Lady: If you want girls to like you, you need to learn how to be nice to them.
Boy: Okay.
Lady: I’m your teacher. You need to listen to me. You’ve got to open doors for them.
Boy: Uh-huh…
Lady: And you need to stop talking about their breasts!
Boy: All right! I get it!
–Grand Central
Woman: Whoopsie!
Male friend #1, drunk: Whoooopsie!
Male friend #2: So, this train goes to Atlantic Avenue, right?
Woman: Right.
Male friend #2, pulling out mini map: So, we’re here… and Atlantic Avenue is…
Woman, lowering voice: You’re standing too close to that girl.
Male friend #1, drunk: What? No I’m not.
Woman: Yes, you are. You’re right in her face.
Drunk man: Oh, she doesn’t care. She’s Korean.
–Q train
Overheard by: the 6′ tall white girl he was standing WAY too close to
Woman: Do you smell that? That’s the smell of crime and corruption.
Man: That’s the smell of my underwear.
–Union Square
Woman: No more room! Stop pushing! No more room!
Man on platform: Aw, baby, you don’t mean that!
–7 train, 74th St & Roosevelt Ave stop
Overheard by: Peter Holby
Man: You’re not mad at me?
Woman: Nah. I can’t get mad at you, ’cause I look in your face and know you’re not a valiscious person. You don’t mean it. Some people, though — some people are just downright valiscious.
–30th & Madison
Overheard by: Unrelenting Monkey
Woman: You don’t remember me, do you?
Older man: Your face looks familiar…
Woman: You saw me running down the street naked last weekend.
Older man: Why would I remember your face, then?
–Ditmars Blvd, Astoria
Overheard by: Lauren
Tourist girl to another: Oh my god, yes! Yeah, we’ll just walk back. Times Square is like a couple blocks away.
–11th St
Tourist, about Rent: Is this show always about Christmas time? Because I know there are some shows that they update for each season.
–Nederlander Theatre
Tourist lady: Tree! Where are you?
–Rockefeller Center
Overheard by: Robert
Tourist, navigating crowds: Oh my god! I, like, feel like Anne Frank.
–49th & 8th
Overheard by: Claustrophobic
Tourist: Where’s a Duane What’s-his-nuts when you need it?
–45th & 8th
Overheard by: Ben Smith
Tourist girl: … Are we in a dungeon?
–Track 4, Penn Station
Ghetto black chick: I’m Hillary Clinton! Where my niggas at?
–Penn Station
Overheard by: arose
30-ish black woman: She can tell me what book to buy… She can recommend a good bra… But Oprah telling me who to vote for? I don’t think so!
–42nd & 8th
Overheard by: JoBell
Guido: I would blow Al Sharpton to be in my bed right now. I would caress Hillary Clinton’s asshole to be in my bed right now.
–F train
Overheard by: dat wint’ry mix
Hot chick: I mean, I love Bill Clinton, and I would have slept with him even last week, but he’s gone crazy!
–11th & 4th, Park Slope
Overheard by: bemused obama guy
Hobo: Hello! I am running for president! Vote for me and I’ll legalize marijuana! You can marry whoever you wanna!
–Deli, 12th & 6th
Overheard by: Nora, Bianca, and Ethan
Middle-aged white lady: Go Obama! Go Obama! I don’t know what he stands for, but I sure like to look at him!
–31st & Ditmars, Astoria
Overheard by: Scarfish
Black woman to male friend: I just find it ironic that a woman and a black man are running… And I’m going with the white guy.
–Café Mogador, East Village
Angry woman on cell: I don’t care if you are an ordained fucking minister, you can go straight to fucking hell!
–Barnes & Noble, Union Square
Overheard by: Last-minute shopper
Crazy lady into microphone: Just because you don’t do drugs or have sex doesn’t mean you’re not going to hell!
–Subway station, 43rd & Broadway, Times Square
Teacher: Let’s go to hell!
–Stuyvesant High
Hobo: Is this the train to hell? It is! Oh my god, you’re all in purgatory!
–A train, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Geneva
Scruffy artist type, to self: I’m not in hell, I’m in New York. I’m not in hell, I’m in New York…
–Elevator, Bellevue Hospital
Overheard by: David
Man: Does it go in and out?
Woman, walking her dog: The vagina? [Lowers voice] Oh, you mean the dog leash.
–28th & Steinway
Overheard by: coinberg
