Work Day One-Liners

Postal worker to another: Oh, no, don't worry. You do what you want. It is impossible for them to fire you, girl.

–Tompkins Square Park

Mr. Big, sarcastically on cell: Is there anything else that I can do for you, honey, while I'm out making a living?

–First Class Cabin, American Airlines

Overheard by: Frequent Flyer

Scruffy drunk hipster guy to frumpy drunk hipster girl: That's how girls touch me… at work.

–Cobble Hill Brooklyn

Guy on cell: I really need to give up drugs cause, like, no one will hire me. I'm gonna wait a few weeks and try to get a job at Food Emporium.

–Astor Place

20-something girl to another: See, the thing with sweatshops is, at least they have jobs.

–Chelsea

Overheard by: arielle

Well-dressed gay man to another: Doesn't she know the best part of her job is going through the OfficeMax catalogue to order matching office supplies? That should be the highlight of anyone's day!

–E Train

Overheard by: lk

Posted on February 12, 2015
Airports, All Wednesday One-Liners, Alphabet City, Brooklyn, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Compare/Contrast, Coworkers, Drugs, Drunks, Girls, Guys, Hipsters, Jobs & Careers, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Parks, Promiscuity, Queer guys, Questions, Stupidity, Union Square and East Village, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Do Those One-Liners Go All the Way Up to Your Wednesday?

Lady to another: I'm waxing my crotch whether he likes it or not!

–52nd & Madison

Overheard by: someguyslikethejungle

Preteen: Yo, she bit Mark's crotch!

–66th & Broadway

Overheard by: dan

Girl to another: I don't think he'd like your stiletto heel in his actual crotch. Oh, now your twat is all over the place.

–Olivebridge

Man on cell, noticing, "The Big Penis Book": Hey, I'm at this bookstore and they have this big book of penises… Oh, you have it already? The big book, with the pink cover and crotch on the front? Oh, okay, cool.

–Bookstore, Brookyln

Bimbo: Crotches are always wrong!

–American Apparel Store

Posted on February 12, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Bimbettes, Books & Writing, Brooklyn, Girls, Kick, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, One-liners, Penis, Private Parts, Shoes, Store, Tweens, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Vagina, Violence, Waxing, Wednesday One-Liners, Women

A Matter of Life and Wednesday One-Liners

Asian chick: I guess upstate is just one big… thing. And the people up there are, like, robots. They have so many rules… And what are they for? I mean, they’re to kill people… And I am anti-violence.

–NYU bus

Overheard by: Moose

Crazy lady to frustrated friends: All she needs to do is fucking die, okay?

–Woodside Station

Overheard by: Jesse

NYU student: Last time I did the Ouija board it told me I was going to die… Then it turned out to be right.

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: only cats have nine lives

Conductor: The consequence of using a cell phone in the quiet car is… the death penalty.

–Amtrak to Boston

Five-year-old boy: But Dad, it was a dead gypsy!

–Washington & Rector

Middle-aged woman to younger woman, matter-of-fact: … And it’s not like you meant to kill her. You were just fooling around.

–E 12th St, between 5th Ave & University Pl

Overheard by: Liz A

Posted on February 11, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Death, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday One-Liners Are Not Kosher

Lady yuppie: I’m going to be in Williamsburg in half an hour. There’s a pig I need to buy. Wanna get a drink?

–12th St & 7th Ave

Fancy lady on cell: Hey, Andrea, it’s me. Just wanted to see how you were doing… And if you got a new pig… Call me back!

–4th St, between 1st Ave & Ave A

Overheard by: queemy’s mommy

Drunk guy: I basically had pigs eating shit out of my ass!

–4th St & 1st Ave

Posted on February 10, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Kink, Offers and requests, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary, Weirdness

Wednesday One-liners Drop Names

Chick: Amerigo Vespucci was a cartographer, you whore!

–14th & B

Overheard by: Djlindee

Man on cell: She has a Waldorfian obsession with keeping children warm. I mean, kids are raised in Norway and Iceland all the time and have nice rosy cheeks.

–Washington Mutual kiosk, Canal Street

Black kid: …yeah, I like Black Rob, but he be using big words…like society.

–1 train

Chick: Everyone thinks Mary’s such a goody-goody…but she won second place in the deep throat contest.

–Washington & Gansevoort

Posted on February 10, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Names, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

It's the Great Wednesday One-Liner, Charlie Brown

Subway girl in Halloween costume: I was thinking about going as Rosie the Riveter, but, like, girly Rosie the Riveter. In shorts.

–A Train

Trying-to-be-hip mom: What are vampires wearing this season?

–Halloween Adventure

Group of kids in costume, chanting: We want more candy! We want more candy! No more apples! No more apples!

–35th Ave & 29th St, Astoria

Overheard by: kathcom

Man dressed up as Michael Jackson on Halloween: I'm the King of pop, man! I'll touch your children! I'll hang your baby off a balcony!

–Downtown 6 Train

Late-night Halloween-reveler man with dirty cotton beard: I'm Santa. I'm drunk and I'm angry. Fuck balls. Reindeer balls.

–Downtown 6 train

Guy dressed as Billy Mays, in loud infomercial voice: Billy Mays here! Sick and tired of waiting for NJ Transit? Next time, drive! For the low, low price of $20 per toll! Just $4.69 per gallon!

–NJ Transit

Overheard by: J. Ra

Old man to another, about Halloween: I love young girls who dress up like pussies.

–Soho

Overheard by: Edan

Posted on February 10, 2015
About Celebrities, All Wednesday One-Liners, Anger Management, Astoria, Clothing, Compare/Contrast, Drinking & Drunk People, Food, Fruit, Girls, Guys, Insults, Kids, Men, Moms, Money & Class, Music, Old People, On the Subway, One-liners, Public Transportation, Questions, Robbing the Cradle, Sexuality, Soho, Street, Stupidity, Trains Not Subway, TV, Vagina, Vampires, Ghouls, and Ghosts, oh my!, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Wednesday One-Liners Gone Wild

College-aged girl, to her friends: We have to make out tonight. And we have to get it on camera.

–Ave A

Overheard by: damnitanyway

Yuppie girl: I felt so uncomfortable so, like, I had to get wasted.

–9th St, Park Slope

Overheard by: Corbin

18-year-old Asian girl: My parents just don’t know me anymore, you know? I’ve changed my last year in New York, you know? Like, I’ve had sex with a lot of people.

–Food Emporium, 50th & 8th

Girl in red leather pants, on cell: Yeah, but you have to bring a leather outfit, otherwise you won’t get any clients. Everyone there is a biker or otherwise they are latex fetishists.

–89th & Broadway

Overheard by: ejuliast

Girl: I used to have two vibrators, but I broke ’em both.

–14th St

Trendy girl on cell: Yeah, so Long Islanders will be there. You know what that means: debauchery…and danger!

–41st & Lex

Girl: He had the nerve to tell me that I had no life. I was like, “I do too have a life! I am drinking constantly!”

—Petite Abeille, Tribeca

Posted on February 9, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Drinking & Drunk People, K-I-S-S-I-N-G, Sex, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Let’s Get It On, Wednesday One-liners

Guy on cell: She is worse than blow, man…I can never have sex with anyone else ever again now that I’ve had a taste of paradise.

–Starbucks, 43rd & 3rd

Chick on cell: So how come you never told me about this other girl you are dating? She’s from work? You have to tell me these things! You can’t just keep this shit from me…wait, so you just fucked her and now it’s over? That’s how it is? Why are you telling me this? You can’t just tell me this!

–Duane Reade, 96th & Broadway

Overheard by: Douglas Dukeman

Chick on cell: I swear to you, Matt was an animal in bed last night, but Kelly was much better.

–72nd & Broadway

Overheard by: Sophia

Posted on February 7, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Infidelity, Promiscuity, Sex, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday One-Liners Live Life on the Edge

Chick on cell: Yeah, but the possibility of being hit by the log is too great… And I don’t know if I want to take that risk.

–Train to Glen Rock

Young suit: I always have problems with zippers. Once, I was putting on my pants and my leg went through the zipper instead of the leg hole. It made a ‘rip’ noise, and then it broke.

–West End Ave

Traffic cop waving cars through pedestrian-flooded intersection: C’mon, c’mon! If they get hit, they get hit.

–34th & 7th

Overheard by: Jobee, a pedestrian

Teen boy: Those signs are idiotic. If the kid runs out in front of your car, you’re going to hit him whether he’s deaf or not!

–Bedford Park, Bronx

Overheard by: Cousin It

Go-go dancer boy: I’m totally the only one who hasn’t fallen off the bar yet.

–Pier 45, Hudson River Park

Overheard by: Palest Girl on the Lawn