Bar patron, listening to Sweet Caroline: Wow. I've never heard this version before. It's cool! Who's singing?
Twinkie bartender: It's from that show Glee. I've never heard the original, though. Whose song is it?
Bar patron: Oh, man, that takes me back. Englebert Humperdinck. A guy named Englebert Humperdinck–he wrote it for Caroline Kennedy.
–Gay Bar, West Village
Overheard by: Bob
Cute girl on Penn station escalator: I dipped my dim sum in her tears!
–NJ Transit
Man in running gear on cell: I never get to, but I'm going to try again. I just hope I don't cry!
–Brooklyn
Overheard by: Daniel
Girl to friend: I cried so hard it went down and under my armpit.
–Brooklyn
Overheard by: porter
Bartender: I'll bet he cries when he masturbates.
–MacDougal & W 3rd
Overheard by: Greg
Woman to friends: My vagina is leaking tears right now.
–5th St & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Zoe
Guy wearing a promotional cardboard to another: I think I'm going to treat myself to health insurance next month.
–Broadway & 43rd St
Overheard by: Maria
Woman on phone: My urologist wanted to stick a microscope up my urethra! (pause) No! (pause) Because it's going to hurt!
–Vandam St & 6th Ave
20-something woman on cell: Yeah, the doctor told me not to exfoliate my labia.
–R Train
Overheard by: Note to self….
Bartender: I gotta get sexy for my doctor tomorrow. I'm gonna be like, "doctor, I need you to examine me. I need you to remove my garments." Nah… I'm just playin'. My doctor's cute, though. For real. I'm just gonna show some cleavage or somethin'.
–Jamaica, Queens
Woman on phone: She wants to be a doctor. She likes it when the guts fall out. (pause) No, she wouldn't do that. She's too lazy to be a serial killer.
–Fox Newsroom, 6th & 48th
Overheard by: Newsbunny
Patron to bartender goon: I'll have a hot cocoa, please.
Bartender goon: Cocoa? What the fuck do I know about cocoa?
–Diner, 14th St & 6th Ave
Headline by: Leary Blaine
Runners-Up:
· “His Mom Used to Give Him Beer Before Bedtime” – Vasyl
· “It’s Like a Hot Carl, but with Marshmallows” – I’ll have one straight up
· “It’s Like a Sex on the Beach, Only with Dark Sand” – Sandy Paws
· “Just Kidding… Password Accepted; Third Door on Your Right” – Dustin
· “The Same Question That Got Him Fired from Starbucks” – version
· “Unless You’re Referring to That Stripper That Used to Work Here” – Ramsey
· “Way to Go Glen Cocoa” – Mean Girlz
Cute, somewhat cracked-out blonde: What kind of shot is this?
Bartender: It's my special shot.
Cute blonde: Um…does it go with Lorazepam and Adderall?
Bartender, trying not to laugh: Well yes, yes it does.
–Karavas Place, W 4th St
Bartender to drunken gay Brit: I'm sorry, sir, I can't serve you anymore. You've been chasing guys around the bar.
Drunken gay Brit: What? No, I haven't! It was just the one!
–Bar, Chelsea
Overheard by: No one's chasing ME.
Teenage girl to friends: How many babies can you squish into an oversized Ferrari?
–W 77th & Central Park West
Overheard by: Teddy Nicholas
Bartender: Can you imagine living somewhere where you actually have to drive home after work?
–Vintage Restaurant, Hell's Kitchen
Overheard by: GretaGarbo86
Dude eating lunch with friends: Man, I hate to say it, but I love driving drunk.
–Restaurant, Bleecker & Lafayette
Gay black man to another: First of all, that fender bender you had a block away from your house was not a car accident. My three-car-pile-up was a car accident!
–A Train
Six-year-old to mom: What? An actual person who drinks and drives and she's famous? She's been in movies and she drinks and drives?! What is happening to this world?
–13th St & 5th Ave
Random wannabe thug: Yo, we seen a NYPD car get hit by a harpoon!
–Montgoris Dining Hall, St. John's University
Overheard by: Craig
Audience member in bar: Could I have a glass of wine?
Volunteer bartender: Sure, light or dark?
Audience member: Umm…red, please.
–White Wave Dance, Brooklyn
Waiter: Yeah, that's just because you're obsessed with me.
Bartender, sarcastically: Oh, yeah, right–I'm totally obsessed with you. I went to your Facebook page and downloaded all the pictures of you on there and printed them out and put them up on my wall so I could have a collage.
Waiter: That was oddly specific.
–Lounge, Don't Tell Mama
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
Bartender: You're in it, right?
Customer: Yeah. I usually do work when I drink. I need to be drunk when I code. Strippers and programmers…I don't know why.
–P&G Bar
Overheard by: Holiday Guts!
