Better-Off Wednesday One-Liners

Irate quasi-thug on cell: Do you value your life? Do you want to die? No, I ain’t threatenin’ you. You can’t play with a man’s emotions like that. No. Do you want to die? I’m just asking… Do you want to die? I– [second party hangs up].

–Metro-North

Overheard by: Mikey G

Crazy crackhead: I am not your average crackhead — I will kill you!

–Lenox & 118th

Lady: And the rest are buried in the… front lawn.

–Columbus Park

Overheard by: Bitch that shit ain’t right!

Puerto Rican guy: I don’t have to! The only thing I have to do is be Puerto Rican and die, because you know I don’t pay taxes!

–R train

Irish construction worker: I’m telling you, she had a clit like a dead turkey’s neck.

–LIRR to Huntington

Overheard by: Laffer

Checkout lady: If anyone tries to get in line behind you, kill ’em.

–Costco, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Rich Mintz

Nerd to another: It’s better to just fake your own death and live your life on an island somewhere.

–Broadway & Duane

Overheard by: Ronzoni

Posted on December 6, 2006
All Wednesday One-Liners, Death, Threats, Violence, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Just Be Crippled So You’ll Need Me

Blond: You need to go jump off this balcony right now.
Brunette: It’s the first floor!
Blond: Good, ’cause then you’ll just break your leg. I love you, I don’t want you to die!

–80th & Amsterdam

Posted on December 3, 2006
Advice, Body Parts, Friends, Girls, Idiots, Stupidity, Talking/Convos, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Violence

Funny how ‘Bitch’ Is Worse than Mother Sex

Hobo: Fuck you, you shits, you fucking assholes. I’m going to fucking kill you! Fuck you! Fuck you bitches! Fuck you and your mothers!
Queer #1: Oh no. No you did not just call me a bitch. You crazy homeless fuck.
Queer # 2: Mhm, get sassy on this bitch. Bitch deserves to be homeless. He should just shut his mouth and keep it movin’.

–Sheridan Square

Posted on November 7, 2006
Anger Management, Hobos, Manhattan, Moms, Murder, Names, Parents, People, Places, Queers, Sex, The Village, Topics, Violence

The Terms of His Parole Require All the Residents of Manhattan to Hit Him

Hispanic thug #1: You have to hit a kid to teach him respect.
Hispanic thug #2: That doesn’t work
Hispanic thug #1: Sure it does, remember when I stole that stuff when I was younger and dad hit me? That taught me the respect that I needed not to steal
Hispanic thug #2: You still steal.
Hispanic thug #1: Yeah, but not from my family.

–Downtown 4

Posted on October 28, 2006
Family Ties, Kids, Latinos, On the Subway, Thievery, Thugs, Violence

Our Product Regrew Wednesday One-Liners in Four Out of Five Users

Straight guy: I need to change my hair. Four out of five girls with that bachelorette party last night thought I was gay.

–LIRR

Overheard by: Phil

Guy: Listen, it’s not hair replacement. It’s a system.

–Sterling & 7th, Park Slope

Overheard by: A White Bear

White guy: Yeah, and I ripped out her weave.. it was awesome!

–14th & 5th

Overheard by: Amelia D

Hobo: All Democrats must have pink hair, by mandate of the homeless Republican!

–12th & 6th

Overheard by: theNJl

Ghetto girl: She wanted to charge me $400 for my hair. She was gonna charge me by the pound! Who charges for hair by the pound? I could get my homegirl to do it for $20. Never buy your hair from someone in the ‘hood!

–5 train, 125th St

Overheard by: La Liz

Bald queer: Oh, now I have to do my hair again. It’s so difficult to keep my hands out of it!

–Elevator, 1250 Broadway

Posted on October 25, 2006
All Wednesday One-Liners, Celebrations/Parties, Compare/Contrast, Gays and Lesbians, Gender issues, Hair, Money & Class, Politics, Violence, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary, Words

Conversation on the Six-of-the-Best Train

Disproportionately hot nerd girl: You know, I was scarred by a guy once. It was on a fur rug. With a knife.
Attractive nerd guy: Wow. Real fur?
Disproportionately hot nerd girl: Real knife too. Very ‘Kushiel’s Dart’ sort of moment.
Attractive nerd guy: He must have thought you were pretty special, I mean, what do you have to do to get blood out of fur? I’m guessing it’s dryclean only.
Disproportionately hot nerd girl: Anyway that was my first, and only, foray into S&M. After that I stuck to D&D.

— 6 Train

Overheard by: Scott Gresham

Posted on October 20, 2006
Dorks, Geeks and Nerds, Kink, On the Subway, Violence

Dear Diary, I Hang Out in Times Square Every Night and Still Can’t Manage to Get Raped! Tomorrow I’ll Try the Bronx

College guy: You know, I asked Hannah out sophomore year.
College girl: Really? Did she say yes?
College guy: Nah, she said I was like a brother to her.
College girl: Yeah, you’re like a brother to me, too, but a brother I know would probably rape me if given the right chance.
College guy: Nah.
College girl: What? Are you serious?
College guy: Yeah! Why?
College girl: I don’t know. I figured you’d at least try. You could at least pretend to want to.

–Times Square

Overheard by: Amused high school student

Posted on October 17, 2006
Dating, Students, Times Square, Violence

Seniors: Someone’s Already Gotten to This Guy. He Can Barely Think Straight!

Ghetto guy: They got Freshman Friday at my school.
Ghetto girl: What’s Freshman Friday?
Ghetto guy: That’s when they fuck up the freshmen.
Ghetto girl: You a freshman!
Ghetto guy: So? They ain’t gonna grab me…I’m gonna…Whatever.

–Bronx bound 1 Train

Overheard by: Krisztina

Posted on October 15, 2006
Ghetto Chicks, Guys, On the Subway, School and studying, Violence, Words

Good Samaritan Laws Have Yet to be Enacted in the Subway

Man, boarding downtown E: This is the downtown E?
Woman: Yes.
Man: You sure?
Woman: I’m positive.
Man: Aight, ’cause if those numbers start gettin’ bigger, yo head gonna get bigger, bitch.

–E train, 42nd St

Overheard by: Ivan

Posted on October 3, 2006
Body Parts, Crime and Punishment, Directions, Manhattan, Men, On the Subway, People, Places, Threats, Topics, Travel, Violence, Women

Violence