Wednesday One-Liners Have the City's Shittiest Job

Comedy club promoter: Comedy club, comedy club. Laugh until you get violent diarrhea!

–Times Square

Overheard by: Patrick

Comedy promoter to girl walking by: Hey, you like comedy? (girl ignores him) Yeah, you the strong, silent type… I like that in a woman.

–48th & Broadway

Overheard by: MsPrint

Comedy show ticket salesman on sidewalk: Comedy show! Free vibrators! New batteries!

–Times Square

Guy promoting comedy club to couple holding hands: Hey, what are you two doing tonight? …besides each other?

–Times Square

Comedy promoter: Want to see a comedy show? We've got free marijuana downstairs.

–W 43rd St & 9th Ave

Overheard by: Daniel

Posted on November 20, 2017
All Wednesday One-Liners, Couples, Dildos and Vibrators, Free stuff!, Girls, Health and Hygiene, Laughter, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Offers and requests, One-liners, Pick-up Lines, Questions, Sex, Strangers, Street, Theater & Dance, Times Square, Vendors & Street Performers, Wednesday One-Liners, Weed, Wishes & desires

I'm Wearing a Police Uniform, Sir.

Thug: Good afternoon, kind public. Y'all want some stolen shit? I got that.
(passing girl laughs)
Friend of thug: Don't laugh at that, that shit ain't funny.
Girl: Oh, but it so is.
Thug: Hey, little lady, may I interest you in some fine ass stolen shit?

–33rd & 8th

Posted on November 8, 2017
Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Friends, Girls, Laughter, Offers and requests, Thievery, Thugs, Vendors & Street Performers

Watching Organic and Inorganic Chemists Dance-Fight Like the Sharks and the Jets

Professor, rolling up a blackboard to reveal a second blackboard that is covered in general chemistry: Oh god! Oh god…get it off! Ew!
(class laughs)
Professor: No, not the ideal gas law! We don't need that, we're organic chemists! There is no such thing as gas! No such thing as gas!
Student #1: Organic chemists are very sensitive.
Student #2: This is kind of tragic.

–Organic Chem Class, Barnard

Overheard by: Vicksburg

Posted on July 26, 2017
Classroom, Columbia (& Barnard), Laughter, School and studying, Science, Students, Teachers/Professors, Weirdness

I Always Preferred Bin Laden Barbie

Older lady #1: He's a very nice guy. He looks like a terrorist, but he's so sweet.
Older lady #2, laughing: Really? Well, that's good.
Older lady #1: Yeah. He's so smart! Really bright, and really good at making you feel comfortable. I was so glad to have him helping us. But he definitely–if you look at him–he's like teddy Taliban.

–Waiting Room, NYU Hospital

Overheard by: Hector Hamas?

Posted on April 28, 2016
Compare/Contrast, Laughter, NYU, Old People, Physical appearance, Terrorism, Women

It's Like She Doesn't Think It's Our Business!

Waitress with thick accent: Jennifer Lopez, she pregnant again?
Hostess with equally thick accent: Yes, think so.
Waitress: She never tell anyone!
Hostess: I know, she keeps secret.
Waitress: She go on the talk show. They ask her all the questions. “Are you going to have a baby?” All she do is laugh. She just laugh! She never says anything! She never answers!

–Lindy's Resteraunt

Overheard by: Chloefron

Posted on February 1, 2016
About Celebrities, Coworkers, Default, Laughter, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Waitresses

And No One Got the “Norwegian” Joke

20-something guy, holding long wooden board: Hey, can you spare some change for me and my wood to get a hooker?
Blonde party girl passing by, rubbing wood in sexual way: Oh, I like your wood…
20-something guy: Oh, thank you. (to girl sitting next to him) You'd think someone would give me money just for making them laugh, but no.

–St. Mark's b/w 2nd & 3rd

Overheard by: TR

Posted on December 17, 2015
Bimbettes, Girls, Guys, Laughter, Money & Class, Panhandling, Prostitution, Union Square and East Village

Wednesdays Make You Want to Have One-Liners of Your Own

Little white boy to frustrated black nanny who is trying to hail a cab: My daddy always gets a taxi!

–Houston & Broadway

Overheard by: Dan

Little boy: This place is like a dead zoo.

–American Museum of Natural History

Four-year-old boy: Yo, this sofa is mad comfy!

–Used Furniture Store, Staten Island

Four-year-old boy: That’s enough, I’m calling Interpol!

–A Train

Overheard by: Swarles

Little girl to mom after terrible Skyride attraction: Mommy, can we never do this again?
(random guy behind her starts laughing) Stop it! Stop laughing at me!

–Empire State Building

Overheard by: Claire

Eight-year-old boy: This museum is inappropriate.

–The Metropolitan Museum of Art, Greek & Roman Sculpture Wing

Overheard by: Taylor

Posted on November 21, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Boys, Cars and Driving, Compare/Contrast, Cops, Death, Empire State Building, Glad the Condom Broke, Kids, Laughter, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Museum of Natural History, Offers and requests, On the Subway, Parents, Soho, Staten Island, Store, The Met, Upper East Side, White People

In Wednesday One-Liners We Trust

Hipster chick: Popping a blister is like smacking god in the face!

–Fordham University, Lincoln Center

Overheard by: Alice

Homeless man on train begging for money by telling jokes: A black man and a white man go into a bar. They get into a fight with each other. And then they die. And then they go to heaven and god says to them: "What it is… what it is!"

–1 Train

Overheard by: Kristin

Girl to friend: I’m gonna have to get ghetto on god!

–61st & Broadway

Overheard by: lizzerd

Homeless man says to homeless woman: Now, these people are trying to hoodwink god!

–Seventh Ave & Lincoln Place, Park Slope

Overheard by: Annie

Professor to students: God is not a drug dealer!

–Fordham University

Posted on September 1, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Compare/Contrast, Drugs, Fordham, Friends, Girls, God, Hipsters, Homeless, Jobs & Careers, Laughter, Men, On the Subway, Park Slope, Race, Religion, Teachers/Professors, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center

More Like the Martha Stewart, but Why Quibble?

Guy #1: I want to finish on a girl's face one time man, that would be sic!
Guy #2: Amy told me I could do it to her once.
Guy #1: Are you serious!?? I never thought Amy was that hot, but fuck, she just moved up in my books. Was it good?
Guy #2: I couldn't do it. I would do it to a random chick, but not my girlfriend. Every time I kissed her I would only ever think, her face was decorated with my cum.
Guy #1, laughing: Decorated! You sound like the Santa Claus of porn.

–Lower East Side

Posted on August 24, 2015
Body Parts, Compare/Contrast, Cum, Guys, K-I-S-S-I-N-G, Laughter, Lower East Side, Porn, Questions, Wishes & desires

Perhaps We Could Discuss Free Coffee…Wesley

Coffee vendor: That iced coffee will be eight dollars, and the straw will cost you fifty cents extra, ha ha.
Cashier: Man, Joe, that coffee's expensive!
Coffee vendor: Why'd you gotta say my name, man? What if my baby mama came up in here looking for child support and youse be sayin' my name?!

–Westside Market

Posted on July 31, 2015
Cashiers, Coffee, Laughter, Money & Class, Names, Questions, Store, Vendors & Street Performers, Weirdness

Laughter