Professor: I could go to Mark*, for example, and say, “hey, you have to do this or I'm going to shoot you.” (to Mark*) Uh, sorry.
Mark*: Well, at least you're polite about it.

Emerson College
Boston, Massachusetts

Overheard by: S.m. Torres

Older sister, standing on shopping cart: Where is Mommy?
Little brother, pushing cart: [Shrugs.]Older sister: You didn’t kill her, did you?!

Altoona, Pennsylvania

Overheard by: No, I Did

Pleasant English lady in line at checkout: Whoever invented all these human rights should be shot!

Scott Air Force Base
St. Clair County, Illinois

Overheard by: Ninjamedic

Canadian girl #1 to tour operator: Where can we do tours of Auschwitz?
Tour operator: Um, well, Auschwitz is in Poland, so…
Canadian girl #2: No, but we mean the one the Germans set up for the war. The German one.
Tour operator: Yes, I understand, but they set it up in Poland.
Canadian girl #1, after pause: Are you sure? We came to Berlin just to see it.


Overheard by: Jit

Professor: The guillotine was humane. It was just humane many thousands of times.

Oberlin, Ohio

Overheard by: Secret Spy

Teacher: Okay, now what you do think is the chance of being killed by being struck by lightning?
Bimbette: Ummmm… probably like, one in two.
Class: (silence)
Teacher: One in two?
Bimbette: Wait! Make that one in ten.


Girl, looking at video games: If I had a sword that pimp, I would just kill people all day and run around.
Boy following her: Girl, if you had a sword that pimp I would stop being gay and make you stop to make love to me.
Girl, looking appalled: I’d be busy killing people, though.
Boy, matter-of-factly: Well… I’d make you stop every thirteen kills.

Random Walmart
Boise, Idaho

Overheard by: Bunnee

Teen #1: I hate her. She is such a milk!
Teen #2: What? Don’t you mean “milf”?
Teen #1: No, man. She is a mother I would like to kill.
Teen #2: Oh. I think she is a milky milf!
Teen #1: There is something wrong with you.

Columbia, South Carolina

Mother: Honey, do you remember mommy’s friend Denise?
Four-year-old son: Uh-huh.
Mother: Well, mommy has to leave right now, because Denise’s father passed away, and I have to go and tell Denise that I’m sorry.
Four-year-old son: Oh. Did you kill him?

Port Jefferson, New York

Overheard by: arctinus

Social problems teacher: So what are some social problems that affect us today?
Female student: Murder?
Teacher: Yeah, that’s good. [writes it on the white board.] Any others?
Male student: Narcissism?
Teacher: I don’t quite understand…
Male student: Well if people are falling asleep all the time and they don’t know it…

Grand Rapids Community College
Grand Rapids, Michigan