The Pitter-Patter of Tiny Wednesday One-Liners

Young boy: Fuck school! When I’m old enough, I’m just going to stay home and make babies.

–1 Train

College professor: Everything that is wrong in this world can be traced back to babies.

–40th & 8th Ave

Overheard by: Just Trying to Smoke in Peace

Girl on phone: I’m going to have to cancel for a few different reasons. First, the baby hasn’t gotten all her shots. And more importantly, there’s something pecking through my wall! I’m really freaked out!

–Bleecker and Lafayette

Woman with three kids, after watching the eldest push the middle to the ground: What are you pushing him down for? Are you trying to upset my stomach so I lose this baby inside me?

–St Marks Place, Staten Island

Girl on cell: Well if she likes to have babies so much, why don’t she just be a … doctor!

–52nd & 7th

Professor: 42-year-old babies don’t have bones.

–Schenectady County Community College

Posted on May 2, 2020
Advice, Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Babies, College, Education, Fears, Girls, Home, Sweet Home, Jobs & Careers, Kids, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, Not New York, On Cell, On the Subway, Philosophy, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Questions, School and studying, Sex, Staten Island, Teachers/Professors, The Village, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Intelligent Designing 101

Guy #1: Damn that girl is fine. I’d give my left nut to get her a night.
Guy #2: Dude, why your left nut?
Guy #1: Because it’s attached directly to your heart.
Guy #2: Oh my god, what bio class have you been taking?

–20th & Park

Overheard by: Kiuu SMith

Posted on April 24, 2020
Body Parts, Manhattan, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Pick-up Lines, Sex, Sex & Relationships, Stupidity

Wednesday One-Liners Need a Pamprin

Woman: When it’s a tampon, you can stick it anywhere.

–59th St

Overheard by: Rich

Woman on cell: …and then this big glop of bloody goop came out, and so I reached into the toilet and squeezed it to make sure it wasn’t a baby…

–13th & Broadway

20-Something chick: My shit bled like it’s never bled before.

–Elevator, 57th & 6th

Overheard by: Matt

Mulleted queer: Imagine if Virginia Slims designed a tampon!

–Bushwick, Brooklyn

Overheard by: ‘nuther black charlie chaplin

Creative genius: Just imagine if I had a tampon gun!

–St. Mark’s

Woman on cell: Well, you can’t just go handing out sanitary napkins to everyone!

–15th & Union Square East

Loud girl on cell: Yeah, so he was going for it, and I was like, “No, baby, I can’t tonight,” and he was like, “Why?” and I was like, “I got it today,” and he was like, “Aww, then nothing for a whole week!”

–CVS, 58th & 9th

Overheard by: Kate Melvin

Posted on April 8, 2020
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Blood & bleeding, Menstruation, One-liners, Poop, Pop Culture, Sex, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

But I Also Like Cleaning and Sucking Cock!

Hot southern girl #1: So, before I came up here my mom is like, "Be very careful around those northern boys, they think all southern girls just love to cook and fuck."
Hot southern girl #2: Oh my gosh, are you serious? They think that? That’s so messed up!
Hot southern girl #1: I know!
Hot southern girl #2: But I really do love to cook… And fuck.
Hot southern girl #1: I know… Me too.

–Union Square Cafe

Overheard by: Moving South

Posted on April 6, 2020
Advice, Bimbettes, Food, Restaurants & Cafes, Sex, Southerners, Union Square and East Village

Wasn't That a Cherry Poppin' Daddies Song?

Bodega guy to old Dominican guy: What's up, sister?
Old Dominican guy: I got your sister swinging!

–Throop & Vernon

Overheard by: johnny

Posted on April 5, 2020
Brooklyn, Clerks, Dominicans, Family Ties, Gender issues, Grocery Stores, Old People, Questions, Sex

Wednesday One-Liners Seek Asylum

Chick on cell: God, is she crazy? Even I wouldn’t do that, and I’m a total slut.

–39th St & 3rd Ave

NYU girl on cell: Yeah, she really is a crazy bitch. At least I’m getting a book out of it, though. I’m going to call it Next Year I’ll Be in a New Room, But You’ll Still Be Fucking Nuts.

–Washington Square Park

Conductor: Someone has lost a bag of marbles in the cafe car. I repeat, we have a bag of marbles found in the cafe car. Has anyone lost their marbles?

–Amtrak, Penn Station

Communications & media studies professor: I don’t mean to pontificate, but this is the last day of class and I have some important advice for you — never sleep with anyone who is crazier than you are. It can get you in a lot of trouble.

–Fordham University

Overheard by: Switching Departments

10-year-old boy waiting for mom: Hooray, hooray, I’m insane, I’m insane, okay!

–Outside Met Food, Cortelyou Rd & E 16th St, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Leela

Posted on April 4, 2020
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Health and Hygiene, Psychology, Sex, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

We Can Spot Fake Wednesday One-Liners a Mile Away

Exasperated woman on phone: It's a phone interview! What does it matter what type of boobs I have?

–Office Building, 32nd & 7th

Overheard by: erkala

Girl, after guy accidentally hit her boob: Ow! You should be squeezing them, not hitting them!

–Toys R' Us, Times Square

Overheard by: Lotte

Upper West Side girl to friend: I hate that my boobs are so big! It completely ruins that skirt for me.

–Canal Street

Hobo: But I don't want to love my breasts!

–Ave B

Man on cell: So you're coming to New York? That's good. I called your mother, she said you're staying with some girl with big tits tonight.

–West 4th Street

Guy to another, while at lunch: I don't care if you think I live too fast and I'll be dead at 45. At least I'll die with a tittie in my mouth!

–Bryant Park

Overheard by: sal b

Posted on March 26, 2020
Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Alphabet City, Body Parts, Bryant Park, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Clothing, Death, Foreplay, Friends, Girls, Gripes, Guys, Height, Hobos, Men, Office, On Cell, Parents, Physical appearance, Questions, Rack, Sex, Store, Street, Stupidity, Times Square, Violence, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, West Village, Wishes & desires, Women

People with Diarrhea, Sure

Girl #1: It’s weird you’re never horny.
Girl #2: I just feel like sex is like bowling. I mean, I enjoy bowling but I’m never like, “God, I haven’t bowled in so long” or “It’s Friday night. I have got to go bowling.” You know?
Girl #1: Maybe you haven’t found the right bowling partner.
Girl #2: Bowling is something that really isn’t improved by doing it with someone else. I’ve enjoyed bowling but I could go the rest of my life without doing it again. I mean, I know I’ll have sex again, but I could give a rat’s ass. Have you ever heard anyone say “I need to bowl real bad“?

–L train

Overheard by: Ray

Posted on March 20, 2020
On the Subway, Sex, Sex & Relationships

NewsFlash: Art Student Slutty. Film at 11

Guy: Stop staring at me.
Girl: I'm not staring at you. What, I'm not allowed to look at you now?
Guy: Not like that. You have bedroom eyes.
Girl: Bedroom eyes? I don't have bedroom eyes. That's the way I normally look, you know that.
Guy: Yeah, because you're everyone's girl.
Girl: Shut up, no I'm not! Whatever, at least I get laid.

–Elevator, Pratt Institute

Overheard by: that girl

Posted on March 11, 2020
Body Parts, College, Girls, Guys, Sex

Oh, and Speaking of Assholes …

Guy #1: Dude, are you okay? You look exhausted.
Guy #2: I am. My life is so weird right now.
Guy #1: Still working on the divorce?
Guy #2: That’s pretty much finalized, actually. It’s this girl I started seeing last week.
Guy #1: Wait, you’re dating that hot Russian chick?
Guy #2: Yeah, Svetlana*. She’s a total nympho — I haven’t slept in days. She won’t leave my crotch alone. Plus, whenever we’re going at it she keeps calling me ‘Master.’ It’s fucked up.
Guy #1: You just lost any chance at sympathy, asshole.

–D train

Posted on March 4, 2020
Assholes, Foreigners, Friends, On the Subway, Sex

Sex