Wednesday One-Liners Are the Stuff of Myth

Really pissed mom: And do you know what size unicorn they tried on her first? Medium.

–Macy's

Cafe employee, about pastries: Those look like fairy testicles.

–HopScotch Cafe

Overheard by: bildita

Guy yelling to passers-by: You're all materialistic, yuppie, vampire kings!

–W4th & Cornelia

Overheard by: greg

Man on cell: So Santa Claus will be there?

–Broadway & Wall St

Woman: When she was a newborn she looked exactly like Yoda, and then she grew up into Dopey.

–Penn Plaza

Five-year-old boy looking out of window: Ahh! I hate the sun! Vampires hate the sun!

–Q Train

Overheard by: LoRna

Posted on August 6, 2008
9 to 5-ers, All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Balls, Boys, Compare/Contrast, Holidays, Insults, Kids, Magic, Men, Moms, Movies, On Cell, On the Subway, Penn Station, Physical appearance, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Strangers, The Village, Union Square and East Village, Vampires, Ghouls, and Ghosts, oh my!, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Women

You’re Welcome to Babysit Mine for a While

Dude #1: Today, I saw someone wearing jeans that were like, way too tight.
Asian chick: Skinny jeans? I love skinny jeans!
Dude #1: On a guy? These were on a guy!
Asian chick: Oh, then… no.
Dude #1: Guys shouldn’t wear their jeans that tight. It’s bad for the balls.
Dude #2: It’s seriously bad for the balls. It’s unhealthy.
Asian chick (skeptically): Nuh-uh.
Dude #2: You wouldn’t know!
Dude #1: You don’t even have balls!
Asian chick: No. (considers) But if I did, I’d play with them all the time.

–NYU Elevator

Overheard by: Hannah

Posted on July 22, 2008
Asians, Balls, Clothing, Default, Elevators, Gender issues, Girls, Guys, Health and Hygiene, NYU

Remember– Teabaggers Can Be Choosers

Slutty teenager: I think I had his balls in my mouth. That’s so degrading.
Slutty goth teenager: What the fuck? Even I haven’t had his balls in my mouth. And we were like, practically dating.

–F Train

Overheard by: Kelly

Posted on June 20, 2008
Balls, BJs, Compare/Contrast, Dating, Default, Friends, Goths, Gripes, On the Subway, Teens

And the Ensuing Blowjob Happened Organically

Guy #1: My friend hit my balls so I tackled him to the ground and grabbed his nuts. That’s not gay, right?
Guy #2: No, he hit you first.
Guy #1: I mean, it’s not like I was crushing grapes or anything, he hit me in the nuts! What was I supposed to do!?

–NYU Bus

Overheard by: totallynotgay

Posted on May 29, 2008
Balls, Default, Fears, Gays and Lesbians, Gender issues, Guys, NYU, On the Bus, Questions, Violence

Are You Pre-op or Post-op, Wednesday One-Liners?

Pragmatic bouncer: Well, there weren’t enough women there, so we threw in a tranny…

–Broadway Caribou Coffee

Overheard by: jenny Lui

Man, to friend: So, he says to me "Oh, I have a sex-change operation scheduled for that day, so I can’t make it."

–46th, b/w 8th & 9th

Overheard by: christine

30-something woman with nose ring, on cell: She’s like a transvestite… And an ugly bird. She’s like a transvestite and an emu. [pause] It’s a really ugly bird.

–7th Ave

Overheard by: James from Jersey

Guy: So then I was like, suck my twat!

–21st & 6th

20-something girl: I had him as both a man and a woman.

–17th St & 5th Ave

Overheard by: Tater

Dude: It’s been ages since I had testicles!

–Grand Sichuan, St. Mark’s Place

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Posted on May 28, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Balls, Birds, Bouncers, Compare/Contrast, Friends, Gender issues, Girls, Guys, Insults, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Not New York, On Cell, Physical appearance, Restaurants & Cafes, Surgery, Trannies, Union Square and East Village, Weirdness, Women, Words

So What’s the Going Rate for Hairballing, Anyway?

Drunk dude #1: He has a total hair fetish.
Drunk dude #2: How do you know?
Drunk dude #1: Remember Kathy?
Drunk dude #3: The whore?
Drunk dude #1: Yeah. Well, he asked her how much it’d be to rub her hair on his balls, and she said $50.

–49th & 8th

Overheard by: Jordan

Posted on April 24, 2008
Balls, Default, Drunks, Friends, Guys, Hair, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Money & Class, Prostitution, Questions, Sex

…to Go

Girl: Well, you would have to be loaded to get someone to wash your balls every hour.
Guy: No, I wouldn’t. I could do that shit now! Just pay someone who works at McDonald’s five bucks an hour more, they would so do it.
Girl: Yah, but do you really want someone who worked at McDonald’s washing your balls?
Guy: I’m getting a chubby.

–Greene St & Spring St

Overheard by: Laughed Out Loud

Posted on April 5, 2008
Balls, Default, Erections, Girls, Guys, Health and Hygiene, Jobs & Careers, Money & Class, Offers and requests, Street, The Village

Wednesday One-Liners Are Going to Need to Wand You

Black security guard: Hello, and welcome to Urban Outfitters. Break it down, break it down, break it down, break it down, break it down…

–Urban Outfitters, 6th Ave

Security guy to woman whose bag is in the machine: Lady, there is something Batman-shaped in your bag. Do you have Batman in your bag? Are you aware that you are not allowed to take American heroes out of the country?

–LaGuardia

Overheard by: Susan

Big security guard: Put your IDs in the air! … And wave ’em around like you just don’t care!

–NYU SIlver Building

Security guard, into walkie talkie: Ice, get your balls out of your wife’s purse, and kick that guy out!

–Music Hall of Williamsburg, Jonathan Richman concert

Overheard by: j-bones

Posted on March 26, 2008
At the Airport, Balls, Black People, Crime and Punishment, Default, LaGuardia Airport, Men, NYU, Offers and requests, Security Guards, Store, Superheroes, The Village, Theater, Travel, Washington Square Park, Weirdness, Williamsburg, Words

Wednesday One-Liners Are a Dirty Job, but Somebody’s Gotta Do Them

Conductor: Attention, everyone, we are not interviewing for train conductors! Stop trying to control the doors — that’s my job. We are, however, seeking passengers. Please enter the train and sit down to be interviewed for that position.

–1 train, 125th St

Overheard by: Jeff McCrum

Clearly intoxicated girl: I decided to go from working to doing a lot of drugs…

–42nd & 8th

Overheard by: ADA

20-something: You know, I’m just lucky I have a job at all! I mean, I did go to state school!

–Morton & Hudson

Overheard by: Sam

Emo teen, running taking pictures: See, this is why I got fired from American Apparel — because I would come into work acting like this!

–Vanessa’s Dumplings, E 14th & 3rd

Overheard by: Maggie Elisabeth

Lady on a Bluetooth: Girl, you’ve got CEO dreams with a McDonald’s work ethic.

–W 60th St, between Columbus & Broadway

Loud man to loud friends: It was just him running around getting punched in his codpiece and yelling, ‘You killed my father.’ Yeah, I think he has a new job now.

–109th & Amsterdam

Posted on March 26, 2008
Abortion, Balls, Clothing, Compare/Contrast, Default, Druggies, Drugs, Education, Girls, Insults, Jobs & Careers, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Subway, Public Transportation, Punch, Restaurants & Cafes, Street, Subway conductors, Teens, The Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Weirdness, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Are Getting Carpal Tunnel

Man on cell: So, my boss texted me and wanted to know about fleshlights…

–B train

Loud lady on cell: So you’re the one who sent me a text message saying, ‘A penis is the best breakfast because it has two eggs, a sausage, and milk’!

–Q25 bus

Chick on cell: You may have texted me about him, but because it was Halloween, I was too busy flogging dogs.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: McF.

Plagiarist: … And he sent me a text message saying, ‘I guess I have to do your homework now, L-O-L,’ and I’m like, ‘What’s the L-O-L for? You think this is a joke?!’

–Baruch Collge, Newman Vertical Campus

Overheard by: I Am McLovey

Girl on cell: They were texting you from downstairs? Oooh, that’s gay.

–Starbucks, Columbus Circle

Overheard by: Jenya

Posted on March 19, 2008
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Balls, Cell Phone, College, Columbia (& Barnard), Compare/Contrast, Default, Dildos and Vibrators, Education, Frat Boys, Gays and Lesbians, Girls, Guys, Holidays, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Bus, On the Subway, Penis, Sexuality, Starbucks, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, We Love Our Pets, Women

Balls