Teens

The Rectitude Of Wednesday One-Liners

Teenage girl to friend: I'm not even kidding, her asshole was *this* big! (connects her thumbs and pointer fingers making a large circle)

–Central Park Zoo

Overheard by: soccer mom

Female suit to friends: And the old-timers were just such assholes…

–Walker & W Broadway

Overheard by: j

Big squirming Latin kid: God! I got this burnin' in my asshole, man!

–Xavier High School

Overheard by: seriously?

Concerned friend to sobbing girl: All you did wrong was sleep with him before you knew he was an asshole!

–Coffeeshop, Park Slope

Overheard by: TheGreenCat

The Mystical Connection Between Work and Money

Whining teen girl: Why is the train so crowded this early in the morning?
Teen boy: I dunno.
Whining teen girl: Oh, I bet it's cuz Thursday is pay day. That must be it.
Teen boy: Yeah, that makes sense.

–L Train

Overheard by: Cindy Davis

Who Else Here Misses 'Boy Meets World'?

Teenage girl: Do you want to come?
Teenage boy: I want to come in your mouth.

–Broadway & 14th St

Overheard by: casey

Headline by: Postteen

Runners-Up:
· “A Young Christina Aguilera Gets Inspired” – PeterR
· “I’m Saving That Honour For Edward Cullen” – wirrrn
· “Just Let Me Take My Retainer Out This Time” – tatts
· “Oh, You Just Got Uninvited” – Stephanie Goe
· “Today’s ESL Class: Resolving Ambiguity With Prepositional Phrases” – Rionn Fears Malechem

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

If Everyone Could Sit Down and Fasten Their Seat Belts, We’re About to Enter a Dogfight

Mother: Oh my god! I just saw a bird fly by the window! Isn’t that neat?
Teen: Don’t be ridiculous, Mom. Birds can’t fly that fast. It was probably a bullet.

–LaGuardia

Though, to Be Fair, on the Way Here a Hobo Spit on Me.

Bratty kid to mother: I hate this! I'd rather we went to the zoo instead.
Unrelated older teenage girl: I'd rather be here than have a llama spit on me at the zoo.

–Museum of Natural History

Overheard by: KJPepper

Someone Needs to Hire a Closet Organizer

Black teen boy #1: I think that dude is gay. His brother said that he saw him in the backyard with this other dude, who pulled his pants down and started jerking it right there.
Black teen boy #2: I don’t want to hear this.
Black teen boy #1: No, so this dude’s jerking off, and when he finally finishes, he shoots it right at the other dude.
Black teen boy #2: I told you, I don’t want to hear this.
Black teen boy #1: No, so he’s totally gay, because instead of beating him up, you know what he did?…No, instead of beating him up for shooting his shit on him, he pulled down his pants and peed on him.
Black teen boy #2: You are embarrassing yourself.
Black teen boy #1: That’s just what his brother told me.

–Q train

Woman: Okay, maybe your cousin’s not gay…but he’s more in touch with his inner faggot than any straight man I’ve ever known.

–Key Food, 4th & A

Teen girl #1: So she hooked up with him, and then a few months later he came out that he’s gay! So she hooked up with a gay guy!
Teen girl #2: Big deal, I’ve hooked up with like 3 gay guys.

–2 train

Guy #1: You know, I’m really into the color purple lately. Does that mean I’m gay?
Guy #2: Nah, purple’s all right with me.
Guy #1: Maybe it’s because of my childhood crush on Whoopi Goldberg.

–Essex & Houston

Guy #1: I’m not gay, dude.
Guy #2: Yes you are. I see you giving me those looks at work.
Guy #1: You know what? You’re right. So right here, right now, in front of God and the N train, will you go out wih me?
Guy #2: Shit man, I was kidding. You really are a fag.

–N train

Overheard by: Lydia Melamedas

California Raisins for Brains

Teen girl #1: Yeah, it’s totally true. I heard it on the olive branch.
Teen girl #2: “Olive branch”?
Teen girl #1: Yeah, you know. It’s going around…It’s a rumor. The olive branch.
Teen girl #2: You mean the grape branch?

–LaGuardia

Overheard by: rebecca

Wasn’t There Some Kind Of Angel with a Turkey Baster?

Teen girl: You know what I don’t get?
Preppy friend: What?
Teen girl: If Mary was a virgin, how did she get pregnant?
Preppy friend: Uh…I think a white dove came down and landed on her.
Teen girl: … And where did it land?
Preppy friend: On her shoulder.
Teen girl: So a dove–
Preppy friend: A white dove. Impregnated mary on her shoulder. Yeah.
Teen girl: Who told you that?
Preppy friend: Sara, in Geometry.
Teen girl: … Sara is Jewish, you idiot!

–McDonald’s, Park Ave

Tonight on 16 and Stupid

Teenage boy #1: She had a hot body when I started fucking her, and now she lost it from having a baby!
Teenage boy #2: I never had to deal with that dilemma. Everyone I ever fucked already had babies before I got around to it.

–Brooklyn

And Those Halloween Tea-and-Torah Parties Are No Fun at All

Teen girl #1:The guy with the blond hair, is he English?
Teen girl #2: No, he’s Jewish.
Teen girl #1: I hate Halloween.

–CVS, 4th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: johnozed

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