School

Wednesday One-Liners Used the Rhythm Method

Girl: Last time you told me something was overrated I got pregnant.

–Sephora, Broadway

Overheard by: linzz

Guy: … So then she changed her middle name to something like "Afterbirth…"

–Spring St

Overheard by: boston bobby

College guy on cell: He was like, ‘Shit, she’s got a bun in the oven!’ And I was like, ‘Oh, shit!’

–Columbia University

Overheard by: roo

Chick: She said he talked to her on the phone and that’s how he got her pregnant.

–Barnes & Noble, Union Square

Overheard by: Wondering how that works

Preggers: I’m gonna across this street against the light, pregnant and all, and I’m not gonna have a miscarriage.

–Eastern Pkwy & Classon Ave, Crown Heights, Brooklyn

Employee to another: I only gained two pounds during my pregnancy, and I’m on my seventh month!

–Burger King, 5th Ave, between 36th & 37th

Overheard by: EE Grimshaw

NYU girl on cell: … So then the doctor comes in and he goes, ‘Houston, we have a problem…" I know, right? What’s with doctors trying to be all funny when they’re telling you that you’re pregnant?

–NYU bus

Overheard by: tj

I Hate Performance Reviews

Teacher #1: We could videotape each other.
Teacher #2: And then we could put different names on them.

–Teacher’s lounge

Tough Talk for a Kid from the Bronx

Teacher: What country do we live in?
Very enthusiastic little boy: The United States of New York!
Teacher, a few minutes later: Can someone name a state outside of New York?
Very enthusiastic little boy: Brooklyn!

–First grade classroom, the Bronx

Would You Like Some Scones with That Gin N’ Juice?

Black teen #1: See ya later.
Black teen #2: Cheerio, nigga.

–School, 17th St

Overheard by: John

All Cars Would Be Yellow If Not for the Matchy-Matchy Laws

Teacher: So, as you can see, this car in the picture reduces air resistance and can accelerate faster.
Student #1, chuckling: Yeah, and plus, it’s yellow, so that makes it faster, too.
Teacher, laughing: Haha, yeah, very true.
Student #2: Wait, really?

–Physics class, St. Ann’s School

Overheard by: Mike N

I Didn’t Go to the Trouble of Poisoning All Those People Just to Be Ignored

Blonde chick: Oh my god, so there’s this playwright who died, and they’re like, putting on a re-… re-… Well, like, whatever it’s called, they’re putting it on. They’re reading some lines. But anyway, like, her brother who, like, my dad like, used to work with — well, he’s dead, too. And I’m like, ‘Why are you hanging out with your girlfriend’s daughter when I’m your real daughter?’
Friend: Oh my god, you should totally bitch him out.
Blonde chick: Oh, I will.

–Elevator, NYU residence hall

Wednesday One-Liners May Begin… Now

NYU student: I feel like the professor didn’t scare me enough about the final exam y’know? So then, like, I didn’t get nervous enough, so then I didn’t study enough, so then I didn’t do well on it, y’know? So, like, it’s really my professor’s fault, y’know?

–Korean deli, 13th St & 5th Ave

Overheard by: Joseph O’Connell

Cop: Yeah, the open-book exam? I passed it on appeal.

–45th & Broadway

Guy on cell: … Fucked me, dude. Fucked me hard. Bent me over the desk and rammed a bluebook right up my ass. Sooo fuckin’ hard…

–Union Square

Guy: I should have studied for this final… But the tequila was so good!

–NYU Silver Center

Student to professor during final: Do you want us to use our intelligence or follow the instructions?

–Columbia University

Wednesday One-Liners Have Their Own Kneepads

Grey-haired middle-aged man on cell: 40 grand for a suck. No… 40 grand, and I’ll suck your dick.

–Fashion District

Man on cell: What about the licking? Did you practice licking? I can’t teach you anything if you don’t practice. You have to practice the licking if you want to do it right.

–78th St & 37th Ave

Overheard by: Jillian

Homeless woman: Everyone on this train eats pussy! Guys, girls, all ya’ll!

–2 train

Overheard by: Macaire

Ghetto dude: Do you see that building? Do you see that building? That’s NYU. It took me 26 years to get my degree there. And what am I doing? Still sucking white dick.

–Bleecker & Mercer

Overheard by: Jay

Guy on cell: Yeah, man, this chick just gave me a blowjob. She was like, ‘Are you on Restless?’ And I was like, ‘Yeah,’ and then she dropped to her knees!

–2nd & 2nd

Overheard by: wishing i did soaps

Suit on cell: On one hand, you’re married, and I don’t need that kind of drama. On the other hand, you do owe me a blowjob.

–Wall St, 2-3 stop atrium

Overheard by: did he get a receipt?

Britney Has a Talk with Her Publicist

Girl #1: That is such a cute shirt.
Girl #2: Thanks, but it’s actually a dress.
Girl #1: Is it?
Girl #2: Well, I hope so, because I’m not wearing any pants.

–NYU

The UWGCF Is Usually Known As ‘Society’

Teen girl #1: So, I was talking to her and I said, ‘You’re lucky you’re a minority, because you can get more scholarships for college.’ And she told her friend, and now I’m a ‘racist.’ What the fuck?
Teen girl #2: How is that racist? It’s true! I don’t see a ‘United White Girls College Fund.’
Teen girl #3: It’s called ‘affirmative action.’ Look it up.
Teen girl #1: And why would I be racist? I love black people! I listen to rap.

–Brooklyn High School

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