A Gaggle Of Wednesday One-Liners

Guy on cell: I mean, it was bigger than a horse. But it had four humps.

–14th & 2nd

Overheard by: LIZ

Drunk man: A plastic sheep or a real sheep… When it comes down to it… is there really any difference?

–Biddy Early's Pub

Chick on cell: It's better than riding a golden yak!

–Morningside Heights

Overheard by: Ursula & Winifred

Man to friend: Did I mean "wombats"? Of course I meant fucking wombats!

–3 Train

Blonde: What is a mongoose and where can I get one?

–Times Square

Guy on cell (fumbling with a pack of Marlboros): Well, for one, it’s been ten days since the baby snakes have eaten.

–92nd St & Broadway

Overheard by: The Mad Man

Middle-aged white guy: …so we told the children they couldn't go to the petting zoo, to see how they would react. (pause) It was interesting on a psychological level.

–Outside of Butler Library, Columbia University

Overheard by: Ladle

Posted on August 27, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Babies, Bars & Clubs, Body Parts, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Compare/Contrast, Drunks, Friends, Girls, Guys, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Library, Men, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Subway, Psychology, Questions, Times Square, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, White People, Words

Can't We Just Have Anonymous Anal at the Gym Like Normal People?

Meathead #1: Hey, if we went camping and got really drunk, and you woke up with a used condom in your ass, would you tell anyone?
Meathead #2: Ummmm no. I don't think I would.
(five minutes later)
Meathead #1: Wanna go camping?

–C Train

Posted on August 26, 2008
Backdoor, Condoms, Default, Drinking & Drunk People, Friends, Gays and Lesbians, Leisure, Meatheads, Offers and requests, On the Subway, Travel

Wow, You Sound Like My Abortion Counselor

Yelling man: Excuse me, attention please, girls only! Two years ago we were blessed by an earth angel, and that earth angel is me, in this body! If you want to come with me, girls, to heaven, I can give you some pamphlets, information…but there is a catch! Only girls under the age of 29 may come with the earth angel! Girls above the age of 29 are destined to the infernal afterlife!
Queer Latino to lady friend: Guess you're gonna burn.

–4 Train

Overheard by: nooners

Posted on August 25, 2008
Age/Aging, Christianity, Crazies, Creepsters, Default, Friends, Gender issues, God Squad, Latinos, Men, Offers and requests, On the Subway, Queer guys, Threats, Weirdness

At Least Until Brad Pitt Takes Over?

European man: Aww, what a beautiful baby. So nice…
Thai woman (in Thai): Do you want to be the daddy?

–N Train

Overheard by: NYC24

Posted on August 24, 2008
Asians, Babies, Beauty, Compliments, Default, Foreigners, Men, Offers and requests, On the Subway, Questions, Weirdness, Women

How to Come Out to Your Friends in One Easy Step

Guy #1: You know, I really did love her. It just wasn't going to work out.
Guy #2: I'm so sorry, man.
Guy #1: It's okay. I have time to go to the gym now.

–N Train

Overheard by: ltrain

Posted on August 23, 2008
Compare/Contrast, Default, Fitness, Guys, Love, On the Subway, Relationships, Time, Weirdness

When I Spit on the Homeless, I'm Just Saying, “Thanks, Mom and Dad!”

20-something guy: You know, it's like people hate me for having money. But it's like, my parents worked *really* hard for that money, and they worked for it for *me*. So I deserve it.
20-something girl: Yeaaah. I know.

–1 Train

Overheard by: Ladle & Jen

Posted on August 21, 2008
Default, Girls, Guys, Jobs & Careers, Money & Class, On the Subway, Parents, Stupidity

Few Men Are Able to Do the Math on That

Old man: Because you know I love only you.
Young woman: I love you, too.
Random guy walking by: No he doesn't, he just wants your pussy.

–E Train

Overheard by: Ting

Posted on August 21, 2008
Advice, Compare/Contrast, Default, Guys, Lies, Love, Men, Old People, On the Subway, Relationships, Sex, Strangers, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Can't Talk Here. It Isn't Safe

Conspiracy theorist: The government knows everything these days. The goddamn E-ZPass knows when I'm going to be intimate.

–Sly Fox Bar

Overheard by: Cait O'Connor

Dude on cell (angrily): You should not be paying that much for oil, man… No, we are not going to run out of oil anytime soon! Don't you know that there are X-ray satellites all around the Earth, and they know the location of all the oil, natural gas, and aluminum under the ground? We can do that, because we have the satellite technology!

–Bronx 2 Train

Elderly man seeing another with cochlear implant: Wow… now they re talking to your brain!

–Time Warner Building, Columbus Circle

Overheard by: michael

Drunk hobo on R train: I never met a woman that wasn't a federal agent. You can't trust women. Women are like computers. Never trust a machine that can think.

–R Train

High school girl: You know what I just found out? Those crop circles are real! I didn't know that! And if you take an electronic device down there to video tape them, it will explode.

–Wendy's

Posted on August 20, 2008
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Buildings, Central Park, Cops, Drunks, Gender issues, Girls, Government, Guys, Hobos, Men, Money & Class, Old People, On Cell, On the Subway, Queens, Restaurants & Cafes, Science, Teens, The Bronx

Wednesday One-Liners Just Hope They'll Get There Eventually

Conductor: This is 14th Street, Union Square. Transfers available to the 4, 5, 6, L, Q, R, and W trains. This is a Queens-bound N train. The next stop will be 14th Street, Union Square. 14th Street, Union Square will be the next stop.

–Uptown N Train, Canal Street

Overheard by: V

Conductor: This is 33rd Street. Transfer is available to the… street.

–6 Train

Overheard by: Murray Hill Schlub

Conductor: This is 66th street, Lincoln Tunnel.

–Downtown 2 Train

Overheard by: Close but no cigar

Conductor: Attention, ladies and gentlemen. This train will *not* be going to South Ferry, due to issues with the problem. I repeat: we will *not* be going to South Ferry, because of issues with the problem.

–Downtown 1 Train

Overheard by: Ladle

Conductor: There is no N train service across the platform. I repeat, there is no N service across the platform. (N train pulls in) …that is an an N train across the platform.

–Queensboro Plaza

Posted on August 20, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Directions, NYC Geography, On the Subway, Public Transportation, Queens, Subway conductors, Weirdness, Words

Who, Let's Face It, Is the Weak Link in That Triumvirate

Man #1: Yeah, Charley tells me he's afraid of ghosts. He's afraid they'll get him if he turns out the light.
Man #2: Yeah?
Man #1: Yeah, so I told him, “Charley, there are no such things as ghosts.”
Man #2: Okay.
Man #1: And then he asks Elane if there are no such things as ghosts and she starts going blah-da-de-blah on about the holy ghost.
Man #2: *Sigh*

–D Line

Overheard by: Mago

Posted on August 16, 2008
Default, Fears, Men, On the Subway, Questions, Religion, Vampires, Ghouls, and Ghosts, oh my!

On the Subway