Jelly Roll Wednesday One-Liners

Chick: … So she had sex with both Rush Limbaugh and Bernie Kerik? Ewww, I wouldn’t want to be her vagina!

–10 E 53rd St

Overheard by: I thought ewww, too

Fat latina: You mean it don’t shake and jump up and down? Girl, what kinda clit do you have?

–Stanton & Clinton

Old guy sweeping sidewalk: You won’t see me begging for no pussy. No way.

–118th & 5th

Overheard by: robin b

Girl in skirt to boy, both standing in the cold: If you could see my undercarriage right now you would see that it’s quivering.

–21st & Broadway

Guy on cell: Yeah, girl. Well, just wait, ’cause I’m gonna terrorize your pussy tonight.

–Flatbush Ave, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Peter Rice

Lesbian: … So I was like, ‘Fine, bitch. You can shove your own fucking fingers up your own fucking cooch. I’m going to put on my clothes and sit in the corner and change my Facebook status…’

–Restroom, Stuyvesant High School

Teen boy: I ate too much pussy. Now I have pussy poisoning.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: sara swank

Posted on June 23, 2019
About Celebrities, All Wednesday One-Liners, Gays and Lesbians, Masturbation, Politics, Sex, Vagina, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Chicken-Fried Wednesday One-Liners

40-year-old mom: Last year they took the class to a farm in Brooklyn, and he punted a live chicken.

–Christopher St & 7th Ave

Overheard by: confused

Woman in chicken suit handing out flyers: Please take one so I can go home!

–34th St & 7th Ave

Overheard by: Maggie

Girl on cell: … So he was right in the middle of the chicken…

–119th & Broadway

Teen girl: The chickens are gonna kill me, seriously!

–8th & Ocean

Hobo: Do you know how much I regret that? Nobody got AIDS… except the chicken.

–W 4th St subway station

Posted on June 22, 2019
All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

The Little Wednesday One-Liner That Could

Cheerful female conductor: This is the express train. That means it's not not not not not not not the local train. Don't screw up.

–Metro-North Rail

Overheard by: Lynne

Conductor: Behold! This is Woodside! Change here for the former Shea Stadium, now Mets-Willets point. Have a great time!

–LIRR

Conductor: After Syosset, the next stop will be express, directly to Hunters Point Avenue. Do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars.

–LIRR

Overheard by: morningcommute

Conductor: There is an uptown express train across the tracks. When the doors open, get off if you want to get off. Don't just stand there looking at it.

–Uptown 6 Train

Overheard by: Julie

Conductor, as doors open for passengers: Ladies and gentlemen, we know you've been waiting a long time for a train… (doors close abruptly) Wait for another.

–Q Train

Posted on June 13, 2019
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Comebacks, Conductors, Directions, Money & Class, On the Subway, One-liners, Only in New York, Passengers, Public Transportation, Subway conductors, Time, Trains Not Subway, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Wednesday One-Liners Call It “Extreme Sharing”

20-something hipster to friend, punching him in the arm: Dude, you stole my Facebook status!

–Central Park

Overheard by: dude, just think up a new one!

Cable man to another, standing in line at Wendy's: Yeah, I was across the street at Popeyes, but it looked like some man was going to rob the place, so I came here instead.

–Flatbush & Ocean Parkway, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Anna

Crazy lady to pigeon: Get outta here! You ain't gonna get none if you beg. You gotta wait for me to give it to you. (throws bread in other direction) That's why you ain't get none. (a few minutes later, she gets up to leave) Alright. It's been real. Thank for not stealing my potato chips.

–Tribeca Park

Four-year-old boy to mom: Mom, when you take chips from my bag without asking, you're stealing. We talked about this. We talked about this at length.

–Uptown 3 Train

Overheard by: This girl from NY

Posted on June 12, 2019
All Wednesday One-Liners, Birds, Brooklyn, Central Park, Crazies, Crime and Punishment, Facebook, Fears, Food, Friends, Hipsters, Kids, Men, Moms, On the Subway, One-liners, Paranoia, Parents, Parks, Restaurants & Cafes, Street, Thievery, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wednesday One-Liners, Women

I Didn't Know I Was Wednesday One-Linered

Smoking man to another: I've heard being pregnant is really bad for your health.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: CS

Large black woman: An' I been tellin' him I got all these ideas for t-shirts… Like one for a pregnant lady that says "Congratulations, you're not the daddy!"

–BX12 Bus

Overheard by: shayshay

NYU boy on cell: Wait, you're pregnant? You're pregnant!? I thought you were just fat. (pause) But he said he didn't come in you, just on your face.

–Union Square

Woman to date: Let's go get pregnant!

–Santos Party House, Lafayette St

Overheard by: alisa

Posted on June 8, 2019
All Wednesday One-Liners, Bars & Clubs, Black People, Bus, Clothing, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Cum, Diet/Weight, Fat People, Frat Boys, Health and Hygiene, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Bus, One-liners, Parents, Physical appearance, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Questions, Smokers & Smoking, Union Square and East Village, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

The Darker Side of Wednesday One-liners

Woman: You need to swim as much as possible to keep the evil away.

–Riverbank State Park

Guy: Don’t they have a special section for people in jail?

–Hallmark, 23rd Street

Overheard by: nj

Grandfather: If you don’t listen, I’m never taking you anyplace else dangerous again.

–Belvedere Castle

Guy: Yeah, I had to put my foot down. I decided it’s not okay for my kids to play with firearms anymore.

–4 train

Suit on cell: Blood is very, very chic.

–85th & Lexington

Overheard by: Harri

Guy on cell: How should I know who’s going to be there?…Why do you care who’s going to be there? It’s a funeral, not a fucking social event.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Ciaran

Woman on cell: Dude, I have a shagadelic aura, because they fucked all night when they were here. That’s why I sold them.

–Coney Island

Overheard by: Selenay

Suit: Man, I was upstate last week, fuck that clean air shit.

–62nd & Columbus

Overheard by: Tabitha

Guy: We’re all Cannabis. We get the chance, we’ll eat each other.

–Kudo Beans, 1st Avenue

Queer: Oh, I forgot to fucking tell you. I sold my soul for $150.

–Christopher Street

Posted on June 6, 2019
All Wednesday One-Liners, Blood & bleeding, Death, Money & Class, Prison, Sports, Stupidity, Threats, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary, Words

Wednesday RU-486-Liners

Guy on cell: That's the good thing about abortions–you can have like three a day.

–14th St & 6th Ave

Ghetto dude: I told her, I was like "if you get pregnant you best get an abortion, cause I ain't helping you with that shit." I mean, I would help her, but I gotta get that shit in her head.

–N Train

Overheard by: Jill

30-something woman to boyfriend: There be some muthafuckas up in here who think this shit some form of birth control. I'm woman enough; I gave birth to six kids. I ain't doin' it again.

–Abortion Clinic, Queens

Crazy guy on subway, preaching: You know why there's 100 million Mexicans in America? Abortion!

–W Train

Posted on May 29, 2019
Abortion, All Wednesday One-Liners, Compare/Contrast, Couples, Crazies, Family Ties, Guys, Hospitals, Insults, Kids, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Parents, Preachers, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Queens, Questions, Stupidity, The Village, Wednesday One-Liners

Wednesday One-liners Sparkle and Shine

Hipster on cell: Okay. After my nap. Call me from the park once you are covered in glitter and I will come down.

–14th & B

Hipster chick: I’m totally boycotting the sun this summer.

–L train

Overheard by: Matt Ferrin

Guy on cell: …and I just told him, “I don’t care what you say. As far as I’m concerned, I am the star of a Broadway musical.”

–34th & 7th

Overheard by: Bridget Unnel

Posted on May 24, 2019
All Wednesday One-Liners, Directions, Pop Culture, Singing, Theater & Dance, Weather, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday One-Liners Aren’t Up to FAA Regulations

Ticket agent: Due to recent security restrictions, no one will be allowed onboard with any liquages. No liquages are allowed onboard the aircraft.

–LaGuardia

Overheard by: Liz

Pilot: Those of you who require wheelchair assistance, please remain seated.

–LaGuardia

Overheard by: able to stand

Pilot: Attention, passengers… this is your pilot from the flight deck. We’ve just been given notice that we’re now number two for takeoff, so we should be getting off the ground in just a moment… so if you could all do me a favor and make sure that all your windows are rolled up, because we’re about to go really really fast. Thanks for your patience.

–JFK

Flight attendant: Ladies and gentlemen, the captain will be dimming the cabin lighting for the remainder of the flight in order to enhance the appearance of the person sitting next to you. Individual lights are located above your seats if you wish to read, or look at the person sitting next to you.

–JetBlue

Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, I’m just going to power off the plane for a minute and restart it. Kind of like control-alt-delete on your computer.

–LaGuardia

Flight attendant: Wow, that pilot really doesn’t know how to fly!

–Boarding Gate, Delta Marine Air Terminal

Overheard by: Daniel