Scalpel….Scissors….Wednesday One-Liners…

Big black crossdresser: Oh honey, I know that no amount of surgery is going to make me a diva!

–3 Train

Overheard by: Kailee McMahon

Mother to small daughter: Honey, don't forget to wash your hands. (girl scrubs hands for a long time) Honey, you aren't getting ready to perform surgery. Hurry up.

–Women's Bathroom, The Met

Man: He had to have his top hat surgically removed.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Kevin

Intern: Latex gloves are for killing people, surgery and dying your hair.

–1501 Broadway

Overheard by: Randi

Loud woman on phone: Yeah, he got his tubes clipped this weekend. He's been fixed! Oh, but don't tell anyone, he doesn't want anybody to know.

–Dunkin Donuts

Girl on cell: How did teaching go? How was the surgery? Did human skin taste good?

–Columbia University

Overheard by: The Poogtastic One

Posted on October 15, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Beauty, Black People, Clothing, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Coworkers, Girls, Gossip, Hair, Health and Hygiene, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, Murder, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Subway, Physical appearance, Plastic Surgery, Private Parts, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Sensory Experiences, Stall Spies, The Met, Trannies, Union Square and East Village, Weirdness, Women

I Pity Anybody Who Steals What He Could Easily Earn

Female student #1: Yeah, I think I'd sleep with a guy just so he wouldn't kill me. It'd be pity sex.
Female student #2: That's not pity sex, that's rape!

–Columbia University Library

Overheard by: MizBehavior

Posted on October 12, 2008
Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Compare/Contrast, Default, Girls, Library, Murder, Rape, Sex, Students, Weirdness, Words

What Wine Goes Best With Wednesday One-Liners?

Haggard-looking middle-aged woman: Hi, yes, I need a refill. I need my Xanax. (short pause) My life is hell.

–CVS Pharmacy, 42nd & 10th Ave

Suit on cell: No mom, I'm not going to just start popping antidepressants without seeing a professional first! Why would you even say that?!

–Columbus Circle

Overheard by: I'd have prescribed some ritalin for him

MTA conductor over loudspeaker: Hey Bobby! Lay off the steroids, they're making your voice sound funny!

–MTA Harlem Line Train

Overheard by: Nina

Loud suit on cell: Hello? Yes, hi, I'd like to order a Viagra pill. Only one, sir. No, no, just one. Sir, I want only one pill of Viagra, can you do that for me? Can I pick it up tomorrow? Great, thank you. I look forward to seeing you. Take care now, bye bye.

–44th St & 3rd Ave

20-something girl: Whenever I have a bad day, I think "How did Hillary Clinton feel?" and then I don't feel so bad. I mean they must have put her on sedatives to make it through that.

–C Train

Cute girl on cell: Well, tell her if she takes all those pills I'm going to kill her!

–Columbia University

Overheard by: arctinus

Posted on October 8, 2008
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Erections, Girls, Health and Hygiene, Medicine, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Murder, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Subway, Politics, Psychology, Store, Subway conductors, Suits, Threats, Women

Get Beat Up a Lot, Pencil Neck?

Tourist: Hi, what do we need to do to join the tour?
Tour guide: Well, there's an entrance exam.
Tourist: Really?
Tour guide: No. But based on this conversation, you would've failed.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Chuckles

Posted on September 27, 2008
Assholes, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Coworkers, Default, Insults, Offers and requests, Questions, Tourists, Weirdness

At Least I Don't Have Pepperoni Stuck in My Beard

Girlfriend: Imagine the whole world was covered in pizza boxes. (pauses in deep though) That would be a lot of pizza boxes!
Boyfriend: You dumb.

–Colombia University Campus

Posted on September 27, 2008
Boyfriends, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Default, Girlfriends, Insults, Pizza, Stupidity

He'd Stuff Your Pockets With Third World Babies

Dork #1: Dude, I think I just saw Brad Pitt!
Dork #2: What? Where?
Dork #1: Over there on the bench! It's him!
Dork #2: No way!
Dork #1: Yes it is! It's Brad Pitt!
Dork #2: I don't believe you! Why don't you go ask him?
Dork #1: Dude, you just don't go up to someone and ask if they're Brad Pitt.

–Columbia University

Posted on September 23, 2008
About Celebrities, Columbia University, Default, Dorks, Geeks and Nerds, Lies, Offers and requests, Questions

Kiefer Sutherland Had Us All Fooled

Loud Latina #1: He was just, like, just so gross. He was all like, “Nobody loves me and my life is so lame.”
Loud Latina #2: Really? I didn't get that from him. I got, you know, “Hey, I'm a typical white guy.”

–Columbia University

Overheard by: anna

Posted on September 22, 2008
Columbia University, Compare/Contrast, Default, Girls, Gripes, Latinos, Race

Like It Could Be Argued That Your Shirt Doesn't Make You Look Like a Douche

Student: When installing software there are always these terms and conditions that you have to agree with, right? But nobody knows what they mean and nobody reads them. Could it be argued that that is a type of contract that cannot be enforced?
Contracts professor: Yes, definitely. (pause) Now, before you get too happy about that: you asked whether it could be argued.

–Columbia Law School

Posted on September 11, 2008
Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Compare/Contrast, Default, Education, Happiness, Questions, Students, Teachers/Professors, Words

A Gaggle Of Wednesday One-Liners

Guy on cell: I mean, it was bigger than a horse. But it had four humps.

–14th & 2nd

Overheard by: LIZ

Drunk man: A plastic sheep or a real sheep… When it comes down to it… is there really any difference?

–Biddy Early's Pub

Chick on cell: It's better than riding a golden yak!

–Morningside Heights

Overheard by: Ursula & Winifred

Man to friend: Did I mean "wombats"? Of course I meant fucking wombats!

–3 Train

Blonde: What is a mongoose and where can I get one?

–Times Square

Guy on cell (fumbling with a pack of Marlboros): Well, for one, it’s been ten days since the baby snakes have eaten.

–92nd St & Broadway

Overheard by: The Mad Man

Middle-aged white guy: …so we told the children they couldn't go to the petting zoo, to see how they would react. (pause) It was interesting on a psychological level.

–Outside of Butler Library, Columbia University

Overheard by: Ladle

Posted on August 27, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Babies, Bars & Clubs, Body Parts, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Compare/Contrast, Drunks, Friends, Girls, Guys, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Library, Men, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Subway, Psychology, Questions, Times Square, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, White People, Words

But I'd Settle for an Hispanic Man with a Job

Thug #1: You know what I need?
Thug #2: What?
Thug #1: A white woman, with good credit.

–Columbia University

Overheard by:

Posted on August 25, 2008
Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Default, Money & Class, Questions, Race, Sexuality, Thugs, Wishes & desires