Dude #1: You have to make a decision — between the girls you want to fuck, the girls you want to kill, and the girls you want to marry.
Dude #2: Yeah…
–East Houston
Dude #1: You have to make a decision — between the girls you want to fuck, the girls you want to kill, and the girls you want to marry.
Dude #2: Yeah…
–East Houston
Activist: Would you like to take a stand against gender-based violence?
Man: No thanks, I’m all set.
–Times Square
Overheard by: Jujubee
Queer: And my boyfriend like, totally, oh my god, reached across the table… Like, across the table and strangled me. I seriously couldn’t breathe. Like, he strangled me. Here, put down your coffee, he did this [reaches across table and strangles ghetto black man]. Isn’t that crazy? Like, what the fuck would you do?
Ghetto black man: Poop.
–Starbucks, 16th St & 8th Ave
Overheard by: Erica
Man hitting woman next to him: Do you like that when I do it to you?
Woman, hitting man back: No!
Man, hitting woman again: If you don’t like it when someone does it to you, don’t do it to other people.
Woman, hitting man again: Don’t touch me! You were asleep, leaning on me!
Man: You ain’t cute! I wasn’t tryin’ to cop no feels!
–Manhattan-bound A train
Overheard by: courtenay
Irate quasi-thug on cell: Do you value your life? Do you want to die? No, I ain’t threatenin’ you. You can’t play with a man’s emotions like that. No. Do you want to die? I’m just asking… Do you want to die? I– [second party hangs up].
–Metro-North
Overheard by: Mikey G
Crazy crackhead: I am not your average crackhead — I will kill you!
–Lenox & 118th
Lady: And the rest are buried in the… front lawn.
–Columbus Park
Overheard by: Bitch that shit ain’t right!
Puerto Rican guy: I don’t have to! The only thing I have to do is be Puerto Rican and die, because you know I don’t pay taxes!
–R train
Irish construction worker: I’m telling you, she had a clit like a dead turkey’s neck.
–LIRR to Huntington
Overheard by: Laffer
Checkout lady: If anyone tries to get in line behind you, kill ’em.
–Costco, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Rich Mintz
Nerd to another: It’s better to just fake your own death and live your life on an island somewhere.
–Broadway & Duane
Overheard by: Ronzoni
Blond: You need to go jump off this balcony right now.
Brunette: It’s the first floor!
Blond: Good, ’cause then you’ll just break your leg. I love you, I don’t want you to die!
–80th & Amsterdam
Hobo: Fuck you, you shits, you fucking assholes. I’m going to fucking kill you! Fuck you! Fuck you bitches! Fuck you and your mothers!
Queer #1: Oh no. No you did not just call me a bitch. You crazy homeless fuck.
Queer # 2: Mhm, get sassy on this bitch. Bitch deserves to be homeless. He should just shut his mouth and keep it movin’.
–Sheridan Square
Hispanic thug #1: You have to hit a kid to teach him respect.
Hispanic thug #2: That doesn’t work
Hispanic thug #1: Sure it does, remember when I stole that stuff when I was younger and dad hit me? That taught me the respect that I needed not to steal
Hispanic thug #2: You still steal.
Hispanic thug #1: Yeah, but not from my family.
–Downtown 4
Straight guy: I need to change my hair. Four out of five girls with that bachelorette party last night thought I was gay.
–LIRR
Overheard by: Phil
Guy: Listen, it’s not hair replacement. It’s a system.
–Sterling & 7th, Park Slope
Overheard by: A White Bear
White guy: Yeah, and I ripped out her weave.. it was awesome!
–14th & 5th
Overheard by: Amelia D
Hobo: All Democrats must have pink hair, by mandate of the homeless Republican!
–12th & 6th
Overheard by: theNJl
Ghetto girl: She wanted to charge me $400 for my hair. She was gonna charge me by the pound! Who charges for hair by the pound? I could get my homegirl to do it for $20. Never buy your hair from someone in the ‘hood!
–5 train, 125th St
Overheard by: La Liz
Bald queer: Oh, now I have to do my hair again. It’s so difficult to keep my hands out of it!
–Elevator, 1250 Broadway
Disproportionately hot nerd girl: You know, I was scarred by a guy once. It was on a fur rug. With a knife.
Attractive nerd guy: Wow. Real fur?
Disproportionately hot nerd girl: Real knife too. Very ‘Kushiel’s Dart’ sort of moment.
Attractive nerd guy: He must have thought you were pretty special, I mean, what do you have to do to get blood out of fur? I’m guessing it’s dryclean only.
Disproportionately hot nerd girl: Anyway that was my first, and only, foray into S&M. After that I stuck to D&D.
— 6 Train
Overheard by: Scott Gresham
