Girl #1: So have you heard about all these alligators in Florida that have been eating women?
Girl #2: No
Girl #1: Yeah, like three women got eaten last week
Girl #2: That’s hilarious.
Girl #1: I know.
–F train between Jay & Bergen
Girl #1: So have you heard about all these alligators in Florida that have been eating women?
Girl #2: No
Girl #1: Yeah, like three women got eaten last week
Girl #2: That’s hilarious.
Girl #1: I know.
–F train between Jay & Bergen
Little punk rock guy to tall hipster guy, sarcastically: Nice beard.
Tall hipster guy: Yeah, you want me to smash your face!
Little punk rock guy: Shit nigga, now I wish I had a beard to absorb that shit.
–Union Pool Bar, Williamsburg
Overheard by: lil pirate
Stylish 20-something woman to overweight pug breathing heavily: Well, Winifred, you're out of breath because you're out of shape. (pause) No, you're not fat. You're voluminous. (pause) Yes, I am aware it's not all your fault. Mummy likes to watch you eat powder doughnuts. (pause) Pugs that look like they have a coke habit are very funny for mummy, yes they are.
–Central Park
Young hipster to Labrador, as people approach: Come on! Come on! Say hello! (dog remains seated, doing nothing) God! I've been training him for months to talk to couples and it just isn't working!
–Williamsburg
Woman to her dog: Don't be an insult to your species! Act like a dog!
–10th St & Broadway
Lady to little barking dog: Shut up. This is not your sidewalk.
–Brooklyn
Youngblood thug #1: Yo, I just came from the doctor and my shit was just violated.
Youngblood thug #2: Nigga, what you talkn' bout?
Youngblood thug #1: He just grabbed my shit and told me to cough.
Youngblood thug #2: Yo dick?
Youngblood thug #1: Yeah, nigga!
Youngblood thug #2: Get the fuck outta here.
Youngblood thug #1, depressingly: Yeah, nigga.
Middle aged thug: That shit ain't nothing. I had a colonoscopy or whatever the fuck it's called.
Youngblood thug #1: What the fuck is that?
Middle aged thug: I don't know, but the nigga went up my ass.
Youngblood thug #1 and #2: What the fuck?
Middle aged thug: Nah, but I'm not gonna front, though that shit tickled at first.
–Atlantic Ave, Brooklyn
Bus driver, upon seeing a rainbow: Out the right side there is a beautiful rainbow.
Man in the back of the bus: Michael Jackson did that! He probably starting singing “over the rainbow” and God made one appear!
–Berry & N 7th
Overheard by: Bean
SAT prepping kid #1: What’s hydrolysis?
SAT prepping kid #2: Dude, don’t you play Grand Theft Auto? Hydrolysis is what makes the cars bump up and down.
SAT prepping kid #3: Um…Hydrolysis is the splitting of things in water.
SAT prepping kid #2: Whatever. Same thing.
–2 train near Borough Hall
Overheard by: Everclear
Headline by: Dave Schavone
Runners-Up:
· “Rollin’ in His H20” – JP
· “Another Roads Scholar” – Emily
· “It’s San Andreas’s Fault” – boods
Honorable mentions:
· “Only Aquaman Knows For Sure” – Sara Swank
· “Putting the “Dense” in Reverse Condensation” – Elan
· “The Sad Part Is, They All Got Into Brown” – Betsy
· “They Had Their Ups and Downs, then Splitsville” – Steven Foster
· “He Learns By Osmosis” – melissa coubrough
Four-year-old girl reading tag on the platform: B-A-C-K-F-A-T!
Supportive dad: Yeah, honey! That spells ‘back fat’!
–Ft. Hamilton Pkwy station
Overheard by: howardbannister
Highly agitated gay man, bleach-blond, indeterminately biracial: My mother was black! She died in 1999!
Middle aged black woman: Now, wait a second…
Highly agitated gay man: My mother was black and my father was Chinese!
Middle aged black woman: Now, you just don't worry about them…
Highly agitated gay man: If I'm white, it's because my black mother was white!
Middle aged black woman: Now you're just bein' crazy.
–Prospect Park, Brooklyn
Overheard by: MPW
Hipster on cell: You make me so horny I want to split a tab of xstacy and shove it up your ass.
–11th & 2nd
Guy trying to whisper to girlfriend in line: Do not make me freak you this early in the morning.
–Post office, Park Slope
Chick on cell: …so not only am I self-medicating through random sexual encounters…
–In front of Barnes & Noble , Union Square
Overheard by: Carol
Chick to friends: He was like, “Say you love me. Say my name. Say, ‘I love you John*!’ And I was like, “Can we just concentrate on the task at hand, here?”
–Lafayette & Bond
Overheard by: jayloo
