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Wednesday One-Liners Blame Their Mothers

CCNY student: I've always thought he has psychological problems. (pause) Like, he's one of those people that has to flip the light switch 17 times or the whole world dies.

–Hallway, CCNY

Overheard by: ladyliver

Suit on cell: She is trying to get a good education so that she can pay for therapy later on.

–1250 Broadway

Loud male customer counting out packets of chewing tobacco: One! Two! Three! Four! Five! Six! Ever since I quit my job at Sesame Street, I can't seem to live my life. Kermit is my shrink, so of course I'm screwed…

–Smoke Shop, Park Slope

Overheard by: Kiri

Dude hanging up his cell: Oh my god, I think all Jewish girls need therapy.

–Good Stuff Diner, 14th St

Overheard by: Kosi

Suit on cell: Dude, I know, but like, you either get help, or you're normal. (pause) No, dude, pick one, get help or be normal. Damn.

–Port Authority

Overheard by: Sarah

History teacher to class: Does that make you uncomfortable? Because I know I'm mental.

–Bronx High School of Science

Overheard by: Lillian

…Isn't That a Demon??

Tiny elderly woman, angrily: I want some comfortable shoes that I can walk in!
Salesman: Oh, but we have so many…
Tiny elderly woman: I can't decide like that! Brands! Give me one brand!
Salesman: Mephisto.
Tiny elderly woman: No! Not Mephisto!

–Shoestore, W 72nd St

Overheard by: Harriet Vane

Wednesday One-Megapixeliners

Pushy black woman to employee standing next to portrait studio samples: The next time I come in here, I want to see my daughter's picture up here, because she is beautiful.

–K-Mart, 34th St

Overheard by: EthanK

Guy: There were some pictures taken, involving, like, my penis and Caleb's penis and five other guys.

–4th St & 2nd Ave

Girl: Food is overrated, let's just take a picture and leave.

–100th St & Broadway

Hipster punk girl on phone: Hello? (pause) No, but I know a girl if you're looking. She also puts jelly on her toes. (pause) Who? I once sold a semi-nude photo of myself at an art show once. I think Brendan has a copy of it… no one would ever pay to see my feet. But again, I ask, who were you talking to? (pause) Dave was under the impression that I sold pictures of my extremities for money? That's awesome! I'm going to send him a picture of my elbow!

–Union Square

Overheard by: Ayenbird

Guy: The more bodies, the more pictures. That's what I always say.

–14th St & 7th Ave

I Sell Dead People, and I Don’t See Them

Porn man: If you don’t have ID, I can’t let you in.
Minor guy: Man, I can sell pussy, but you won’t let me see pussy?

–Porn store, 42nd between 8th & 9th

Wednesdays Strap on Their One-Liners

Woman walking into apartment building: Why did I get stuck carrying the bag of butt plugs?

–Greenpoint Ave

Hot girl on cell: You won't die if you get stabbed by a dildo. (pause) Well, even if it was a hooker. What did you drink?

–Cook St & Bushwick Ave

Overheard by: cameo

Homie on BlackBerry; No, no, peep this, I said "cock ring" and she says, "like the guy from the OJ trial?" I'm dead serious!

–Rockafeller Plaza

Attractive 20-something to friend: Got hit with a sex toy!

–Pillow Fight, Union Square

Overheard by: Anna P.

Girl to four friends: And then I saw my old wooden dildo. It was wooden!

–37th St & 8th Ave

20-something girl: This is the most exciting thing to happen today! And that's saying something, considering today was a day that included buying sex toys!

–Topshop

Which, in Turn, Reminds Me Of Why I Love You

Girl #1: But I've been eating so much lately!
Girl #2: Rachel. You are not pregnant.
Girl #1: Yes I ammmmm! (flails arms)
Girl #2: This reminds me of the time you were drunk and tried to run into traffic.

–Outside Virgin Records, 14th St

Wednesday One-liners Got a Book Deal

Hipster girl: Oh my god, I knew Art Spiegelman was going to be involved in this story, somehow!

–Barnes & Noble, 66th & Broadway

That Explains All Those Cuts on My Penis!

Dude #1: Oh, The Spiderwick Chronicles is out!
Dude #2 (in awe): Dude, did you see that?
Dude #1: Yeah, it was amazing!
Dude #2: Yeah? How were the graphics?
Dude #1: Dude–amazing!
Dude #2: Dude–you have braces!
Dude #1: Yeah, dude, I told you. God!

–Blockbuster

Overheard by: brianfair

Headline by: mike

Runners-Up:
· “And the Winner for Youngest Bro Of the Week Goes To….” – jumpstop
· “Ashton Kutcher Needs to Stop Producing Reality TV” – D. Emmy
· “Even Siskel & Ebert Had to Start Somewhere.” – space coyote
· “Life Imitates Ashton Kutcher Films…” – Duuude
· “Someone’s Getting Laid Tonight!” – lisa

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Even at Bed, Bath and Beyoobies?

Two-year-old boy, pointing at dinnerware: Boobies?
Mother, pushing him inside shopping cart: No.
Two-year-old boy, pointing at pots: Boobies?
Mother, pushing him inside shopping cart: No.
Two-year-old boy, pointing at woman: Boobies?
Mother, pushing him inside shopping cart: Yes, but that's rude.

–Bed Bath & Beyond

The JDating Of Wednesday One-Liners

JAP girl on line: Why would I be boogieing at temple?

–H&M

Overheard by: Sandjiggie

Redhead JAP: It's too bright, I can't hear you…

–41st & 3rd

JAP: Is saving the whales still, like, a thing?

–F Train

20-something JAP on cell: I mean: I don't want to say that I live in a bubble, but the only people I've spoken to in the last week and a half are you and my doorman.

–42nd St & Lexington

Overheard by: Pete

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