Wednesday One-Liners Have a View to a Kill

God freak: The Christians are praying and not killing. The Christians only kill once in two thousand years, or maybe a thousand years. Three hundred years. God will forgive you for killing a hundred men, but he will kill you because of the radio.

–R train

Chick on cell: You murdered him? Oh… you didn’t. Well that’s good. It would have been bad for your image.

–Central Park

Overheard by: Laura

Dude: Yo, don’t be so angry while I kill everyone.

–GWB Terminal, 175th St

Bean-Lover: And I said, “Yo, bitch, I kill you for a can o’ pinto beans.”

–10th St & 1st Ave

B&T girl: I want that exact kind of relationship. Except for, like, the whole mass murdering thing.

–Knitting Factory, Leonard St

Professor: Why kill yourself when you can just steal someone else’s idea?

–Hunter College

Overheard by: acep & arielle

Woman on cell: Do you know how many executions I’ve been to over the last year?…5.

–Central Park

Overheard by: MC

Posted on January 19, 2021
All Wednesday One-Liners, Death, Murder, Suicide, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

The United One-Liners Of Wednesday

Female suit on cell: And if we get custody, we can take the girls to North Carolina! Fuck it! Yeah, we can!

–37th St & Madison

Overheard by: catching a train

Little boy: Mommy, is California really far? Would we have to take the f train to get there?

–N Train

Crazy-eyed lady on subway: The public schools failed my son! He flunked out, and now he's getting all As in private school! We need to stop putting money into Georgia and put money into our schools! You know what else we need to do? We need to drill in Alaska, because if we don't, Russia's going to get a pipeline in there and take it all!

–Uptown R Train

Overheard by: Anna P.

20-something woman: I think he's just going to club me…and drag me back to Alaska.

–Bleecker & 11th

Overheard by: Imma club you

Father to five-year-old daughter touching signposts and cars: You can rub anything you want in Connecticut, honey, but we have to be careful in New York.

–Union Square

Thugette: Ohio was mad crazy. Hillbillies be fucking chillin' on the block. Ain't no one had teeth! No one! You ever seen one of those movies where some white guy goes fucking crazy and kills, like, ten people? Like he's walking down the street and just stabs a cat in the neck? It was like that.

–V Train

Posted on October 8, 2020
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Crazies, Crazy, Dads, Family Ties, Gay Man's Best Friend, Insults, Kids, Money & Class, Murder, Murray Hill and Gramercy, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Paranoia, Parents, Physical appearance, Public Transportation, Questions, School and studying, Stab, Street, Stupidity, Suits, The Village, Thugs, U.S. Geography, Union Square and East Village, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

The Lost Jo Dialogue from Facts Of Life

Ghetto girl #1: I'ma fuck her up! I'ma cut that bitch!
Ghetto boy: You gon' kill her?
Ghetto girl #1: Nah, I'ma cut her!
Ghetto girl #2: You can't do that, thas' ya ex!
Ghetto girl #1: Exactly! Thas' why I'ma fuck her up. She broke up with me!

–G Train

Posted on August 7, 2020
Boys, Breaking Up, Fighting and ass kicking, Gays and Lesbians, Ghetto Chicks, Murder, On the Subway, Stab, Threats

It Depends on Whether She Swallows

Girl #1: Aw, he sent me a message that says “Sweet dreams, gorgeous.”
Girl #2: Hmm. Isn’t that what they say to Mafioso girlfriends before they slit their throats and throw them in the East River?

–Morningside Heights

Overheard by: djlindee

Yuppie #1: …and it’s not just because she’s a chick.
Yuppie #2: Yeah, it’d be the same if she were a dude.
Yuppie #1: Totally! And it’s not because I really like to work, because I don’t.
Yuppie #2: Totally!

–Dock’s Oyster Bar, 40th & 3rd

Overheard by: Greg Rutter

Posted on June 19, 2020
Comebacks, Crime and Punishment, Jobs & Careers, Lies, Murder, Questions, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday One-Liners Hang Weird Shit on Their Mirrors

Cab driver, getting cut off: Yeah, drive like you want that cheeseburger!

–Columbus Circle

Cabbie: I got in some trouble and my wife threw all my clothes out of the house. I never realized how many clothes I have! I know New York streets better than my own closet! (laughs)

–Cab, Broadway & Houston

Cab driver to colleague who just honked after he stopped for a pedestrian: What, you want me to kill him?

–Battery Park

Middle Eastern cab driver: I used to have a video store in Washington Heights. But the black bastard put me out of business! Can you believe it? After ten years the black bastard put me out of business! Do you now the black bastard on Dyckman? C'mon! Everybody knows the back bastard! Black bastard! Black bastard video!

–Cab, Washington Heights

Overheard by: Gene Gray

Cab driver: When you drive for ten hours a day, you learn that over 50% of drivers are, how do you say it…stupid.

–Queens

Overheard by: Fiasco

Posted on June 15, 2020
All Wednesday One-Liners, Battery Park, Cabbies, Cars and Driving, Clothing, Compare/Contrast, Coworkers, Jobs & Careers, Junk Food & Fast Food, Laughter, Marriage, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Murder, NYC Geography, One-liners, Queens, Soho, Street, Stupidity, Time, Washington Heights and Inwood, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

As It Clearly States in Joss Whedon's Version Of the Bible

Professor: Does anyone know where the term “Passover” comes from?
Student: It's because the Jews put blood on their doors so Jesus would pass over their house and not kill the first-born son.

–Classroom, Fordham University

Overheard by: dundun

Posted on February 9, 2020
Babies, Blood & bleeding, Classroom, Fordham, Jesus, Judaism, Murder, Questions, School and studying, Students, Teachers/Professors, Weirdness, Words

Wasn't He Val Kilmer in Top Gun?

Cute little four-year-old girl: Daddy, who was The Iceman?
Father, without hesitation: He was a serial killer.
Cute little four-year-old girl: Oh.

–Barnes & Noble

Posted on December 16, 2019
Dads, Kids, Murder, Parents, Questions, Store, Superheroes

Or Worse, in Grease 2

Man to cop: But if I shoot and kill someone in my home, it's no problem, right?
Cop: No problem here; but you might have a problem in Greece.

–30th Ave & 31st St

Overheard by: venniblue

Posted on November 23, 2019
Cops, Crime and Punishment, Men, Murder, Queens, Shoot

And Be Eaten by Hippies from Minnesota

Fire truck loudspeaker to tourists blocking entrance: Please clear the area unless you want to end up as roadkill.

–WTC Site, Liberty Street

Posted on October 17, 2019
Animals & Nature, Death, Firemen, Ground Zero, Murder, Threats, Tourism, Tourists, Weirdness

Wednesday One-Liners Remember elimiDATE Fondly

Man on cell: Yeah man, she is so not anyone that I would be willing to invest years in… I mean I don't want to have to spend my time actually working on it. I figured, hell, I kind of want to wake up next to someone a couple of days a week, so I might as well hang on through the summer. No, she has no idea…

–Columbus & 62nd St

Grad student: They have this symbiotic relationship in which he does all the eating and she does all the drinking.

–Columbia University

Woman to herself: God, I asked you for a good man; not a fucking joke!

–Spring & Hudson

Overheard by: Oscar Gamble

Firefighter to others: It's not that I have anything against commitment; I just like diversity.

–125th St Fairway

Overheard by: Just Shoppint

Man in shorts to another: I wouldn't date a girl with double vision, period.

–Williamsburg

Overheard by: Dr No-Eyes