Comebacks

Wednesday One-Liners Go on Maury to Establish Paternity

Irritated tourist mother to baffled seven-year-old daughter: Your father is such a fuckin' dickwad! And let me tell you–he wasn't even inspired the night we made you.

–Times Square

Overheard by: tinyfoo

Guy on cell: I haven't talked to my dad in over three years, and this morning he friended me on Facebook.

–1st Ave & 89th Street

Overheard by: Citats

Guy on cell: Well, I wouldn't say I have the best relationship with my father, no. Umm… Well, for example, if he answers the phone when I call the house he says "Oh. Hey, failure."

–Union Square

Overheard by: Olivia

Woman on cell to friend: Uh-huh girl, I brought William to his donors' house and he didn't want to watch him. I said "William, William, say goodbye to your donor because he don't wanna watch you today."

–Bay Ridge, Brooklyn

Upper East Side girl at brunch with girlfriends: I need to find a new apartment because when I do the walk of shame I keep running into my dad.

–80th St & 2nd Ave

So I Shouldn't Make Wedding Plans?

Teenage girl: I'm so happy! Nick* friended me on Facebook!
Teenage boy: That's because he was high.

–Bard High School, Queens

Overheard by: Sunny

Wednesday Does One-Liners Like It's His Job

Woman on cell: Ugh, no I can't. I've been at work, I'm totally wasted.

–Outside Penn Station

Whiny American Apparel employee to new recruit: You're not allowed to chew gum on the floor, you can't wear UGGs to work… You have to be 100% American Apparel.

–Downtown F Train

Overheard by: Kaitlen

Subway musician to dude walking by with guitar on his back: Get a real job! (pause) I always wanted to say that to someone.

–S Train

Female suit to make suit: So, is your work still sticky like mine?

–Port Authority

Overheard by: quiet commuter

You Should Watch My Man Godfrey Again

Hobo asking for change to woman entering bodega: How was your day, ma'am?
Woman entering bodega: Miserable.

–74th St & Columbus Ave

Overheard by: Maia

Isn't That Amy Bishop?

Asian girlfriend, yelling: Get out of my store! You always make customers angry!
Asian boyfriend, yelling back: You are the professor of psycho!

–Bodega, Upper West Side

Translation: I Don't Read

Woman: Fridays in publishing are half days. You get out at noon.
Man, seriously: Well, publishing's a joke.

–Bryant Park

Overheard by: Cass

Hey, There's Nothing Gay About a Plate Job

Big guy #1: Naw, man I'm straight as a plate!
Big guy #2: A bumpy plate!

–Williamsburg

Overheard by: Taylor

Is He Flirting? Discuss.

Girl: You know, I really appreciate that you're the only guy friend I have that never tried to hit on me.
Guy: Don't give me too much credit, I just don't think you're hot.

–Union & 7th, Brooklyn

Overheard by: ra

Where We Acknowledge No One

Frustrated hobo: I don't know where y'all are from, but where I come from people acknowledge each other.
Suit: We're from New York.

–S Train

Brooklyn: Encapsulated.

Kid in car, screaming at top of his lungs in parked car: Just a small town girl living in a lonely world she took…
From random window: If she doesn't shut the fuck up she'll take a midnight train to my foot up her ass!

–Brooklyn

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