Tourism

Woman on cell: I can't come. I'm in the Poconos right now.

–Rite Aid, The Bronx

Punk girl on phone: Hi mom…yeah… Yeah, me and Jane are just walking around in the neighborhood… Yeah, we're at the Time Warner center right now. No! No, of course I'm not on St. Mark's. No. I'd never go there. Of course I'm sober! Why wouldn't I be? Yeah. Okay, love you, bye! (hangs up phone, now to friend with beer) Gimme some of that!

–St. Mark's Place

Russian guy on phone (in Russian): Yeah, I'm on Avenue M. I just got off, I'll be there in a few.

–Q Train, Kings Highway

Overheard by: Robert

Dude on cell: Yo! What's up? I'm waiting at LaGuardia.

–Martin Luther King High School

Overheard by: Susan Volchok

Guy on cell: Yeah, I'm on Long Island right now. I'll be here for a little while.

–Park Slope

Female suit on phone: I have to cancel dinner tonight, I had that meeting I told you about, remember? And I'm still not back yet. Yeah. Yeah, I'm in Jersey still.

–Washington Square Park

Woman on cell outside a pub: Honey? It's mommy. We're still at the hospital. I don't know, we could still be here for hours.

–1st & 72nd

Overheard by: Well, there were hospitals nearby, at least

Street promoter: Yo, do you like rap music?
Teenage Tourist: I’m from the South.

–Times Square

British tourist to passing New Yorker: Excuse me, could you please tell me where…
New Yorker, walking briskly: Fuck off! I got problems of my own!

–E 77th & 2nd

Overheard by: D M A

Tourist girl, Pointing at a set of glass windows: Hey, isn’t that where Carson Daly lives?

–Times Square

Overheard by: Max Bivona

Man on subway, about to exit: Obama, Islam, Canada. Obama, in Islam, and Canada. (exits train)

–Downtown D Train

Overheard by: katiekatydid

Thug to tourists: How do you say "thank you" in Canadian?

–34th & 7th Ave

Overheard by: Fluent in Canadian

Student: I'm so sick and tired of your Canadian condescension.

–Eugene Lang College

Crazy Brooklynite at a payphone: The Queen owns everything! She owns Europe, she owns Africa, and she owns Canada! The one thing she doesn't own is the US. So could somebody give me a US quarter for a Canadian quarter?

–Broadway & 8th St

Ditzy blonde to another: Do we look Canadian?

–Chelsea

Overheard by: Holls

Dumb tourist: Excuse me, am I heading toward the Empire State Building?
New Yorker: No, you're in Brooklyn!
Dumb tourist: So… Does that mean I'm really far off?

–Park Slope

Girl: So, what do you want to do?
Tourist guy: I want to meet a famous person!
Guy: I’m sure we can get some tickets to MTV or something.
Tourist guy: No, I wanna see them on the street and be like “Hey. You!” and have them turn around and be like “*gasp* Woah” and I’d be like “Woah”.

–1 Train

Overheard by: teehee

Tourist, to man handing out fliers: Thank you very much but I don’t need one.
Passerby: Tourists are fucking weird.

–Grand Central

Tourist backpacker with hands on subway doors: Do these open on their own?

–1 Train

Tourist mom to uncool son: Well, that's what you get for trying to be a hipster!

–Union Square Park

Overheard by: j

Tourist: Holy moly, look at that Olive Garden! It's huge! I wish I lived here!
(takes a picture of the restaurant)

–Times Square

Obese Midwestern woman to obese Midwestern man: Oooh, Applebee's… Now I feel at home here!

–Times Square

Southern tourist guy: I thought people in Greenwich Village would look stranger.

–Bleecker Street

Tourist from west coast, after observing the locals for a few innings: You know, Seinfeld makes so much more sense to me now.

–Cheap Seats, Coney Island Cyclones

Overheard by: Kevin Eliasen

Southern tourist #1: Oh my god! Look! It’s Junior’s Cheesecake!
Southern tourist #2: Oh yeah! I’ve heard of them. They serve it at the Cheesecake Factory!

–Minskoff Theatre

Overheard by: Renee