Home Is Where You Hang Your Wednesday One-Liners

Saleswoman to customer on busy day: Some days you really should just stay at home. You’re cranky.

–Macy’s, Herald Square

Loud black lady on cell: Mothafuckah, I ain’t no one-night stand. If you think you can fuckin’ call me at 10:30 to 11:00 at night and fuckin’ pull me out of my home with my kids, then you must think I’m some other… [whispers] bitch.

–Mail room, Financial District

Woman on cell: Good, that way she won’t be able to beat on anyone else’s house guests! Let her sit at home and beat on her own house guests!

–M14 bus

Overheard by: Eyeteeth

Conductor: Jessica! Jessica! Girl, you on this train. Jessica Elizabeth! I’m taking you home, girl.

–6 train

Overheard by: fridaholic

Posted on March 23, 2021
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Anger Management, Black People, Conductors, Gossip, Gripes, Home, Sweet Home, Insults, Names, On Cell, On the Bus, On the Subway, Sex, Store, Vendors & Street Performers, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Women

But the Mannequins Have Better Legs Than I Do!

Woman: Where is the men section?
Employee: This is the men section.
Woman: Oh, wow!

–Express For Him

Overheard by: Express

Posted on March 13, 2021
9 to 5-ers, Customers, Default, Fashion, Gender issues, Questions, Shopping, Store, Women

How Could You Not Love This Town?

Cashier: How are you?
Customer: Do you want the honest answer?
Cashier: Yes.
Customer: I feel like the business end of a donkey. I am extremely hungover and did a mountain of cocaine last night. Now I have to make dinner for a 68-year-old gay artist who is trying to fuck me.
Cashier: I’m… sorry.
Customer: And the woman I love is in another state pregnant with her ex-boyfriend’s baby, and I wish the baby was mine. And I’m sleeping with a dominatrix. And it’s all true.

–Whole Foods

Posted on March 5, 2021
Customers, Gripes, Store

“She” Must Get Asked That All the Time

Man: You look like the black Sigourney Weaver.
Woman: I’m not black.
Man: Are you Sigourney Weaver?

–Oasis coffee shop, Hunts Point

Overheard by: Jake Glazier

Posted on December 28, 2020
About Celebrities, Comebacks, Men, Race, Store, Women

I’d Rather Date Her

Boyfriend holding up slutty top: What about this one?
Girlfriend: If you were a girl you’d be the biggest skank in New York.

–Charlotte Russe, Manhattan Mall, 33rd & 6th

Headline by: Scott

Runners-Up:

· “And knock the Statue of Liberty right off that pedestal.” – LORI

· “But at least it flatters my man-boobs” – Andrew

· “I learned from the best” – Breanne S.

· “Putting the “Ho” back in “Homeboy”” – cinekat

· “What She Doesn’t Know Won’t Hurt Her” – Alison R.

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Posted on December 24, 2020
Bimbettes, Compare/Contrast, Couples, Dildos and Vibrators, Headline Contest Winners, Questions, Store

If Only!

Man: What? Little Richard isn’t gay, is he?
Lady: No, he isn’t gay. Isn’t Little Richard’s daughter Nicole Richie?

–Video store, 14th & Ave A

Overheard by: Such a pretty me baby!

Posted on December 20, 2020
About Celebrities, Gays and Lesbians, Idiots, Questions, Store, Stupidity

Though Some Of the Trimmings Come from Saturn

Man, after looking around store: Where do you get most of your clothes from?
Crazy store owner with face paint on: The moon.
Man: Wait, where?
Crazy store owner with face paint on: Mostly from the moon.

–Clothes Store

Posted on December 20, 2020
Clothing, Crazies, Men, Questions, Store, Weirdness

The One Where Everybody Hates the Girl Chandler’s Fucking

Dude #1: Yeah, man. Not cool.
Dude #2: Dude, why do I always have to be fuckin’ the girl everyone hates?

–Macy’s

Overheard by: good question

Posted on December 7, 2020
Friends, Relationships, Store

Wheresday One-Liners

NYU guy to tourist friends: Well, here's Grand Central!

–Broadway & Waverly

Guy on Sidekick to another: I wasn't sure if he was talking about Buffalo or Baltimore! I mean, I don't even know where Buffalo is! Is it a state?

–1 Train

Overheard by: amalthya

Ditzy girl sobbing on cell: You don't understand! They told me I was supposed to go to Penn Station but I just don't know where that is!

–Penn Station

Overheard by: queenofscots

Guy on cell: I don't get it–why go all the way to Ireland if you're not going to go see Stonehenge?

–Costco, Brooklyn

Girlfriend to boyfriend: Is this Times Square?

–85th & 1st

Overheard by: Special K

Posted on December 6, 2020
Ahhh! Real New Yorkers, All Wednesday One-Liners, Boyfriends, Brooklyn, Couples, Crying, Friends, Girlfriends, Girls, Global Geography, Guys, Lies, NYC Geography, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Only in New York, Penn Station, Questions, Store, Street, Stupidity, The Village, Tourism, Tourists, Travel, U.S. Geography, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners

That’s Not Really By Choice, Fattie

Girl #1: Oh, look! Those clothes are cute. Let’s go look over there.
Girl #2: Those are maternity clothes.
Girl #1: Oh my God, no way!
Girl #2: Yes, see? It says “A Pea in the Pod Maternity Clothes”.
Girl #1: Oh wow, I had no idea!
Girl #2: Yeah, they are.
Girl #1: Well! There isn’t going to be a pea in this pod any time soon, I can tell you that!

–Macy’s

Posted on November 27, 2020
Clothing, Friends, Girls, Idiots, Retail Therapy, Store, Stupidity, Talking/Convos, Wishes & desires