I Knew This Planned Parenthood Internship Would Pay Off

Dude #1: …so do you think I can have dibs on her, or is that not a good idea?
Dude #2: What do you mean?
Dude #1: Well, she had an abortion six weeks ago.
Dude #2: Oh dude, what are you doing!?
Dude #1: Yeah, but can't she not get pregnant because she just had an abortion?
Dude #2: Oh, that's a good point. I don't think that works like that…
Dude #1: But it was six weeks ago.
Dude #2: Oh, I thought you said six months ago! Yeah, man, you got a sweet deal there. I can't believe your luck, where do you keep meeting these women!?

–Bathroom, Fordham University

Overheard by: Martin Van Nostrand

Posted on December 30, 2014
Abortion, Advice, Default, Fordham, Guys, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Questions, Relationships, Stall Spies, Students

The Wednesday One-Liner Monologues

Drunk hipster: Since when did the vagina become the font of all morality?

–110th & Amsterdam

Girl running in pajamas: Oh my god my vagina is so cold!

–50th St & 8th Ave

Overheard by: Matt

Girl proclaiming: I saw the vagina.

–NYU

Acting student: You have a vagina and he’s all into that. I have a penis and he’s not all into that. That’s why you have to do this for me.

–Archbold Theater

Overheard by: nice

Crazy black woman: I know my pussy! You don’t know my pussy! Haha! You can’t say you know my pussy, I know my pussy! Haha, hah! If you can’t find my pussy, you can’t say you’re not too big!

–114th & Broadway

Overheard by: Xiao Hoah Dze

Nondescript guy on cell phone: So, were the vaginas ok?

–55th St & 8th

Posted on December 30, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Compare/Contrast, Crazies, Crazy, Default, Drunks, Gays and Lesbians, Girls, Gripes, Guys, Hipsters, Laughter, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Not New York, NYU, Offers and requests, On Cell, Penis, Questions, Students, Theater, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Vagina, Weather, Women

So I Can Totally Identify

(at an academic conference on Renaissance aesthetics)
Student #1: You know it's gonna be good when all the speakers are British.
Student #2: Pretty sure they're Australian.
Student #1: Oh… Posers!

–Gallatin Building, NYU

Overheard by: harker

Posted on December 27, 2014
Compare/Contrast, Default, Global Geography, Insults, NYU, Students, Washington Square Park

Wednesday One-Liners Don’t Need No Water, Let the Motherfucker Burn!

Girl on cell: So yeah, I was like, ‘That is a great costume,’ and then it set her hair on fire and I was like, ‘That’s gross.’

–CVS, 42nd & 3rd

Crazy hobo: That’s right! Arrest me! I’ll burn half y’all houses down… And set the other half on fire!

–Brooklyn-bound Q train

Overheard by: Incitatus

Pseudo-intellectual: She called me and told me there was a bonfire in her ovaries.

–MacDougal Street Ale House

Overheard by: Ladle

Creepster: Come here… You don’t wanna know what I’m on right now. If you come home with me, I will light you on fire.

–Columbus Ave

Concerned NYU girl to boyfriend about California wildfires: Do you think Cher’s house burned?!

–Water St dorm, NYU

Overheard by: michael

Posted on December 24, 2014
About Celebrities, Accidents, Bars & Clubs, Body Parts, Compliments, Crazies, Crazy, Creepsters, Default, Fashion, Fire, Girls, Grocery Stores, Health and Hygiene, Hobos, Intelligentsia, NYU, On Cell, On the Subway, Questions, Students, Threats, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Words

Can't I Just Keep Pressing the Dell Symbol?

Blonde college student: Where is the start button?
Guy (pointing to computer CPU on floor and its start button): There you go, it's on there.
Blonde college student: That's so annoying that they put it all the way down there.

–City University of New York

Posted on December 22, 2014
College, Computer, Default, Girls, Gripes, Guys, Questions, Students, Stupidity

Make That “Sorry, My Lord“

Hobo to college kid: Buy me a fish sandwich?
College kid, walking past: Sorry.
Hobo, as kid walks away: I'm Jesus Christ!

–125th St & Broadway

Overheard by: Will T

Posted on December 20, 2014
Food, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Hobos, Homeless, Jesus, Offers and requests, Students

No Wonder He’s Establishment

Professor guy: Why did you decided to take this class?
Student guy: Because I heard you were groovy.
Professor guy: I do not know what this “groovy” is.

–Cantor Film Center, E. 8th Street

Posted on December 20, 2014
Compliments, NYU, School and studying, Students, Teachers/Professors, Words

Welcome to the Dark Semester Of the Soul, Bitches

Professor: Apologies to everyone in advance, I seem to have the plague this week.
Student: Are you contagiously ill, or have you been on antibiotics for at least twenty-four hours?
Professor: No, not contagiously ill. It's nothing like H1N1 or anything, not that kind of plague. It's more of a the-crops-are-failing-and-women-are-giving-birth-to-stillborn-babies type of plague. Yeah.

–Fordham University Lincoln Center

Overheard by: Admiring Student

Posted on December 20, 2014
Apologies, Babies, Compare/Contrast, Death, Fordham, Illness, Medicine, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Questions, Students, Teachers/Professors, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center

Did Wednesday Crawl Up Your One-Liner and Die?

Man on phone: So you know that guy whose mouth I farted in? He was totally at the bar last night.

–4th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: not that guy

Hobo to his dog: Was that you who farted or me? Because I think it was you.

–67th & Amsterdam

NYU kid on cell: No, no, dude! You're not hearing me! I'm telling you that we were playing the game "I never" and the question was "I've never farted in an elevator" …yeah! I know! But here's the thing, dude! She claimed she'd never farted! (laughs) Nooo, dude! You heard me right: Never ever. And I gotta tell you, bro: it's creepin' me out!

–La Guardia b/w Bleecker & Houston

Overheard by: Elevator Bomb Dropper

Jealous guy: I hope her boyfriend farts in her face and she gets pink eye.

–L Train

Woman on cell: Now, honey, tell the truth. Did you fart on Santa's lap?

–Brooklyn Heights

Overheard by: Mike N