Wednesday One-Liners Are What She Said

Conductor: Please stop holding my doors open in the back! (pause, no change) Stop pushing open my doors in the back! (pause, no change) Hey, I don't want no more people squeezing through my openings in the back, okay?

–Q Train

Overexcited tourist dad to little girls: Alright, Jade*, blow the bubbles towards Leah*. Yes, towards her, like facing each other, so I can take a picture… When I tell you, okay? Perfect. Okay, now blow each other.

–Liberty Park

Suit: Well, it's not very large by adult standards, but it's big for what it is.

–Queens

Male office worker: My drawers are getting tight already.

–Broadway

Old woman: Would you like to give a donation to help feed our pussies?

–PETCO, Union Square

Overheard by: Lex

Posted on January 30, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Backdoor, Clerks, Clothing, Compare/Contrast, Conductors, Dads, Height, Kids, Money & Class, Offers and requests, Old People, On the Subway, One-liners, Parks, Penis, Pictures, Public Transportation, Queens, Sex, Store, Street, Stupidity, Suits, Tourism, Tourists, Union Square and East Village, Vagina, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

Most New Yorkers Mind Their Pees in Queues

UPS employee: Ma'am, you're going to have to calm down.
Angry customer: Lady, you're lucky I ain't got a hot cup of piss on me right now, 'coz you would be wearing it.

–Post Office, Lower East Side

Overheard by: Amused yet disturbed

Posted on January 27, 2015
Anger Management, Clerks, Customers, Lower East Side, Pee, Post Office, Threats, Weirdness

Reality’s Harder to Explain Than I Thought

Ghetto clerk #1: Someone called before from New Mexico.
Ghetto clerk #2: So?
Ghetto clerk #1: Well, I didn’t know there was a New Mexico.
Ghetto clerk #2: Yeah, there’s Mexico and New Mexico.
Ghetto clerk #1: Oh, I get it. So it’s like Bronk and da Bronx?
Ghetto clerk #2: Not really.

–Manhattan Supreme Court

Posted on January 20, 2015
Buildings, Clerks, Ghetto Chicks, NYC Geography, Stupidity, U.S. Geography, Words

Not Everything, Mr. Foer. Not Everything.

Girl: I’m looking for a name of book that has the word “eliminate” in it.
Store guy: Okay. Let me see. Hmm…It doesn’t look like anything came up in the search.
Girl: I know that’s the word! I know it is. I really need this book!
Store guy: Okay. I’ll try and search again.
Girl: It’s “eliminate” with an I, not an E.
Store guy: Oh, you mean illuminate?

–Barnes & Noble, 82nd & Broadway

Overheard by: christina rusnak

Posted on January 16, 2015
Bimbettes, Clerks, Nicknames & name calling, Stupidity

Yes, We Sell Parrots

Customer: So what do I feed it?
Manager: Give it crickets, 2 or 3 times a week.
Employee: You’ve got to feed it crickets 2 or 3 times a week.
Manager: Otherwise it takes greens and fruit.
Employee: Or greens and fruit.
Customer: What kind of greens?
Manager: Lettuce.
Customer: Regular lettuce or romaine?
Manager: Romaine.
Employee: It needs romaine.
Manager: Kale, chard.
Employee: Kale, chard.
Manager: Anything leafy and green it’ll eat.
Employee: Anything leafy and green.
Customer: So it’s OK if I leave it for a weekend or a week?
Manager: Yeah, just throw some lettuce in there with it before you go.
Employee: You got that?

–Petland Discounts, Bensonhurst

Posted on January 9, 2015
Animals & Nature, Brooklyn, Clerks, Customers, Food

How They Lure You In

Ghetto boy, pointing to fish in tank: When you say twelve cents, do you mean, like, twelve pennies?
Amused pet store worker: Yes, we mean twelve pennies.

–86th St & Lexington

Overheard by: Pet-co shopper

Posted on January 4, 2015
Boys, Clerks, Money & Class, Questions, Store, Upper East Side, We Love Our Pets

Eve Went on to Ruin Everything for Everyone

Crazy lady, pointing at Christmas tree: Is the tree real?
Doorman: Yes, ma'am.
Crazy lady: Can I go smell the tree?
Doorman: Yes, ma'am.
Crazy lady, going over to tree: Can ah smell yo, tree? (giggles)

–Upper West Side

Overheard by: Neck Twister

Posted on December 25, 2014
Clerks, Crazies, Crazy, Scents of the City, Sensory Experiences, Trees and plants, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center

There Was an Incident With the Natives

Receptionist: Hi, I'm calling from Bridgehampton, New York and would like to invite to a gallery event we are having in Southampton this weekend.
New York woman: Oh… is that in the Hamptons?
Receptionist: Why, yes, it is.
New York woman: Well… we don't go to that shithole anymore! (hangs up)
Receptionist: Thank you for you time.

–Publication Office

Posted on December 20, 2014
Ahhh! Real New Yorkers, Clerks, Insults, Offers and requests, Office, Only in New York, Questions

We're Saddened That We Understand This Quote.

Lost college girl to staff: Excuse me, I came in here to find a textbook but I spent all my money on that New Moon shit. Can I get a college discount?
20-something staff: Um, Edward or Jacob?
Lost college girl: Jacob.
20-something staff: Yeah, I think we can get you a discount.

–Barnes & Noble, Park Slope

Overheard by: Taylor not twilight

Posted on December 14, 2014
Books & Writing, Clerks, Money & Class, Offers and requests, Park Slope, Questions, Store, Students

Let's Duke It Out, Freshwater Trout!

White guy exiting bodega: Yo! As-salam alaykum!
Middle Eastern guy behind counter: Hey! Kick his ass, sea-bass!

–Astoria

Overheard by: ChrisW

Posted on December 13, 2014
Astoria, Clerks, Customers, Insults, Language Barrier, White People

Clerks