Stupidity

But Not for Real

Thug: Hey, man… You look like you’re from California with that hair. Are ya?
Guy with long blond hair: Yes, I am.
Thug: How you like ‘at? I been thinkin’ about movin’ out to California.
Guy with long blond hair: It’s great — people are more real here in New York, though. I used to live in San Francisco, which is a great.
Thug: Oh, how far is San Francisco from California?
Guy with long blond hair: San Francisco is in California.
Thug: Oh, what city is it in?
Guy with long blond hair: San Francisco… Okay, this is my stop.

–Manhattan-bound F train

Overheard by: Dave S

The Mark of the Beast Shall Not Be Torn

Teen boy #1: I want to get a soda but my dollar bill is ripped.
Teen boy #2: Nah chief, it’s okay; you didn’t rip the bar code.

–New Balance Track & Field Center, Washington Heights

Overheard by: bill kearns

What Are You, A Polar Bear?

Lady: Oh, Coca-Cola! I guess you don’t have gastrointeritis!
Girl: Uh, actually I was going to use it to cook.
Checkout guy: Yeah, you can cook with Coke. You don’t have to just drink it.

–Jefferson Market, 6th Avenue

Overheard by: Nicole J

As Long as We Maintain a Sense of Smug Superiority, We’ll Make It

Blonde #1: You know her parents are letting her study abroad next semester?
Blonde #2: Really? Where?
Blonde #1: Ummm, this place that’s near, like… Russia. Like, in China?
Blonde #2: Japan?
Blonde #1: No. Well, yeah, Japan’s in China, but that’s not the one she’s going to.
Blonde #2: India!
Blonde #1: No, but oh my god I totally just remembered! It’s New Zealand!
Blonde #2: New Zealand’s not in Russia, it’s in Australia, stupid.
Brunette passerby: I fear for this planet.

–Astor Place

Overheard by: MistressSilver

The Bronx Zoo’s Most Controversial Exhibit

Chick: Omigod, look, it’s a moose! It’s like, a moose rampant.
Guy: Where? Dude, that’s a rhino.
Chick: No, the moose is next to it.
Guy: It doesn’t look like a moose. It looks like a buck.
Chick: Well, whether it’s a buck or a moose, there should not be a
rhino in that forest.
Guy: Agreed.
Chick: Oh man, now they’re raving!
Bag lady: Excuse me, you got any change?

–125 Street Metro-North station

…Perhaps Reaching for Concealed Weapons

Bartender: Actually, some people are sitting there.
Patron: Well, when they come back, we'll move.
Bartender: They're standing behind you.

–Bar, Theater District

Warning: This freshman class may contain extreme stupidity.

Columbia freshman #1: One time, in high school, I found a bag of peanuts that said ‘May contain peanuts.’
Columbia freshman #2: Why, are you allergic?

–Duane Reade, 111th and Broadway

Overheard by: Fudd

Here's Forest Whitaker to Explain

Park Slope mom #1: I'm going to be honest. We have night birds near my house.
Park Slope mom #2: Oh my god! Us too! I tried to report it!
Park Slope mom #1: Why are these birds chirping at night? Don't they need to sleep?

–Park Slope

Overheard by: D-Law

Wednesday One-Liner: The Musical

Girl to class: I love classical music! I listen to the Bambi soundtrack all the time!

–Curtis High School, Staten Island

Guy in lobby, at intermission: Hands down, the best band I've ever seen in concert… Hootie and the Blowfish.

–Jazz at Lincoln Center

Guy on cell: I guess they're musicians. They put bitches ahead of practice.

–79th St b/w York & 1st

Overheard by: Queixa

Gay man to another, walking out of a bank: I mean, if you listen to like, one Sade song every six years, it's okay.

–15th St & 8th Ave

Lesbian: Fuck her! All she wants to do is stay home and sit in the kitchen and drink beer and listen to Melissa Etheridge! Fuck her! She can take a cab home!

–Staten Island

Overheard by: Kateri

Straight girl with a seat at the piano: No, I've never been here before, but I'm actually having a good time. I mean, I don't know most of these songs, but earlier he was playing The Sound of Music, and I was rocking out to that.

–Marie's Crisis Piano Bar

Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster

Crazy old cat lady to guy who just shut off obnoxiously loud music in next lane: Why'd you shut it off? I liked that song!

–Marathon Parkway & Northern Boulevard

My Guess? Lonely Man Mails Self Open Parcel

Guy: Why is that package open?
Clerk: I can’t open it.
Guy: It’s already opened, why is it open?
Clerk: Sir, I’m not allowed to open it. If you want it, sign the card.
Guy: I want to know why it’s open, is anything in it?
Clerk: I can’t open it.

3 minutes of this ensue.

Guy: Just give me the stupid package.
Clerk: Why are you still talking?

–Sunnyside post office

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