Compliments

Conductor: Attention downtown passengers. The train that just left the station was obviously not your train.

–6 Train

Woman on cell: Hey, it’s the MTA who should be spanked!

–Rector St.

Overheard by: Ladle

Small girl to mom: I like this train station the best because it has an elevator, and you can see the whole world outside. The whole wide beautiful world.

–Harlem Escalator, 1 Train

Overheard by: Mark Brinker

Guy: I get all my information from subway ads.

–F Train

Overheard by: Thom Cohen

Woman, hearing garbled announcement that E train is running as an F: No! They are takin’ all my E trains!

–E Train

Overheard by: I can has E train?

Crackhead: Make sure to take your newspapers with you on the way out of the train. I’m having company over later and I want it to look nice.

–Franklin Avenue Shuttle

Overheard by: shuttle rider

Undergrad: Ninjas, see. You can’t creep up on them. You can’t creep up on them because actually they’re creeping up on you. And the person you’re creeping up on is actually a mendicant.

–Fordham University, Lincoln Center

Overheard by: pumpkin

Teen girl to friend: No one knows about Staten Island. It’s like the ninja island.

–Notre Dame Academy, Staten Island

Overheard by: Green Star

Young lady suit on cell: Want to know what I learned today? Okay, you know how I really hate those rolling briefcases because they fucking ninja you while you’re walking? Well, today I learned that it’s really hard to be angry about a rolling briefcase when it’s being pulled by a genuine midget. It’s like watching a pony pull a cart. It’s adorable!

–Penn Station

Overheard by: she wasn’t too tall herself…

Geeky girl: They should really make a video game about a ninja doing the dishes. That shit would be dope.

–Flatiron District

Chick: I like your grandma.
Guy: He’s a dude.
Chick: Oh… I like your grandpa.

–City College

Overheard by: Low Quality pictures online

Woman #1: Oh! This guy is so hot.
Woman #2: He’s a druggie.
Woman #1: He’s so hot. Oh God. I can’t even stand it!
Woman #2: Maybe you’ll meet him in rehab.

–MTV Studios, Times Square

Grandma to kid: It’s really hard to kill people, you know.

–West Village

(20-something sits down and stretches his arms out in a yawn)
Man sitting one seat away: If you touch my leg I’ll kill you.

–1 Train

Middle-aged beefcake on phone: Oh yeah? Well he’s not trying anymore because he’s dead.

–42nd & Lex

Overheard by: bildita

Suit on cell: He was a great guy, until he decided to kill someone.

–Smith & Wollensky

Loud woman on payphone (very angrily): Well what the fuck am I supposed to do with her? Mausoleum? What? What the fuck?

–96th & Madison

Overheard by: grateful undead

Seven-year-old black boy: I’m goin’ to Iraq, to kill Obama!

–125th & Amsterdam

Overheard by: The Drummey

Teen girl: Girl, you look cute pregnant! You should stay pregnant!

–2 train

Overheard by: n69n

Sobbing woman: I can’t believe he never called me back! And to think I gave him a chance!
Short friend: I bet he’s just sidetracked, give him some time!
Tall friend: Or maybe he’s with another woman!
Short friend: Oh, don’t think that! You beautiful, and smart, and… (cellphone rings)
Sobbing woman: (looks at phone) Who the fuck is Jason? (answers phone) Hello? Oh, hi Jason, this is Melinda*, remember? I went on a date with you last week! I’d just like to say, thanks for fucking my friend!

–49th & Lexington

Girl #1: Well, she does all that work for Playboy -which I really admire.
Girl #2: Yeah. And I like her because she’s a little dorky.
Girl #1: Totally.

–9th St & 3rd Ave

Woman #1: How are your girls?
Woman #2: They’re good. My four-year-old said something “sucked” the other day -that was fun.

–Crunch Gym, 38th St

Overheard by: Maggie

Ditzy college girl: Yeah, but I’m like a fun drunk, right?
Guy (serious): Ummm… Well, you were kind of saying that life has no meaning and that it’s not worth living.
Ditzy college girl: What?

–Union Square

Overheard by: Gaby