Jamaican: She was crazy, mon! She went right up to him and scratched out his mothafuckin’ eyes, mon. Just scratched them right out.
Cop: No way. Really?
Jamaican: That’s what I’m saying, mon! Dude didn’t have no more eyes, mon! His mothafuckin’ eyes was gone! He be walking around blind and shit!
Cop: Wow.
–44th & Madison
Overheard by: Doll
Attorney: Do you know where the 26th Precinct is?
Police officer: No…Wait, that’s where I left my gun…No, I don’t know where it is.
–Manhattan Criminal Court
Overheard by: Bemused Public Defender
Little girl, loudly, to security guard: My brother has a suspicious package in his pants!
Mother, pulling her away: You don't talk about that in public!
–Grand Central
Overheard by: Strip search in 3…2…1…
Trinidadian hobo: Step into the car and please don't block the doors. There's another train directly behind this one. Biiing-bonnng! That's from the old cars. This is how they do it now: “Dingdong!” (recorded “if you see something, say something” message plays; hobo recites the message along with it, mimicking perfectly.) “Tell a police officer or an MTA employee.” Or tell me, because it might be a bag o' money. Or weed. But if it's only a nickel bag of weed, just turn it in to a policeman. If it's a 500-pound bag, give it to me! I need that haze! Now, here's a picture of my wife. Two years ago, on Easter Sunday, my wife passed away of a massive heart attack. I want you all to know about this because I want you all to know I'm still single. The ladies, that is, not the men. I'm not gay. I have gay friends, but I'm not gay. I'm a lesbian. I'm a lesbian because I love what they eat!
–4 Train
Overheard by: Aloof Loner
Lady cop to drunk guy: C’mon, get on the train. You can switch at West Fourth. Get home safe. [Drunk guy tries to grab her arm.] No, I’m not coming with you.
Drunk guy: Come with me!
–F train, 42nd St
Overheard by: Colleen
Conductor: Stand clear of the closing doors. Do not hold the doors.
Crackhead holding doors: Suck my dick. I'm in the mob. I'm mobbed the fuck up.
Conductor: For those who continue to hold the doors, if I see you, police will be called. It's rush hour, people need to get where they're going.
Crackhead holding doors: Shut the fuck up. I went to Cornell, motherfucker. Suck my dick.
–Uptown 2 Train
Overheard by: ED
Cop on cell: Yeah, Adam just called. Are there bodies there?
–Outside Times Square Police Station
Overheard by: leah
Police officer on crowd control duty: If you was special, you'd get on the sidewalk. If you was my family, you'd get on the sidewalk.
–45th & Broadway
Overheard by: Claire
Little boy to mother, after policeman walks by: Mom, it's the five-o!
–38th St, Astoria
Man: Yo, I was so twisted last night. I was in the cop car and he was like, "no drinking in the cop car!"
–Lexington & 75th
Overheard by: wb
Cop to victim: So the doors and windows were locked,no sign of forced entry…and you're sure that your panty drawer was rifled through and unknown items are missing?
–Bensonhurst
Old codger #1: McDonald's are a lot safer now, cops to go them.
Old codger #2: Yeah, probably to get McFlurrys.
–D Train
Overheard by: JDRK
Three policemen are talking to a man inside Two Boots Pizza behind the security gate and locked front door, 9 am Sunday morning.
Cop: How did you get in here?
Man: I woke up here in the middle of the night!
Cop: Do you work here?
Man: No!
–Avenue A
Chick on cell: Yeah, but the possibility of being hit by the log is too great… And I don’t know if I want to take that risk.
–Train to Glen Rock
Young suit: I always have problems with zippers. Once, I was putting on my pants and my leg went through the zipper instead of the leg hole. It made a ‘rip’ noise, and then it broke.
–West End Ave
Traffic cop waving cars through pedestrian-flooded intersection: C’mon, c’mon! If they get hit, they get hit.
–34th & 7th
Overheard by: Jobee, a pedestrian
Teen boy: Those signs are idiotic. If the kid runs out in front of your car, you’re going to hit him whether he’s deaf or not!
–Bedford Park, Bronx
Overheard by: Cousin It
Go-go dancer boy: I’m totally the only one who hasn’t fallen off the bar yet.
–Pier 45, Hudson River Park
Overheard by: Palest Girl on the Lawn
