The Village

Dating in NYC: A Short Story

Asian chick #1: The thing is, he’s a Jewish guy? And like, ya know, a lot of Jewish guys are in to Asian girls?
Asian chick #2: Yeah?
Asian chick #1: Yeah. I think it’s like because, like, both cultures are so, like, into family? Like Jews are really into family and Asians are really into family?
Asian chick #2: Yeah.
Asian chick #1: But also? I think he kind of has an Asian fetish?
Asian chick #2: I hate that.
Asian chick #1: Yeah. He’s like…ya know. A nerdy Jewish guy who likes to date Asian girls?
Asian chick #2: Yeah.
Asian chick #1: Yeah, but he’s really cute in that way that he’s nerdy but he loves Asian girls?
Asian chick #2: Yeah.

–N/R 8th street station

Imagine How Rude People Would Be Without the Courtesy Cops

Hobo, eating a chicken kebab: I want me some pussy. I don’t care where it’s from. I just really want me some pussy to fuck. I wanna make her pussy go (sticks tongue out of mouth) pfffffffff.
Girl on street: Alright. That’s enough.

–W 4th & Broadway

Overheard by: KTandSheila

It Took Him 50 Years, But He Got Her to Leave Scientology

Old man: No. Do not do that.
Old woman: I’m not! I’m really not!
Old man: Looking for the truth? That’s for idiots. That’s for morons. Trying to take the facts into your own hands? That’s for idiots. Don’t do it.
Old woman: I know! I’m not!

–14th & 6th

“Only if you go to the right sites.”

Little boy: Mom, can I download you?

–Barnes & Noble, Astor Place

Then Why's That Guy Sashaying?

Concerned girl crossing street: But the light says “Don't walk”!
Amused friend: Right…so we run!

–Broadway & Houston

Overheard by: I was sauntering, personally

How Jared Was Shamed Into Living

Kid on cell: I am about to kill myself because of you!
Hobo in wheelchair: Do it! Do it! You haven’t got the balls!

–Prince between Mulberry & Mott

Overheard by: Hashashin

Rat: I'll Be With You Forever, Too

Guy #1: Wow, did you see that rat? Where did it come from?
Guy #2: It came out of nowhere, just like my herpes.

–Prince Street & 6th Ave

Wednesday Bites the Big One-Liner

Teen scene girl: And that's a whole fucking different story! You always said you wanted to die having a heart attack in a car!

–57th & 3rd

Overheard by: Duluthian

Guy in line: I haven't had a corn dog since Jim Belushi died.

–Nathan's, Coney Island

Creepy guy on cell: Hey. Did you hear about the Craigslist killer? Yeah, isn't that a great idea?

–Penn Station

20-something irritated man on cell: Dude, stop freaking out! They're probably not going to do the autopsy for another three days.

–8th Ave & 15th St

Conductor: Please, no one cross cars, if the train makes a turn you will fall through, get crushed and die, thank you and have a lovely evening. Oh, and it's lovely to be alive.

–Amtrak Train to Penn Station

Overheard by: Paige

Raise Your Hand If You'd Prefer a Job You Didn't Have to Think Much About

Guy: Yeah, my goal is to work at the Nike factory.
Girl: That's your goal!? Like in life!?

–Bleecker & Carmine

Overheard by: Jacob

Wednesday One-liners Watch VH1

Drunk guy: You’re not the boss of me…Bruce Springsteen is the boss of me.

–The Red Lion, Bleecker Street

Guy: Seriously. Puff’s attorney called me the other day to say Puff wants me to sign a confidentiality agreement. Puff doesn’t want me to disclose that he is the seller. I said to tell Puff that he’s the one who has to sign a confidentiality agreement. If the boys at Goldman find out who I am buying from, my credibility is going to be shot forever.

–Anotheroom, West Broadway

Overheard by: Big Lex

Paralegal lady on phone: And I thought to myself, “She looks so familiar, who is she?” Queen Latifah’s mother!…No, mangos.

–Office, 50th & 6th

Girl: Well, if he’s cranking the bass on a Dixie Chicks song at 2AM on a Monday at a bear bar to sell beer to lesbians he has much bigger problems than he knows.

–The Dugout, Christopher Street

Chick: If we see Robbie Williams tonight, I’m gonna die.

–30th & Park

Hipster guy: Yeah and what’s with Simon Cowell? That guy is like the Grinch Who Stole Everything Else.

–Abbey Bar, Williamsburg

Overheard by: Spyridon Panousopoulos

Guy: You know you have reached the lowest point of all human existence when there’s a telethon featuring only John Denver music.

–2nd between A & B

Overheard by: djlindee

Guy: God, I love going to Galapagos. You always run into all the right people there. You know, all the people that you haven’t seen since that last Yeah Yeah Yeahs show?

–L train

Overheard by: Shannon

Woman on cell: Remember that handsome lawyer who took me out to dinner the other night? Yeah, well, he gave me an STD. It reminded me of a song.

–14th & 6th

Professor guy: Billy Joel, wow. He’s got about 10 shows coming up. I bet the stage production budget is through the roof. I’d drive a car onto stage…and smash it into a tree.

–Fordham University, Rose Hill

Overheard by: Jess McGins

Woman: Brian Wilson beat me right the hell up right there; right the hell up!

–43rd between 8th & 9th

Overheard by: Ryan Duncan

Old woman: Oh, is Lil’ Kim in jail?

–7th & Bleecker

Overheard by: Sarah Doogs

Dude: I was listening to a DMX record the other day, and if that
guy’s telling the truth, he’s lived quite a life.

–Gee Whiz Restaurant, Greenwich Street

Overheard by: Matthew Alhonte

Asian guy: The time has come fo’ mad hip-hop.

–Go Sushi, St. Marks Place

Overheard by: Alyson Leigh

Crazy lady: Excuse me…Excuse me…Have you heard of a band called “The Diarrheas”? From Washington, DC! With Hillary and…Chuck! Like from Friday the 13th? Do you think they’ll be successful?

–11th between 52nd & 53rd

Third floor window guy: Hey fuck you, I don’t need you telling me that you are cooler than me, I saw the Ramones in ’83!…Fuck you, your not cooler than me, I saw Fugazi’s first show, I saw Minor Threat. What is your fucking claim to fame, seeing the White Stripes?

–Rivington & Stanton

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