Wednesday One-Liners

OCD Wednesday One-Liners

Tourist to family: It seems like all we do in New York is take the subway, eat, and wash our hands.

–6 train, Union Square

Overheard by: Ugly Doll

Man on cell: So what can I say? She’s the carpet cleaner and I’m just cleaning the nozzles.

–14th & 5th

Overheard by: kat(e)

Dude: With all the nasty stuff I have to do, I shower like three times a day… and I still smell.

–Rivington & Essex

Man in beret on cell: I’m going to boil water and put my DustBuster in it… How do you sterilize your DustBuster, darling?

–7th Ave, Park Slope

Overheard by: hazelnavet

Bronx girl: And then she said to me, ‘We need to take showers and wear flashy clothes!’

–6 train

Wednesday One-Liners Embrace the Stereotype

Queer: I don't want someone to fuck me with their stoma!

–11th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Amanda

Gay guy: That girl is such a Rice Krispie.

–Outside Gristedes, Christopher St

Overheard by: McF

Queer on cell: And I said to him, "Take it like the bottom you are!"

–8th St & 23rd St

Gay guy: I just got pounded by the two hottest guys I've ever seen!

–58th & 9th

Gay man (getting his hair cut by another): So we went to Fire Island this weekend and we went to this party. I said, "Patrick, you better pee on Jon right now to mark your territory."

–57th & 7th

Gay man on cell: Oh, morals disappear after 8pm!

–Amsterdam & 83rd

A Wednesday One-liners Short Story

Guy: My wife is just a hoot. She just tries and tries to undermine me.

–Craft, E. 19th Street

Girl: She’s into God and stuff like that. I hate that shit.

–C train

Overheard by: jason steinhauer

Slut: …all I know is that it’s $40,000 and you’ve gotta buy him breakfast in the morning.

–Dock’s Oyster Bar, 40th & 3rd

Overheard by: Greg Rutter

Don’t Hate Wednesday, Hate the One-Liners

Guy with headphones to passerby in the rain: I hate that umbrella! I’m gonna break that umbrella! I’m gonna knock that umbrella out of your hands!

–Union Square

Overheard by: Letting go of the umbrella

Teen boy to another teen boy: I really hate my mom because she grounds me all the time, that’s why I got grounded.

–B44 bus, Nostrand Ave & Ave Y

Overheard by: o_O

JAP: And so he was like, ‘Wanna go make out?’ and I was like, ‘Okay,’ so we did and that was fun or whatever, but I don’t know… We don’t actually like each other at all, we really can’t stand each other.

–The Tea Lounge, 7th Ave, Park Slope

Overheard by: mortalfool411

Black female after being insulted by a Black male clerk in a store: I hate Black people.

–Graham Avenue, Brooklyn

Suit: Fuckin’ guy, that fuckin’ attorney. I hate him. I hate ’em all. Myself too, I shouldn’t have gone to law school. He probably hates himself, unless he’s too fuckin’ stupid to regret it. We’re all a bunch of miserable self-loathing fucks, nobody likes attorneys.

–J & R, Park Row

Crazy yelling bitch: He’s a hater, I’m telling you he’s a fucking hater! What? No I fucking hate him.

–33rd & 8th

Overheard by: devila

Girl on cell: What? With pills? Why’d he do that? Because everyone hates him?

–62nd & 2nd

Overheard by: Ralph

Wednesday Om-Liners

Earth chick on cell: I had meditation and yoga class today. So, if you're coming over tonight we have to have spiritual sex.

–Barnes & Noble

Guy on cell: You're never going to believe this, but I need to tell you anyways. I just did some witchcraft.

–9th St & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: Smoking Student

Yoga teacher: Not being able to do something can teach you a lot about yourself. Like how you're a fucking loser.

–Midtown

Rich white girl with dog in purse: Yeah, so when I went to go buy a dog, I picked Pookie out because he's a Pisces and I'm a Virgo, and that way our personalities will match.

–C Train

Overheard by: evan

White dude to another: I'd like to see what his chi looks like.

–Chinatown

Overheard by: Aileen

Wednesday One-Liners Send Up a Flare

Old lady on cell: Hello? Hello? Yes! I’m here! In Brooklyn!

–Broadway & Fulton

Overheard by: Adam Nathan

Wigger on cell: Yo, Roove, I’m at Pimp Station.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Adam Nathan

Dude on cell: Hey, I’m in New York City. Do you know of any ATMs around New York?

–Penn Station

Overheard by: The Doifter

Girl on cell: Hi, can you hear me? I’m in New York. Yeah, I’m at Macy’s.

–H&M, 34th St

Woman on cell: You’re in the park near the benches? There are tons of benches… That’s like saying you’re in Detroit and you’re near the drugs and violence.

–Washington Square Park

Lady on cell: Uh, yeah… I think I’m in the Empire State Building.

–Observation deck, Empire State Building

Middle-aged woman on cell, picking up after her dog: Actually, I’m in Palm Springs at the moment — I’ll be here for another week.

–Mercer & Spring

Overheard by: Wish I were in Palm Springs

These Are My Wednesday One-Liners, in Whom I Am Well-Pleased

Seated proselytizer: Jesus walked through walls without using the door, and when Jesus touches you, he is inside you and you become like Jesus. So, if you do something to me, I don’t need the police. I can just come to your house, because I can get in without keys.

–1 train

Overheard by: thaler

Mexican preacher: Statistics show one in one person will die.

–Times Square

Overheard by: soccerking3t

Religious nut: You have to accept God! His holy grace! His saving grace! He’s got all kinds of grace!

–Grand Central

Bible-thumper: There’s no way if you wrap citric acid, cola, and carbonation in aluminum foil and stick in in the fridge for a million years it’s ever going to evolve into a Coke!

–Tompkins Square Park

Preacher: The best thing you can have on your resume when you die is not that you went to Harvard, not that you have a Ph.D., but that you have eternal life.

–Staten Island Ferry

Overheard by: God requires a resume?

Love is Strange, Wednesday One-liners

Guy on cell: …and she says, “If you cheat on me, you’ll die, and go to hell and burn.” So I say, “There’s no way I’m going to hell for a bitch. Cause there’s too many of them!”

–Lafayette & Fulton, Brooklyn

Construction worker: Yeah man, I just raw dogged her and ditched!

–Grand & Ludlow

Man on cell: How’s the birthday?…Yeah, big 5-0 for me….Well, I ditched the wife, make more money, and have a 33 year old girlfriend. That’s 50 for ya.

–N train

Overheard by: Doug Gaeta

Guy: Is that her panties or his sock he’s sniffing?

–Mary Boone Gallery, W. 24th Street

Overheard by: Captive 411

Bike girl on cell: Hey, this is Tammy. Yet again you were in my dream. It involved fucking. Call me back.

–Prospect Park

Hipster: Nothing says “I love you” like a cactus.

–52nd & 9th

Overheard by: kath williams

Sometimes, Wednesday One-Liners Are Tough to Swallow

Girl on cell: Five hours later, I was still pulling cum out of my hair!

–13th St

Overheard by: questioning the physics

Drunk girl to drunk guy: I would love to be 5'8", I mean…it's like not tall…but like not short. (four minutes later, screaming) Yeah…like…too much thought is like…bad for you! (later) They should've jerked you off in your sock!

–84th & Amsterdam Ave

One of four middle aged men on a bench: Well, the key is to never swallow the cum, spit the cum out.

–Central Park

Overheard by: Dan

High voiced hobo to teenager: I want you to cum on my face.

–72nd St & Broadway

20-something girl on cell: Oh, you can't carry the microscope with you? Well, if you come here we'll have to forgo the sperm. If I come to visit you, then we can work it into the schedule.

–Ess-A-Bagel

Overheard by: Emma

NYU dude: How do you get cock-blocked while you're jizzing?!

–St. Mark's Place & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: IWasWonderingThatToo

Student, slamming reproductive biology book shut: Sperm! It's everywhere!

–Bobst Library

Overheard by: ttny

She’s Trying to Tell You Something, Wednesday One-liners

Girl: If you ever make me sleep in an ATM vestibule again, I am so dumping you.

–Grand Central

Woman on cell: Yeah, sure, go ahead and break my heart, but don’t keep my CDs.

–3rd & A

Overheard by: Kira

Crying woman on cell: No, I don’t want to do it with you. I just want the money!

–66th & Columbus

Overheard by: Charlie

Chick on cell: Yeah, I was there like you said but he wasn’t there. You said he’d be there!…Well, fuck you too! I’m going to kill you when I get home you motherfuckin’ bastard! You better say goodbye to your balls!…What?…Yeah. Sure. I’m up for some Chinese later…Bye baby…I love you too, pumpkin.

–Canal & West Broadway

Cashier guy: I told you I have a girlfriend, that’s why my face is all scratched up.”

–Home Depot, 59th Street

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