Manhattan

Wednesday One-Liners Have Their Own Kneepads

Grey-haired middle-aged man on cell: 40 grand for a suck. No… 40 grand, and I’ll suck your dick.

–Fashion District

Man on cell: What about the licking? Did you practice licking? I can’t teach you anything if you don’t practice. You have to practice the licking if you want to do it right.

–78th St & 37th Ave

Overheard by: Jillian

Homeless woman: Everyone on this train eats pussy! Guys, girls, all ya’ll!

–2 train

Overheard by: Macaire

Ghetto dude: Do you see that building? Do you see that building? That’s NYU. It took me 26 years to get my degree there. And what am I doing? Still sucking white dick.

–Bleecker & Mercer

Overheard by: Jay

Guy on cell: Yeah, man, this chick just gave me a blowjob. She was like, ‘Are you on Restless?’ And I was like, ‘Yeah,’ and then she dropped to her knees!

–2nd & 2nd

Overheard by: wishing i did soaps

Suit on cell: On one hand, you’re married, and I don’t need that kind of drama. On the other hand, you do owe me a blowjob.

–Wall St, 2-3 stop atrium

Overheard by: did he get a receipt?

Meet Refried Jean

Girl #1: I looove Mexican food.
Girl #2: Me, too… just not people ordering it while they’re having sex with me.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Ladle

Fucking Lightweight

Chick #1: Are you feeling better? You looked really sick last night.
Chick #2: Yeah, I felt like I got hit by a Tonka truck.
Chick #1: A Tonka truck?
Chick #2: Well, you know, I always exaggerate.
Chick #1, laughing: A Tonka truck is a toy. I think you mean a mack truck.
Chick #2: … No wonder people look at me weird when I say that.

–Ten’s World Class Cabaret

This week’s Headline Contest

This week’s Headline Contest: Here

Pimp: The New Game from Electronic Arts

Dude #1: You have to make a decision — between the girls you want to fuck, the girls you want to kill, and the girls you want to marry.
Dude #2: Yeah…

–East Houston

Wednesday One-Liners Are as Dumb as They Look

Prep chick: Is it amoebas that come from Mexico? Or am I thinking of armadillos?

–5th Ave

Overheard by: Francesca

White teen girl: So, is there a Friday next week?

–4 train

Overheard by: Gregorio

Girlfriend: If your friends told you to jump down a bridge, would you do it?

–D train, Grand Concourse

Suit to black gangster holding large chameleon: Excuse me, sir. What species of dinosaur is that?

–Manhattan-bound F train

Overheard by: Josh

Teen: So how much would the game cost if it was $17.99?

–Game Stop, Forest Hills

Future zoologist: They have sea lions here! They’re like lions — from the sea!

–Central Park Zoo

Overheard by: Andrew K.

Least Effective Rating System Ever

Guy #1: So what’s the deal with that chick who was talking to you?
Guy #2: Well, I think she’s absolutely atrocious. But yeah, I’d hit that.

–The Joshua Tree, Murray Hill

His Translation Captures the Spirit of the Original

Chinese girl: [in Chinese] Your luck just ran out.
Black girl: What the fuck did she say?
Chinese passerby: You are fucked.

–W 4th & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Ting

Wednesday One-Liners Hallah Back

Chick complaining about looking for roommates: The problem with today is that everybody’s Jewish.

–Dobbin & Norman

Overheard by: Sam Tresler

Young quasi-gangster to friends: Even if you’re not Jewish, you’re, like… Jewish.

–Post-Yankees game on B train

Overheard by: Indiana

Tourist chick: How, how, how can there be no Jewish deli? All I want is a tongue sandwich and a fucking piece of pizza!

–Grand Central Station

Overheard by: X-tal

Lady suit: Are you saying you’d rather be with a Jewish person than a wife-beater?

–18th & 6th

Overheard by: emily

JAP: Shiksas are totally not allowed on Jdate!

–71st & Columbus

Overheard by: DebDan

Chick in stall to friend: It must be a Jewish thing, but whenever there’s food around I have to eat it — even if I’m not hungry.

–Restroom, Loews Cinema, 11th & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: Em

Queer: No, like, of course you’re not Jewish. I just wanted to check before I dissed the Jews.

–113th & Broadway

Overheard by: hilla

No, Although We Do Have a Slight Anxiety About Whackjobs Trying to Electrocute Us in Elevators

Lady carrying box: What brings you to the city?
British woman: We’re here looking at schools.
Lady carrying box: Well, are you concerned about electromagnetic fields?

–New Yorker Hotel elevator

Overheard by: Alyssa

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