine?

–Line outside Roseland Ballroom, 52nd & Broadway

Hobo to horse leading carriage: Dude, you rock! [Gives horse a peace sign.]

–56th & 10th

Overheard by: PetRunner

Crazy hobo: Well, jumping Jehoshaphats! Some homeless person has abandoned his station! I will assume his identity and no one will ever know that I’m rich!

–3rd Ave, between 34th & 35th St

Overheard by: His secret’s safe with me

Toothless hobo on stoop: Excuse me, sir, could you write me a check for five cents and I’ll pay you back on Tuesday?

–7th & 2nd

Posted on October 9, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, Hobos, Homeless, Panhandling, Wednesday One-Liners

Kids These Days Are Bred to Be Competitive

Bag lady: Spare some food…I'm hungry. Anything, even some water.
Seven-year-old girl to mother, after bag lady leaves: She's hungry. Why's she hungry? I'm hungry too!

–E Train

Overheard by: nk

Posted on September 17, 2014
Bag ladies, Food, Homeless, Kids, Moms, On the Subway, Questions, Should've Used a Condom

Sorry, but My Heart Belongs to an HIV-Positive Junkie Musician

Drunk hobo to punk chick: Hey, where you goin sexy?
Punk chick: Fuck off.
Drunk hobo: I'm gonna fuckin marry you, you just watch, I'm gonna fuckin marry you!

–St Mark's & 2nd Ave

Posted on September 14, 2014
Drunks, Girls, Hobos, Homeless, Insults, Marriage, Punks, Union Square and East Village

Student Loans? I Hear Ya, Pal.

Young teenage boy to friend: Man, I fuckin' hate this job. I'd make more money bein' a drug dealer or somethin'.
Hobo: I used to think the same way as you.
Young teenage boy's friend: So you became a drug dealer and ruined your life?
Hobo: No, I fuckin' went to college and ruined my life.

–1 Train

Posted on September 12, 2014
Drugs, Friends, Gripes, Hobos, Homeless, Jobs & Careers, Money & Class, On the Subway, Questions, School and studying, Teens

Wednesday One-Liners Smell Bacon

Cop on megaphone: Hand over your license and your registration. Now everyone in the Heights knows what I am waiting for.

–138th St & Amsterdam Ave.

Overheard by: tony l.

Hobo: I’m just black. I’m not a criminal.

–Outside MSG

Overheard by: Barry P.

Female cop, screaming out the window of her police car: Stop yelling on the street!

–Greenwich Ave & W 13th St

Overheard by: Pierce

White teen boy: You see, you can only mess with white people and Asian people because the worst thing they’ll do is call the cops. Anybody else–no one will ever hear from you again.

–1 train, southbound

Overheard by: Stephanie Shestakow

Hobo: Stand clear of the closing doors. You cannot block the doors. Keep your belongings with you at all times. If you see a suspicious package or activity, tell a police officer or MTA employee or me. My wife died and I want you to know that I’m single. I may not have any money, but I got plenty of honey. I want all the ladies to know that I’m single. Not the men, though. I’m not gay. I’m a lesbian. I like women.

–Downtown 5 train

Cop car, driving in bike lane, on loudspeaker: Move right. Move right! Your other right, idiot!

–8th Ave & 28th St

Overheard by: Rich Mintz

Thug: I hate white people. They’re always talking to the cops.

–1st Ave & 89thSt

Posted on September 1, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, Cars and Driving, Compare/Contrast, Cops, Crime and Punishment, Gripes, Homeless, Race, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary, Weirdness

It's a Sad World Where Creepy Men Can't Talk to Children

Creepy hobo: Oh, you got some ice water, that looks good.
Preschool girl who has just pulled out water bottle: (gives him look)
Preschool teacher: Jasmine, put your water away!
Creepy hobo: She just wants some ice water.
Preschool teacher: Jasmine, do you know that man? Are you talking to him?
Preschool girl: No, he was talkin' to me!
Creepy hobo: We was just talkin' about ice water, nothin' wrong with that.

–N Train

Overheard by: Natalie

Posted on August 31, 2014
Creepsters, Drinks, Education, Hobos, Homeless, Kids, On the Subway, Students, Teachers/Professors

When Managers Become Homeless

Bum: Will you watch my table and make sure no one uses it. Or if they do, then charge them $5.
Girl: No. Sorry, I’m leaving.
Bum: Ok then, will you give me a hug? I’ve had a bad day, I need a hug.
Girl: Um… Sorry, no.
Bum: Well, I need a hug, and you are supposed to do your civic duty!

–Union Square

Posted on August 30, 2014
Default, Girls, Homeless, Hugs, Money & Class, Offers and requests, Questions, Street, Union Square and East Village, Wishes & desires

Jesus Plays the Race Card

Black guy: Here, this is for you, man, ’cause you look like Jesus.
Homeless guy: I thought Jesus was black!
Black guy, coming back: For that, my man, you get a dollar.

–55th & Broadway

Overheard by: Tony Jones

Posted on August 25, 2014
Black People, Homeless, Jesus

And on Your Left— Wednesday One-Liners!

Kid to another: And then, when you're 45, we can be tour guides.

–West Village

Overheard by: of bugle be uncouth

Tour guide: This tour will be in English, we have tour pamphlets in several other languages. If you are a non English speaking passenger, this announcement is of no use to you.

–Circle Line Harbor Lights Cruise

Overheard by: Trixie

Overexcited bespectacled tour guide leader to group of uninterested parents: So! That's the great thing, you know, about this school, is that it's not just you. It's the city, and the students, and the people, and the tourists, and… (starts to run out of things to say) the homeless people, and the squirrels… and pigeons! So, you see, it's not ever just you!

–Bobst Library, NYU

Tour guide on bus: Now over here we have Trump Towers. Donald is not in the building today, as he is out of country awaiting the birth of his next wife.

–Trump Towers

Posted on August 20, 2014
About Celebrities, Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Birds, Bus, Clerks, Cruise Ship, Directions, Homeless, Jobs & Careers, Kids, Language Barrier, Library, Marriage, NYU, On the Bus, One-liners, Parents, Passengers, Pregnancy & Birth Control, School and studying, Tourism, Tourists, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, West Village