Wednesday One-Liners Are Unincorporated Territory

Woman: Come here, sweetheart! You lousy fucking Puerto Rican scum!

–4th & MacDougal

Construction worker to another: Come here, I’ll buy you some food ’cause you’re my man. What, you want Puerto Rican food? They’ve got Puerto Rican food here.

–Burger King, 46th St, between 5th & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster

Suit: Have you ever been to Croatia? They treated me like a god just for being Puerto Rican.

–M31 bus, between Madison & Lex

Dude: Nawww, don’t go to Puerto Rico. It’s just like New Jersey!

–Outside Caliente Cab Co.

Posted on February 28, 2007
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Ethnic Food, Global Geography, Insults, Offers and requests, Race, Terms of Endearment, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday One-Liners Are Excellent Drivers, Excellent Drivers

Man to woman and her friend pushing a stroller: Listen, Jeanie, you like my sperm, and I like your car. I’m sure we can make a deal.

–60th & Central Park South

Firefighter after getting a call: Hey, boss, how many one-way streets do you think I can drive down the wrong way?

–Pathmark under Manhattan Bridge

Overheard by: tj

Midwestern woman in preppy clothes sticking head out passenger window of sedan: Excuse me, we’re trying to merge…

–Waiting to enter Lincoln Tunnel

Overheard by: Angela

Homeless musician with Casio keyboard plays entire intro to ‘Oye Como Va,’ then sings: Oye como va, ba da da, blah blah blah blah blah! [Abruptly stops] Well, ladies and gentlemen, that’s what you get for not having a car.

–L train to Williamsburg

Overheard by: Subway Goer

Posted on February 28, 2007
All Wednesday One-Liners, Business and Commerce, Cars and Driving, Cum, Music, NYC Geography, Offers and requests, Questions, Stupidity, Tourism, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary, Words

Last Time Egon Did That, He Got Slimed

A well-dressed, middle-aged woman is being kicked out of a restaurant for inviting herself to sit at several other customers’ tables.

Waiter: Come on, you have to leave.
Woman: Baby, there is basically an aura about me. Would you care to venture through it?

–Restaurant, W 4th St

Posted on February 13, 2007
Crime and Punishment, Customers, Mysticism, Offers and requests, Restaurants & Cafes, Waiters, Weirdness

But I’m Totally Out of the Closet

Young woman: Hey, would you like to sign up and register to vote?
Man: No, thanks. I’m an illegal alien.

–Grand Concourse, the Bronx

Overheard by: BobbyD

Posted on December 2, 2006
Flyer people, Foreigners, Men, Offers and requests, Politics, The Bronx, Women

A Fellini Film

Hobo to unconscious friend: Yo man, let’s get some coke! I don’t be playing, let’s get some coke! [Two minutes later] Psssh, ain’t no such thing as a good kid. All them fucked up. Yo man, you look like Barry White. Anyone ever tell you that? [No response.] Stupid. [Reaches into his plastic bag and pulls out a clown mask which he puts over his face.]

–LIRR waiting area

Overheard by: pretending my train just arrived

Posted on November 26, 2006
About Celebrities, Cocaine, Compare/Contrast, Crazies, Druggies, Hobos, Offers and requests, Trains Not Subway, Weirdness

But Not for Long

Guy: Just look! Look behind us! There’s nobody! I just bought coke. Look, just give me 20 back and I’ll leave you alone all night. I swear. I don’t go to F.I.T. I go to West Point.

–8th Ave & 25th St

Posted on November 13, 2006
Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Cocaine, Cocaine Diet, Druggies, Education, Guys, Money & Class, Offers and requests, Students

I Coulda Stayed in Dubuque and Been Propositioned

Sketchy Guy in trenchcoat: Hey, you ladies want some juice?
Girl #1: Oh my god! He just tried to sell me drugs! One day in New York, and some guy tries to sell me drugs. This is awesome!!
Girl #2: Baby, I think he’s coming on to you.
Girl #1: Oh, you sick bastard!

–43rd & Broadway

Overheard by: Angie

Posted on October 24, 2006
Druggies, Girls, Idiots, Insults, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Offers and requests, Pick-up Lines, Tourists

So Mom Required her to Contemplate the Year’s Mistakes

Black 10-year-old girl: Mommy! Mommy! Can I get some ice cream?
Ghetto mom: I ain’t gettin’ you no ice cream. Ain’t no holiday.
Black 10-year-old girl: Is so! It’s the Jewish New Year!

–11th St & Ave C

Posted on October 23, 2006
Black People, Food, Holidays, Judaism, Kids, Moms, Offers and requests, Union Square and East Village

We Recommend 8 Hours of Wednesday One-Liners a Night

Restaurant patron: Wait, you are telling me you never wake up in the middle of the night and think you’re still in jail?

–Mottsu Soho

Overheard by: J

Guy on cell: I’ll be there in a few hours. No! Just wait! I mean can you please just not sleep all day again for three seconds?

–Canal St

Hobo: Sorry to disturb y’all! If you look at me closely, you will see some red marks. I was sleeping on the ground for a couple of days and I did not know that if you smell like food, those big rats will bite you.

–B Train

Overheard by: Jamie Paquette

Guy on cell: Hi. I’m just calling to say . . . ummm . . . I feel really bad about how things are going, how things have been. I don’t know if you got any sleep last night. I know I didn’t. But I guess I turned it to my best advantage, because I just gave the most amazing lecture. I talked for two and a half hours! So I guess I’m not totally useless to everyone.

–Chelsea Station Post Office

Anorexic dancer: Yeah, but I can’t wake up without toilet paper.
Friend: …..
Anorexic dancer: It makes sense to me.

–Meredith Wilson Residence Hall, Juilliard School

Overheard by: cherry

Patron to bartender: I mean, I sleep till 3 p.m., but that’s because I drink and do coke all the time. . . . I guess they do too!

–Barracuda